Tuesday, May 6, 2025
Blog Page 438

Cherpse! Daniel and Lindsay

Daniel, English, University, 2nd Year

First impressions:

Extremely awkward, for some reason we ended up messaging for ages with the audio on but cameras off, very bizarre, just heard a lot of breathing! Probably a result of my lousy personal skills.

“We knew some of the same people.”

Did it meet up to your expectations? 

I mean, I don’t really know what my expectations were…

What was the highlight: 

We knew some of the same people.

What was the most embarrassing moment: 

We knew some of the same people.

Describe the date in 3 words: 

Embarrassing, awkward, but she was sweet (that’s six)

Is a second date on the cards: 

Alas no.

Lindsay, Music, Keble, 1st Year

First impressions?

If this was an episode of ’Take Me Out’ he wouldn’t get a “blackout” straight away but he might be needing some “Paddy love” by the end. 

Did it meet up to your expectations? 

It was a pleasant conversation when we eventually started talking. (First 30 mins were spent Zoom-texting one another – but you know, each to their own). A sweet guy but pretty much zero banter which was a non-starter. All in all, he is probably the perfect guy – just not for me.

“I got called ‘niche’ – I’m taking it as a compliment.”

What was the highlight: 

The end.

Only joking! Probably when I got called ‘niche’ – I’m taking it as a compliment. 

What was the most embarrassing moment: 

When he declared that he hates Christmas.  

Describe the date in 3 words: 

Not totally shambolic.

Is a second date on the cards: 

Hmm… probably not.

My Father, a Zine and the KGB

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It’s the KGB! Open up.”

It was a crisp March morning in Leningrad, 1988. The KGB had unlocked the door to Tim Gadaski’s communal flat and silently made their way through the corridor to his bedroom door. There, however, they were temporarily stopped in their tracks.

“Being on the slightly ‘underground side of things, I knew the rule that you always leave a key in the lock so it’s impossible to open.”

Why were the Soviet secret police outside Tim’s bedroom? The explanation could be found in a file named ‘Case 64’ which had landed on the desk of a man called Viktor Cherkesov a few weeks earlier. Cherkesov, a functionary in the KGB’s 5th department, was tasked with pursuing dissidents and nonconformist thinkers in the U.S.S.R. He was investigating my father, Tim Gadaski.

As a young student at the University of Leningrad (now St. Petersburg), Tim had begun publishing a radical magazine. The magazine was called The Democratic Opposition. It was, for a time, the official weekly publication of a political party named The Democratic Union, the first party openly opposed to the regime for nearly seventy years. Together with his friends and co-editors Vladimir Yaremenko and Anna Jermolaewa, Tim set about distributing his magazine among Leningrad’s political ‘underground’. The magazine proved a big hit – the trio would bring 500 copies to Democratic Union party meetings on Saturday mornings and sell out within minutes.

In the week before the raid, the editors of The Democratic Opposition had decided to publish an audacious poem entitled Russia. In an incongruously upbeat tempo, the poem described Russia crying out for mercy while Lenin forced his ‘wrinkled member’ into her. It was a play on words which also works in English – ‘member’ denoting both a Communist Party cardholder and one’s manhood. Entire stanzas were devoted to Lenin boasting that his member, like he himself, was ‘great yet humble,’ ‘rivalled by no other member of the Central Committee,’ whilst knowing deep down it was in fact ‘small and thin.’ Where critics throughout the Soviet era had erred on the side of caution and stuck to using pointed references and so-called ‘Aesopian language’ to curb the ‘pen of the censor,’ ‘Russia’ shed allegory in favour of crass symbolism and plain ridicule. For Tim and his fellow editors, it was a bold and defiant step into the darkness – especially where Lenin was involved, they were pushing ever further into the realm of the forbidden.

                                                                            ****

Just a few years earlier, no one would have dared to publish such subversive material. When Mikhail Gorbachev came to power in 1985, he promised change. The new government assured Russians that state censorship laws would be relaxed, and much lip service was paid to policies such as glasnost (openness) and perestroika (reconstruction). However, Gorbachev’s verbal promises were only translated into concrete legislation in 1990 with the hallmark ‘Law on the Press.’ In the interim years, dissidents like my father and his friends at The Democratic Opposition found themselves in a complex and incredibly unpredictable situation. It was evident that much of the apparatus of the Soviet police state remained the same. The old hands of the KGB were still just as determined to prosecute subversive activity; new functionaries such as Cherkesov, keen to rise up the ranks, were equally willing to punish dissidents. Many of my father’s friends spent nights in the rat-infested cells of the infamous Bolshoy Dom (The Big House), the KGB headquarters by the Neva River. The secret police complex was jokingly referred to as the tallest building in Leningrad because it was rumoured to extend so far underground.

And so, the latter years of the 1980s were in many ways just as uncertain as those which followed the Soviet Union’s collapse. There was a strange dissonance between the Kremlin’s messages to the Russian people and the actions of the KGB – it was not clear what the law really was, a terrifying and arbitrarily violent experience for all those subjected to it. The peculiar limbo in which the U.S.S.R. now found itself is perfectly embodied in the absurd pantomime which was played out at the weekly meetings held by The Democratic Union in Kazan Cathedral Square, in the centre of Leningrad. There, in the shadow of two gigantic busts of the generals Kutuzov and Barclay de Tolly, heroes from the Napoleonic wars, my father would join a ragtag group of Democratic Union organisers to discuss democracy.

“These meetings would eventually be dispersed. First the police would come, and they would be told to get off whichever high point they were stood on. So, they would climb on the sculptures and shout, and the police would climb after them and try to drag them off. This would then all be photographed and published the next day in samizdat [illegally self-published dissident literature]. It might even be reported by some Western radio stations, like the BBC, Voice of America or Radio Free Europe. These we tried to listen to.”

                                                                              ****

It was not just the Soviet Union’s authorities which were struggling to find their feet in the world of pronounced glasnost. Its citizens were also working out how to negotiate this new landscape of limited freedom of expression. As Vladimir, the author of the poem “Russia” recalls:

“At the Democratic Union party meetings, we discussed principles. I said we needed to destroy the system altogether, that we needed to create a completely new system.  But aside from Tim and Anna, the majority of people disagreed. They promoted the notion that it was only reform we needed, that socialism – communism – was a great theory which simply had not been realised correctly; and we could find ‘socialism with a human face’. The undercover KGB agents in the room supported this We, however, believed reform was impossible.”

This difference in opinion between The Democratic Opposition’s editors and the Democratic Union’s membership on how to go forward was the single most important question concerning anti-Soviet activism at the time. The dilemma could often be encapsulated by one dividing line: the enduring discussion around Lenin.

“Within the Democratic Union party there were still many people, the majority even, arguing that Leninist ideas had been distorted,” Tim tells me. “It wasn’t far away from the official doctrine; Lenin was good, it was only Stalin who was bad. It was he who distorted and perverted everything, and all we need to do is return to Lenin, the truth of Marx, and this would restore ideological purity, and so on.”

It was a dispute which had been raging since the Stalin years and indeed has still not been resolved in the present day. A popular joke during Stalin’s era went: “Why did Lenin wear shoes, but Stalin wears jackboots? Because Lenin knew where he was going!” Nowadays, one can still find a Lenin statue in almost any city in the former Soviet Union, but Stalin is a rare sight. In March of this year, the German Marxist-Leninist Party won a court case to place a statue of Lenin outside its headquarters, the first of its kind in western Germany. In Ukraine, on the other hand, a campaign is still ongoing after several years to rid the country of all remaining monuments to the Soviet leader. Such is Lenin’s legacy.

The attitudes Tim, Anna and Vladimir held towards Lenin did not win them many friends in the Democratic Union party.

“They hated us,” says Vladimir. “There was one undercover KGB agent named Yuly Rybakov. He was the first to demand that I be expelled from the party after the publication of my article “The Name of a Corpse”, in which I suggested that Leningrad be renamed St. Petersburg and Moscow be named Leningrad, as that was where Lenin’s corpse lay. After the publication of my poem “Russia”, they called us to a party meeting and forced me read it aloud. Lots of people laughed and clapped, but one girl named Katya Molostvova went berserk; she tried to attack me, but Tim held her back. So instead she spat at me. Her dad was a former political prisoner, a devout Marxist-Leninist. He believed Lenin was good and that Stalin had spoiled everything. There were others who wanted to beat us up too, so we were forced to leave. In our absence, they voted to expel us from the party.”

There was a happy ending to the story, however. Katya fell in love with Yuly, the alleged KGB agent, and they later got married. Vladimir chuckles and with a glint in his eye adds that Yuly Rybakov would go on to serve three terms as a member of the Russian State Duma after the Soviet Union’s collapse.

                                                                        ****

As the KGB agents slammed their shoulders against his bedroom door, Tim Gadaski’s mind was racing. Although he had been asleep only a few minutes earlier, he knew that they were here because of The Democratic Opposition. Luckily, he lived in an old house, and in the corner of his room was a wood-burner. He shoved the most offensive copies of the magazine into the stove, and set his publication alight. Having smelt the smoke from the fire, the agents commandeered an axe from his neighbour’s flat and began hacking down the door.

“I knew it wouldn’t last long. I was frozen. I was twenty-one years old and I didn’t have much experience. But I’d burnt the things I wanted to burn – primarily the issue with the “Russia” poem. I opened up and in they came.”

Although the editors defiantly continued to publish The Democratic Opposition in the weeks after the raid, the authorities soon returned. This time they confiscated typewriters and printing materials from all three editors’ apartments.

“Our flat was thirty-five square meters, and yet the search lasted ten hours,” Anna recalls. “They took all the materials related to The Democratic Union, the magazine, and many of my artworks. I have not seen them since, despite our official requests for them to be returned years after the case was closed.”

The KGB didn’t stop there. For months after the raids Tim, Vladimir and Anna were hounded around Leningrad by the secret police. They were pulled in for arbitrary interrogations and often only escaped trial by the skin of their teeth.

“I remember how they used to follow us,” laughs Vladimir, who now lives in Austria. “I’d take my dog out for a walk in the morning and there’d already be two agents standing there, who would follow me wherever I went with my dog.”

The KGB’s tactics eventually paid off and the The Democratic Opposition went out of print. After the fall of the Soviet Union, the trio of editors found out that the only reason they had not ended up behind bars was that in the time it took for their case to be processed, the U.S.S.R. had already collapsed.


Many years later, at a party in Vladimir and Anna’s flat, a guest who had been invited by a friend, drunk on vodka, inadvertently confessed to knowing the history of the flat very well indeed. He bemusedly asked whether they had found all the listening devices yet.

                                                                            ****

In those tempestuous years before the collapse of the Soviet Union, despite all of Gorbachev’s promises, with the benefit of hindsight it is easy to forget that things could have gone very differently. It is only the ghost of Fukuyama who still believes that the Soviet Union was bound to collapse once it set off on a path of reform and concession. Almost a century of oppression had taught Russians better than to presume change would come; many felt that the reactionary forces in the Communist Party could return at any moment and clamp down on the little freedom which had been granted. As Viktor Tsoi, the now immortal lead singer of Leningrad’s up-and-coming rock band Kino, opened his song Change! (1989), “Instead of warmth – the green of glass / Instead of fire – smoke.”

Little did the editors of The Democratic Opposition know, as the KGB sifted through their belongings, that the labour camp ‘Perm-36’ had still been accepting new inmates until a few months earlier. Like Alexander Solzhenitsyn and millions of others, they were charged with ‘anti-Soviet propaganda,’ the infamous Article 70 of the Soviet Union’s criminal code. This would have landed them between five and seven years in the camp. What’s more, their nemesis Cherkesov, the apparatchik behind the relentless harassment and intimidation, was notorious for his harsh sentencing. They were fortunate not to feel the full force of Article 70. It had cost millions their lives. This, however, was the last time it was ever used. 

While recently living in Russia, I paid a visit to the site of Perm-36. As I walked through the uninsulated barracks where many prisoners had died in their sleep from hypothermia and exhaustion, through the fields where the enemies of the state had shovelled dirt for the final time in December 1987, I thought of my father. To think that he had come so close to being incarcerated here – potentially for an indefinite period of time, like so many political prisoners – sent shivers down my spine. Had the U.S.S.R. not fallen, I may not have been alive to visit the site of Perm-36. This story could have had a very different ending.

Now when the editors of The Democratic Opposition recall the lengths they went to publish their magazine, there is one prevailing idea which runs through all their stories: hope. Theirs was a forward-looking time, when a new generation prayed for something to change so that they would not relive the tribulations their parents had faced. Perhaps the last time Russians had felt this way on the same scale was seventy years prior, when it was Lenin who was galvanising forces against a tired autocratic regime. Yet what followed in both cases was certainly not what many of the idealists had in mind.

The passing of Lenin’s 150th birthday last month led to much rumination within Russia and beyond on his legacy. It is the more unfortunate aspects of his rule which appear to be the most durable. Institutions, methods, and figures from the Soviet era still control Russia today. It is the unexpected similarity between Lenin’s Russia in 1917 and my father’s Russia in 1988, however, that separates them from the country we see now. The hope of their eras has been lost.

Streaming and the seismic shift in music release formats

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Like many of us quietly fascinated with Matty Healy’s prolific output, I recently put in a shift to listen through The 1975’s sprawling new album Notes on a Conditional Form – and no, I didn’t quite manage all 22 tracks in one sitting.

Contentious projects like NOACF, whose length and inconsistency have drawn both criticism and praise, are to some extent by-products of the streaming revolution; since the dwindling decline of the physical CD, the traditional 10-track album has come to feel, to some, as outdated as the concept of physically owning music itself. Artists now find the floodgates opened to unchartered waters where album format is unprescribed – and with listeners practically drowning in new music to stream (40,000 new tracks uploaded to Spotify per day), any means to cause a ripple is fair play.

Historically, the album was limited to the 20-25 minutes of audio that could be pressed onto each side of a 12-inch vinyl. Even when chunkier cassettes, and later CDs, began to outsell LPs in the ‘80s, era-defining records from Michael Jackson, Madonna and Prince remained around the comfortable 45-minute mark. Eventual expansion into the full 80-minute digital capacity, largely fronted by rap and hip hop, gave rise to heavily bloated but acclaimed albums of the ‘90s.

Now, as physical mediums edge further towards extinction, self-indulgent running times are not just facilitated, but incentivised by a streaming infrastructure which rewards sheer quantity over quality. Though you could argue that well-intentioned artists and labels mean to cater to the ever-expanding appetite of an audience hard-wired to consume, nevertheless the financial motivation exists to pad tracklists out with as many clangers as bangers (kudos to anyone who has made it through the entirety of a Drake album in the past few years). With 1,500 streams defined as the standard equivalent of one physical album sale, ‘album stuffing’ to ensure Drake earns 25 streams per album rotation, rather than 10, has been key to his record-breaking success.

Conversely, as albums augment in length, songs are shrinking. Before, tracks vying for commercial success were limited to the 3-and-a-half-minute mark, a precedent set by the capacity on a “45” vinyl and fortified by radio stations. However, now it is the streaming services and their autocratic algorithms that control what gets listened to, and who reaps the profits.

And since a billable ‘stream’ equates to at least 30 seconds of play, artists have to ensure listeners aren’t pressing skip before they can get paid their underwhelming fee. Writers are adjusting their approach accordingly; we’re seeing song structures eliminate the traditional 8-bar intro and sprint towards the chorus with renewed urgency. Cut to the hook: if streaming time is money, there’s no time for a pre-chorus now.

One could even go so far as to consider anything beyond those lucrative 30 seconds as unnecessary excess – as brilliantly exploited by Vulfpeck’s album Sleepify, consisting solely of 31 or 32-second tracks of complete silence. Streamed whilst fans slept, the album procured almost $20,000 from Spotify before its swift removal from the platform.

The way that artists construct and release projects has also changed significantly. Since the rise of curated playlists as a primary way to discover new tunes, frequent singles or EPs offer the best odds for artists to secure coveted spots here, accessing expanded audiences and, you guessed it, more streams. This sees upcoming talent emerging through a Spotify-ready ‘little and often’ release tactic; meanwhile, rollout strategies for long-form projects are becoming increasingly drawn out. Drip-feeding half the tracklist as singles prior to an album release may be a safer bet to multiply streams, but it results in a disappointing feeling of déjà vu when the whole project finally drops – in NOACF’s case, 8 out of 22 tracks were already familiar from the excruciating rollout that began last summer.

Artists are being forced to confront their abrupt disposability, now piled up as products on platforms where the tendency to passively skip through mixes treats music almost as single-use. Enticing listeners away from their mood-driven Feelgood Friday playlist long enough to get immersed in a whole record presents a challenging task.

One reaction is the resurgence of concept albums, as exemplified recently by Lady Gaga’s Chromatica. Employing one continuous theme or sonic palette, tracklists peppered with insightful interludes, and seamlessly threading one song to the next, they aim to submerge the listener in their chosen narrative. Whilst by no means a new invention (as old as the ‘golden era’ of the album, beginning in the late ‘60s), strong conceptual foundations often paired with long-form visuals have yielded some of the most impactful albums of the streaming age, from Beyoncé to Frank Ocean, SZA and Solange. These works thrive as albums by deterring you from clicking shuffle – convincing you to listen to the work as it was curated by the artist, rather than by an algorithm. Long-form projects which prove greater than the sum of the parts are perhaps the only way to justify the album format going forward.

So where do we go from here? Matty Healy is one figure in pop culture who has hinted at abandoning the album format entirely. And even those who don’t totally reject it have certainly shown willingness to rebel; from Rihanna’s heterogeneous ANTI to Ariana Grande dropping two albums within a year, it’s clear that decades of strict industry protocols no longer apply.

Depending on how you view it, the album is variously suffering or evolving, but one thing’s for sure: it remains a cultural and societal art form we aren’t finished with yet.

Opinion – The Staff Student Relationship Rules Need to Change

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TW: Sexual harassment, sexual abuse, child pornography

‘Would you like a date?’ my tutor asked me plainly as our tutorial drew to a close. Stomach dropping slightly and the solid 2-1 I had received suddenly feeling somewhat less impressive, I glanced at my tute partner, staring at his shoes in palpable discomfort. I opened and closed my mouth several times, searching for an appropriate response. The seemingly never-ending silence jolted to a close when my tutoring whipped out a tray of dried dates and began to laugh loudly. The uneasiness, for the most part, floated away and we all chuckled. To his credit, the joke was pretty funny. It would have been far funnier, and the discomfort wholeheartedly discharged, if all parties were safe in the knowledge that a relationship between us was totally off the table.

The current state of Oxford University’s policy on relationships between staff and students strongly advises staff not to enter into a close personal or intimate relationship with a student for whom they have any responsibility. If such a relationship arises, the staff member should declare the relationship to their Head of Department. The declaration will so far as possible and subject to specific provisions, be treated in confidence and ‘every effort will be made to ensure that it does not disadvantage either party with regard to their professional advancement or academic progress’. Where staff fail to declare the relationship, disciplinary action may be taken. Relationships which arise in a college context will also be bound by college policies, which as it stands echo the university policy in almost every case. Nine colleges, as of 2017, do not even have a policy.

So the rule as it stands is relationships between staff and students they hold responsibility over are frowned upon, but there is nothing in place to state that they are unacceptable. This poses various problems. University policy articulates that there will be difficulties maintaining boundaries. Pillow-talk and problem sheets hardly go hand in hand. Promotion of positive learning environment, which Oxford University is universally renowned for, is undoubtedly disrupted by romantic and sexual relationships between the teachers and the taught. In my experience at least, building constructive relationship with my teachers is only improved by the knowledge that nothing I say or do will be misinterpreted as suggestive. It seems bizarre that academic rigour, often prioritised over hugely important factors at our university (read: quality of life), is essentially unregulated in this realm.

Possibility of favouritism and an undermining of trust in the academic process are also important reasons why a relationship in this context is problematic. A poor tute essay will undoubtedly be better received by someone you’re sleeping with. A friend of mine tells a story of a classmate with a reputation for low 2-2s receiving a seemingly inexplicable first in her dissertation, and marrying the man responsible for the grade a year later. Whether faith in the individual’s ability to be objective is justified or not, avoiding the need for guesswork would be nice. Especially at an institution as focused on academic success as Oxford.

Yet most troublesome is not the risk of cringe-worthy classes nor unwarranted academic wins. It is the ease with which exploitation could take hold. In 2017, The Guardian found that Oxford University had the highest number of student allegations of sexual misconduct by staff of any UK university. The 1752 Group, a UK-based research and lobby organisation dedicated to ending sexual harassment in high education, outlines the fact that where staff student relationships are not prohibited, there is a danger that staff feel it is still appropriate to make sexual or romantic advances towards students, despite the fact the vast majority of students feel uncomfortable with the prospect of romantic or sexual relationships between staff and students (The Power in the Academy Report). One Oxford college articulated that experience shows complaints of sexual harassment are sometimes met with genuine confusion from staff who simply ‘misread the signals’.

There is an inherent power dynamic in dealings between teacher and student, and efforts to impress on behalf of the student, perhaps particularly common at a place like Oxford, could arguably be misread quite easily. Though relatively harmless to the staff member, unwanted sexual advances can have devastating effects of students, who may lose confidence in themselves and in their college. A policy taking the possibility off the table would protect staff and students alike.

As of three years ago, Oxford had 11 allegations of staff on student harassment, the majority of which taking place at Pembroke and Queens, and scandals of staff sexual misconduct have arisen at an alarming rate this year alone. Less than six months ago, Pembroke College found itself somewhat at a loss to explain the story of Philosophy professor Peter King. Imprisoned for the possession of almost 3000 indecent images and fired by the Oxford college only the day before the hearing, King was previously cautioned by the police in 2007 following access of illegal material used for his research on the possibility of a morally acceptable form of child pornography.

In a story broken in February, the world learned that a tiny college of Cambridge University, Trinity Hall, had a string of intertwined cases. One involved the Senior Tutor accused of drugging and sexually assaulting a male student, which he vehemently denies. The second involved a male student, accused by three members of the college of both sexual assault and rape, investigated by the aforementioned Senior Tutor, with whom he is thought to have shared a close relationship owing to their mutual membership of a secret dining club. A third involved a fellow, who resigned in 2019 after allegations of sexual assault by students and was subsequently found to have been writing erotic fiction based on said students. It is the finding of the 1752 Group that ‘sexual misconduct doesn’t just affect the students who experience it; it affects the culture of…an entire institution’.

St Hugh’s College experienced a scandal of their own several years ago. Professor David Robertson, who passed away in 2017, was accused of ‘doing a Weinstein’ on his former students, allegedly conducting his tutorials dressed in a bathrobe, and once in a tiny towel. A subsequent inquiry found that the college should have been aware and taken appropriate action. In the following years, a new policy on prevention of sexual harassment came into play. St Hugh’s College now states that it is ‘always inappropriate for a member of staff to have a romantic or sexual relationship with any student for whom they have teaching, professional or pastoral responsibility’. Recognition of the power dynamics at play and the potential for exploitative behaviour, conscious or otherwise, seems to be the stimulus behind this decision.

Other institutions take a similar view. All of the USA’s Ivy League universities maintain a ban on relationships in this context and many even implement a blanket ban on relationships between staff and students. In February 2020, University College London published a policy on personal relationships which ‘prohibits close personal or intimate relationships between staff and students where there is direct supervision’.

It Happens Here has kick-started calls for the same change to come within Oxford colleges. The group, an autonomous SU campaign, is dedicated to preventing sexual abuse and supporting its survivors, and aims to further this goal through this campaign. It Happens Here chair-women Kemi Agunbiade and Clara Riedenstein stated that the group believes the ban will ‘protect both staff and students, ensuring the power dynamic that exists between them cannot be misused – as in these cases it can be difficult to distinguish consent and coercion’. The motion making the rounds of colleges currently, to be found here, should you wish to present it to their own JCR or MCR.

Two consenting adults, uncontroversially, can do as they please. But where one holds direct responsibility over the other, there is inevitable scope for catastrophe and as It Happens Here outlines, that the line between consent and coercion is easily blurred. In the knowledge that there remain staff of the payroll of certain Oxford colleges whose names can be typed into a Twitter search bar and met with a tirade of accusations of sexual misconduct, fair or otherwise, unease is unfortunately, necessary. Now is the time for colleges to follow in the footsteps of St Hugh’s. Security of students, and the academic experience they pay a hefty sum for, should be prioritised over the possibility of an unproblematic romance.

The Open Casket of George Floyd

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TW: Racism

When Emmett Till’s 14-year-old body was exhumed from the Tallahatchie River and laid to rest, his mother insisted on an open-casket funeral. It was to confront America with the brutality of its people, to show the world racism in its grievous, sickening, mutilated reality. 

Death is a ruthless truth to constantly face, and we try to drape its ugliness and destruction in flowers, flags, framed photos- it may not really work, but it gives things a face of beauty, at least. In the violent wake or cause of death, we always hope for peace and meaning in remembrance. The videoed murder of George Floyd reminds us that black people have long been deprived of humanity in life and in death. It seems unfair that without choice or agency, his memory has been prised into an open casket, even by people whose very point is to remember his personhood. To see an image of a man crushing another’s neck is distressing, to see the expression on the face of an innocent man being murdered is something that would make you sick- yet they’re inescapable, because black degradation is something that has been firmly rooted into our visual landscape.

For whatever reason it may be, the threshold for stomaching depictions of black suffering is low. Primetime TV shows are interspersed with charity ads of African babies with bloated bellies and skinny fingers; film after film depicts the rape and torture of American slavery; an unnecessary ‘n*gger’ is forever waiting to erupt from any white Tarantino character’s lips- black degradation is in the media something to be lamented, but nevertheless gawked at. Why is there such an appetite for this? Is it virtue porn for non-black moderates? Isn’t there something quite paradoxical about watching someone you really do believe is a human being, being treated like an animal? It is even more disturbing to think that images of the abused black body have within social media become almost a social currency, for virtue signalling and proving the extent of one’s outrage.

We could track media saturation with normalised images of the brutalised black body to lingering colonial narratives of black biological sturdiness, sensationalism marketed to the desensitised, a subconsciously perceived deficiency in humanity- a harder question to ask would be to wonder what necessitates it. It’s the sad reality that many people think that racism is now mostly an obsolete tendency rather than an institutional truth- maybe it’s these vicious abuses of human rights, that in stomach turning audio-visual form, finally mobilise people to action and introspection. 

These are hard seas to navigate- in George Floyd’s case, without the video recording we wouldn’t be seeing these brilliant fires of justice burning across America. And, I guess, it’s contributed to the latest in a long, long series of wake-up calls (which have so far resulted in white society falling back to sleep every time). Now more than ever, though, we should be mindful and questioning of the use of these images. In the case of George Floyd, we should especially ask how black people would feel seeing a picture like that; without that veil of numbness, images of suffering understandably hit harder when time and time again, it is people who look like you or your family. We should ask why we need to see the bloody, suffocating depths of racist brutality to believe it. 

It is certainly important not to forget the humanity of the lives lost in the darkness of those depths. Activism is brilliant, but it is nothing without compassion. I hope for George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and the countless other black lives taken by cruelty and racism, that with their justice, we also bring them their flowers. 

Anti-blackness: a performative business

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TW: Racism

The early 19th century saw the introduction of minstrel shows and their quick and steady spread across the United States and Britain. Minstrel shows consisted of ridiculing black people with comedic intent, as white men wore blackface in the name of performance. They lampooned black people, ridiculing them in order to ensure black people were still, and forever would be, chained. Chained to the mangling stereotypes that live on today as a means of reminding the privileged people of America, and indeed the world, that these ‘animals’ were nothing more than a joke. These ‘jokes’ and ‘games’ were nothing more than performance in the name of art and humour with a clear goal: to perpetuate the notions of an oppressive system that to this day claims the lives of the innocent.

The early 21st century sees the weight of racism, like Sisyphus’ infinitely rolling stone, claim even more black lives. On May 25, 2020, white police officer Derek Chauvin murdered George Floyd, an innocent black man over a ‘false cheque’. Shortly after this horror, Toronto police pushed Regis Korchinski-Paquet, a 29-year-old gymnast, off her balcony to her all-too-soon death. On February 23, 2020, Ahmaud Marquez Arbery, another unarmed, 25-year-old African-American man, was lynched via gunshots by two white men as he was jogging. On April 22 1993, 18-year-old Stephen Lawrence was fatally stabbed as he waited for the bus. The list of victims of modern-day lynching is infinite and continues to claim lives like a perpetual plague.

Whilst these occurrences are only some of the ones most recently brought to light, they do not stand as isolated events. The history of the world and the society that we inhabit today is built off the contributions of black people and the anti-blackness that imprisons us daily. Denying it, like the history books and the curriculums choose to do, will not eliminate the truth, that for some reason, so many non-black people are terrified of admitting they possess and benefit from privilege. And with this privilege comes performance. 

As the Minneapolis rebellion takes action and highlights to the world the crimes condoned by the system, and the injustices are replayed time and time again, a wave of performance in the name of ‘solidarity’ surges with greater force than the fires across the Minnesotan city ever could. The Internet is flooded with messages and posts of apparent unity and respect towards black people. Some have been genuinely supportive, helping to amplify the situation and gain significant donations to relevant charities. But while most, at surface-level, seem supportive and genuine in their intentions, the same cannot be said for all the messages.

An example is that of influencer Nikita Dragun. In a recent tweet she seemed to be extending an arm out to black people, a supporting sister in all of these troubles. And yet, even the lightest of digging exposed that her support and heart are as shallow as a paddling pool. Not only is she known to maintain and monetise anti-black sentiment as a ‘culture vulture’ through using natural protective hairstyles and questionable foundation shade choices, but her tweet demonstrated what we already knew: the clout is bigger than the lives and that POC/minority solidarity isn’t real. Her badly copied and pasted tweet – a half-assed attempt to stand up – left more than just a sour taste in my mouth. Not only was the message patronising and a load of over-complicated and artistic fumble and mumble with no real meaning (“I’m not black but I support you”…what am I supposed to do with that?), but Dragun couldn’t even bring herself to copy the whole message leaving a whole chunk of it out. How brave of her to stand up and ‘speak for those who don’t have a voice’, putting her entire Internet career at risk when black people are only being abused, unjustly incarcerated, and murdered day in and day out. 

This is, unfortunately, a shared attitude across non-black people and their actions during this. As black people deal with the bricks of trauma which experiencing situations like this brings, they are also the only pioneers of real help and solidarity throughout all of this. They have the facts, the links, the instructions and tips for keeping safe during protests and the contacts to charities and organisations working to lighten the load. And what about our Fake Woke folk who proclaim justice via one silent ‘Like’? They are just that: silent. A deafening silence that reminds us of what they believe to be worth talking about. Black people are just not worth the effort, it seems, until it circulates and is being forced into everyone’s faces.

These are the people that stay quiet or prefer to log out because they’re “uncomfy” when someone says the N word (that someone often being themselves), or when a teacher makes a racist remark as a ‘joke’. These are the ‘siblings’ that will not speak back to their colourist families and the derogatory words they use to refer to black people, or the type of people who will accept Doja Cat because she is a tolerable or acceptable type of black person – not too black, not too loud, not too angry. These are the people that will take the true, well-meaning initiatives of POC and claim them as their own for their own drops of performative glory (I promise you are not as subtle as you think you are). These are the people who claim to campaign for real social reform and justice but choose to reflect an ‘apolitical’ stance so as to not get so involved in the issue and to protect themselves from the labours of carrying black troubles with them.

Even worse are the people who post on social media when black deaths go viral but will make no active effort to apply deep introspection and re-evaluate their privilege and how to use it for good. This is a privilege many cannot afford and frankly, I do not blame you from choosing the easy route. If George Floyd could’ve chosen, I think he too would have preferred an easier way. Nevertheless, choosing to be ‘apolitical’ is a political choice and a vile one at that. With every breath in your lungs you are saying that you consciously side with the oppressor and the perpetrators of these abuses and, simply, that you are perpetuating and actively benefiting from racism.

But some silences are more troubling than others. We’ve reached a point where ignorance and lack of empathy from certain demographics can be rationalised or merely brushed off. However, when the performative activism of the groups that we feel we are part of – friends and people that we trust care for our lives as black people- is unmasked, the fact that they simply do not care is not only evident and irrefutable, but deeply disheartening.

Do not forget that black people exist in all circles and groups of this world. Black people are religious. Black people are atheists. Black people enjoy all different types of art and music. Black people are your fellow STEM and Humanities students. They are your teammates and lab partners. Black people exist in different cultures and in different languages. Black people are the people that hold up your institutions and economies too. Black people have friends and families and pets. Black people are LGBTQ+ – and frankly nothing disgusts me as much as having to remind other LGBTQ+ people that it was a black trans woman that gave you what you have today. Your inability to be as fuelled by anger at these injustices when Stonewall itself was a riot against the brutalities of the police against the vulnerable and disregarded is as pathetic as it is nauseating.

Black people are and do everything like you, and yet, we are nothing to you. Having said that, why should it matter whether you can relate to a black person? Is your sense of humanity so weak and shallow that it can only blanket those that you feel you can directly understand? Are you so apathetic to other people that as soon as they are beyond the bounds of your immediate circle of interests or similarities, they cease to be humans with deserving lives? Are you so pitiable that you justify your picking and choosing of which lives are worth your efforts and your interest? When did the need to spread and gawk at a traumatic video of brutal murder (that is not only dehumanising and disrespectful, but simply cruel for everyone involved) become the only, and somehow acceptable, way of eliciting empathy? How can you call for liberation and justice when you turn a blind eye as to contribute and uphold the pillars of racism in all systems of society? Does your performance not extend that far? 

Despite all of this, black people are somehow meant to peacefully and quietly unpack the centuries of trauma that situations like these make us relive whilst enacting our own type of performance. We are made to perform for the Internet, for the political leaders and for everyone involved who won’t even bother to watch. It has become a routine job for black people to pick apart, explain and describe each and every little detail of this trauma in order to be heard; to put on a play for those who refuse to educate themselves on the matter as if Mr. Google isn’t a powerful enough tool. It’s almost as though some people enjoy seeing black people suffering and unpacking like this. As if the shock factor is thrilling more than it is terrifying.

Do not forget that black people do not owe you anything – not in these times or in any time. It should not be the duty of your black peers to educate you on what decent humanity for non-black people should be. It should not be our duty to replay our greatest fears for you because you refuse to see beyond your Fake Woke agenda. Nonetheless, every day it seems that this is the only tool we have left. You, non-black people, should be the ones taking the reins to protect the black people around you.

Do not forget that during these times your black peers are living with an indescribable amount of terror for themselves and for their loved ones. They live in the fear that one breath too loud could make it their last. Do not forget that black people deserve your genuine solidarity and respect and that it is important that this support extends beyond this immediate shock.

Be as loud and as angry when a little black girl is told her hair is unacceptable, or when black trans women, the most vulnerable minority group in the world, are attacked and murdered at disproportionate rates. Be just as vocal and true to us when young black men are denied access to places, events, and the working world. When talented students are disregarded or told they only reach academic peaks for the sake of a quota. When undercover cops cause chaos and young black people are run over and killed for it. How the media’s presentation of all of this, much like the minstrels, serves to show a damaging image, a ridiculed and violent form that fuels the anti-black fires.

No one is as hated or as disregarded as black people. Time and time again we are reminded, in both microaggressions and overt violence, that we aren’t considered worthy enough to live as equals. Anti-blackness is rife within white communities as well as Asian, Arab and Latinx ones. Blackness is relegated to the bottom of hierarchies of desirability and even humanity. And yet, you thrive off of our labour, our thoughts, our art, our cultures and our sweat. It takes real action and violence to be heard; no twisted, self-centred or ignorant myth that you wish to use to convince yourself otherwise will justify your inaction.

It is simple: black people are vulnerable, and anti-blackness is an all-consuming and fatal pandemic.

Images by Imran Suleiman

Oxford JCRs show solidarity with George Floyd protests

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A number of JCRs have proposed and passed motions in solidarity with George Floyd and ensuing protests in the United States. 

So far St. Anne’s, Wadham, St. Hilda’s, Regent’s Park, Christ Church, Worcester and St Catz are among the JCRs which have submitted motions for their 6th week JCR meetings. As of the evening of Sunday 31 May, Regent’s Park, St. Hilda’s and Keble are among those which have passed their motions. 

Protests broke out in the US and worldwide after the killing of George Floyd, an African-American man, while in police custody. Protests have also occurred in the UK throughout Sunday. 

The JCR motions pledge to donate to organisations including the Minnesota Freedom Fund and the National Lawyers Guild. Both the MFF and the NLG use funds to pay for the bail of those who have been arrested, as well as other legal costs. 

Wadham SU, made up of both undergraduate and graduate students, was the first to propose a motion, which proposed committing £500 from their charity fund to the Freedom Fund. The SU has also submitted a second motion in support of the National Lawyers Guild. 

St. Hilda’s JCR amended their motion to increase the College’s donation from £450 to £499 in support of the Minnesota Freedom Fund; Christ Church has committed £720 to the Black Visions Collective, Reclaim The Block, and the Minnesota Freedom Fund; Regent’s Park JCR has committed £50 in support of the National Lawyers Guild; Worcester has committed £200 to the Black Visions Collective, and Keble has committed £500 to National Lawyers Guild.

St Catz’s motion is to pass a letter of solidarity with the protesters, as their constitution prevents direct donation.

Wadham’s motion, as with those of other colleges, notes that “Police brutality is not confined to America but materially impacts Black British people and this includes Wadham students.”

Henna Khanom, who proposed Wadham’s motion, from which many JCRs have adapted their own motions, stated: “Standing up against police brutality and systematic racism is especially important for Oxford colleges given Oxford’s history, having profited off transatlantic slavery from the likes of Codrington at All Souls to Burge at Wadham.

“The system of carceral violence we are witnessing in America right now is the legacy of such slavery, and so Oxford is intimately tied to issues of racial justice whether we choose to acknowledge this or not.

“More and more JCRs are standing in international solidarity to demand justice against these systems of racial violence. If your JCR hasn’t yet done so, I would urge to consider raising a motion.”

This article was edited at 21.50 to include Worcester in the list of colleges who have passed motions.

Image credit to Phil Roeder / Wikimedia Commons.

The societal consequences of the prosthetic womb in Helen Sedgwick’s ‘The Growing Season’

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Imagining a world where reproductive technology has evolved to popularise prosthetic wombs, Helen Sedgwick’s ‘The Growing Season’ toes the line between utopia and dystopia and prompts urgent reflection on questions of equality in our own rapidly developing society.

Sedgwick’s speculative fiction effectively flips Margaret Atwood’s ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ on its head, bringing together strands of feminist thought on sex and gender to consider what would happen if those of us with wombs were emancipated from our reproductive burdens. A new ‘baby pouch’ is provided by FullLife, a glossy for-profit private company with an ominous Intercap that instantly screams ‘Black Mirror-esque baddie’. This groundbreaking technology enables pregnancies to occur through ectogenesis (the incubation of fetuses outside a human for the full duration of a pregnancy) and thus enabling us to ‘solve’ the ‘problem’ of our biological differences.

The shiny successes of the pouch are immediately evident. Queer couples, single people, those medically unable to conceive, are all able to become parents with the aid of this new technology; couples are permitted to share equally the joys and burdens of pregnancy; no longer restrained by the need to take maternal leave, women can uncompromisingly pursue further education or career aspirations, their opportunities unrestrained by their ‘biological clocks’. Societal attitudes subsequently shift, with both sex and gender ceasing to be an obstacle to anyone in life. Supposedly, everyone wins.

As the narrative flits between the first trials of the prosthetic womb and present day, where the ‘pouch’ has become popularised throughout society, it is undeniable that the impetus behind such experiments were inspired by the rhetoric of Shulamith Firestone, whose 1970 novel ‘The Dialect of Sex: The Case for Feminist Revolution’ became a classic text of the second-wave feminist movement. Within it, Firestone asserts that modern society could not achieve true gender equality until women’s biological traits are separated from their identity; in theory, FullLife provides the technology to enable the evolution of society along these lines. This is certainly reflected in the hopes of Holly Bhattacharya, a young woman who is the first to donate her eggs for the first human trial of the ‘pouch baby’; in a rebuttal of her parents’ sexist expectations, she is astute that “If equality was to be achieved, the physiology, the biology, had to evolve.” Certainly, from the heralded successes of the pouch, it could be speculated that essentially removing the process of childbirth from the conventional female life trajectory has the potential to alleviate entrenched societal, cultural and economic inequalities. 

However, there are certainly more insidious undertones to Sedgwick’s world which we would do well to heed. The framing of the baby pouch as an alternative to abortion (women who become unwillingly pregnant can have the feotus transferred to a pouch) in order to pacify religious opposition results in children’s homes overburdened to breaking point. Simultaneously this rhetoric is an effective ‘full stop’ in the fight for full recognition of women’s reproductive and civil rights – although complications regarding existing abortion legislation are neglected from the book, this would undeniably place essential reproductive rights into a dangerous grey area.

FullLife also appears to have eclipsed and absorbed the obstetric services of the NHS, with public healthcare slipping silently into private annexation behind the success stories. Although it is claimed the pouch is “affordable for all”, lower-class couples appear to only access ‘second-hand pouches’, and an international black market is hinted at. Whilst this idea is only touched on in the novel, Claire Horn discusses the realities of artificial wombs and accessibility in her blog post, ‘Ectogenesis at Home?’: “The artificial womb, (…) is likely to be expensive and limited to use in highly equipped neonatal intensive care units. Global disparities in health outcomes for pregnant people and neonates, as well as racialized disparities in these outcomes within the wealthiest nations stand only to be increased by the introduction of this technology. In the pursuit of technologies widely perceived to be fundamentally positive, such as interventions to sustain prematurely born babies, access is too frequently an afterthought.” The result of neglecting such questions can result in irreversible consequences, as disparate access to this new technology clearly poses the possibility of exacerbating social inequality. 

We are also offered glimpses of the pouch as an extreme way for abusers to control women; a partner is able to carry the pouch and control every element of the pregnancy, capable of threatening damage to the pouch as a means of coercing their victim. This revelation is especially poignant through the perspective of the pouch’s initial creator, Freida. Upon presenting this information to the board of FullLife, the researcher finds herself dismissed and silenced. Her realisation that her creation has been released into a society ill-prepared for it and is now irreversibly out of her hands leaves a lasting impression.

Thus, whilst not detracting from the positive impacts of the pouch for many groups of people, there is certainly a lot to be said about this ‘quick fix’ for a plethora of complex and intertwined economic, legal and cultural issues. This notion of technology effectively ‘leap-frogging’ essential societal reforms is effectively epitomised by the novel’s main protagonist, Eva, one of the last remaining anti-pouch activists: “Instead of fearing the pain of childbirth (…) perhaps we should be celebrating the strength of women”.

The undercurrent of unease threading throughout the book consistently enforces this idea that whilst this invention may smooth a sheen over the messy, painful and inconvenient elements of childbirth, it effectively leaves a number of entrenched attitudes, behaviours and social structures of inequality to fester. 

Whilst these rather ominous undertones do not formulate the main impetus for the narrative, which instead focuses on faults with the technology itself, in reality they may manifest into more than theoretical experiments; since ‘The Growing Season’ was published in 2017, some striking developments have been made in reproductive technology. The same year, researchers at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia successfully trialed a ‘biobag’ which has the capacity to keep lambs alive that were born at the equivalent of 23 weeks of human pregnancy. More recently, in October 2019 scientists from Eindhoven University of Technology announced that they were within 10 years of developing an artificial womb that could save the lives of premature babies. Such technology would be groundbreaking; 15 million babies are born before 37 weeks every year, half of whom don’t survive. The researchers have since been given a €2.9m (£2.6m) grant to develop a working prototype for use in clinics.

Whilst full ectogenesis is still a big leap from present stage of development, these innovations and the ethical concerns surrounding them certainly imply a trajectory not so dissimilar to that of FullLife and its baby pouch. Consequently, as our own reality draws closer to that of Sedgwick’s speculations, the need for preemptive legislative, social and cultural change becomes ever-more pressing.

Classic Letdowns: Ulysses by James Joyce

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There are some rites of passage simply not worth the walk – just ask David Cameron. From pig’s heads to pyramids of naked would-be rugby players, sometimes the ends simply do not justify the means. For any English student, after the wonder of that UCAS acceptance letter pinging into your inbox wears off, after celebrations and congratulations, comes the realisation: you have to actually spend time reading. Certain titles come with the territory, such as Beowulf, To the Lighthouse, Middlemarch – texts that the great and the good have powered through and come to terms with, texts referred to as a rite of passage for a literature student. A spectre looming over any modernism paper, however, like overdue gonorrhoea test results, is Joyce’s Ulysses. 1195 pages, according to the annotated student edition that haunted my bedside table throughout the Michaelmas vacation, of literary swampland. Moving from Middlemarch to Ulysses between Michaelmas and Hilary is the equivalent of graduating from the philosopher’s stone to the goblet of fire, and trying to read Joyce’s masterwork certainly finds some kind of analogue in the boy wizard’s attempts at divining clues from that screaming dragon egg before Robert Pattinson tells him to submerge it in a bath (a method which crossed my mind around chapter four).  

‘You swine!’ – I hear you, my tutor, and Anthony Burgess yell through the dusty corridor of literature studies – ‘Everybody knows now that Ulysses is the greatest novel of the century!’ This very quote, in fact, sits on the back cover of the edition, next to a photo of Joyce himself, a Portrait of the Artist as a Young Twat, sneering out at my pathetic little uncomprehending mind as I read a page-long passage of Leopold Bloom evacuating his bowels. This, apparently, is the novel to end all novels, the greatest artefact of the English language – to which I reply, like Mr. Bloom himself: ‘Pprrpffrrppfff.’ 

I am fully willing to accept that Joyce’s art is simply beyond my comprehension, that I’m just not smart enough to grasp the genius behind the word ‘contransmagnificandjewbangtantiality’ (which, apparently is a play on the hilarious words ‘consubstantiation’ and ‘transubstantiation’, as well as a joke about the famously irreverent sex life of the virgin Mary). Indeed, I’m reliably informed that Ulysses is a laugh a minute, but Joyce’s polylinguistic puns, based on knowledge of Polish subjunctive verbs, street names in historical Dublin, and scribal error in a medieval poem about the missing bollocks of a Benedictine monk simply pass me by. Apparently, Joyce was attempting to create a language so allusive and specific it borders on the private. If only it remained as such. 

The novel is a classic, and its place in the history of innovation is undeniable. On the other hand, this seems like innovation in much the same way as 3D TVs and Google Glass: sure, it’s new, but I don’t want it anywhere near my face. Finally, the critics tell me, it is a rendering of the human mind in all of its complexities and subjectivities: wonderful, yet if I wanted an exact descriptions of the goings on in someone’s brain I’d save the £24.99 and just sit and think for the thirty-eight years it took me to actually make it to the end of this book. I can’t actually root the sheer, visceral hatred Ulysses evokes in me in any considered, intellectual, literary analysis. It’s just really long, it doesn’t make any sense, and it gives me a headache. Whilst reading, I missed out on all of the things Joyce was doing because I couldn’t stop thinking about more productive, more pleasurable ways I could be spending my time, ranging from sitting staring at a wall to sticking a toothpick under my toenail and kicking said wall. By page 800 I was wistfully longing for the dishwater preaching of Dorothea, or the specific conjugations of class 4 Old English verbs, anything that didn’t feel like the literary equivalent of Chinese water torture, each of Declan Kiberd’s laborious annotations, like a hammer to the skull, informing me that this particular line is a reference to an arctic bird, or perhaps a scholar of medieval Catholicism, or perhaps another fart joke.

In all likelihood I’m missing the point, Joyce was actually parodying difficult books, don’t you know, it’s me taking all of this too seriously, the joy of the book lies in its glorious irreverence and self-referential innovation and other chains of meaningless words. Perhaps I was the pig-headed one all along. It is not so much that, as Virginia Woolf venomously put it, that Ulysses is ‘illiterate’, nor is it even illegible: I just don’t want to read it. I would love to be proved wrong, to have my eyes opened to what makes this overgrown mass of pages actually really fun to read, worth more than an emergency supply of 1000 sheets of toilet paper. For now, however, Anthony Burgess can keep his book of the century and keep it in the 1900s, in the venerable company of Polio and the Nickelodeon time capsule. 

Do It For the Gram: Dalgona Heartbreak

I’ve grammed my food exactly once in my nineteen years. In my defence, it was Thanksgiving, the food is really only in the lower half of the pic, and something about a platter of carrots adds a quirky twist to an otherwise shameless selfie. And yet, I have spent God knows how long looking at food on Instagram. I don’t even think about how it tastes, I just reckon it looks so pretty. Is there any reason to blend your fruit and yogurt into a rainbow swirl smoothie bowl instead of just eating it? No, but gosh it looks nice. I know it’s all too easy to make fun of those of us who’ve dabbled in quarantine baking, but I salute you guys. If you find you can keep the lockdown blues at bay by channeling your productivity into banana bread, I’m impressed, and my Netflix marathons have nothing on you.

Inspired, I decided to tackle an Instagram food trend myself. I had to pick something within my capabilities – I’ve got scars that could tell stories, and those stories are pretty much all that I should not be trusted in the kitchen unsupervised. Whipped coffee looks not only aesthetically pleasing, but achievable, and unlikely to result in injury should it go wrong. 

I’ve searched Google, TikTok and Instagram. All this extensive research has led to this master recipe: two tablespoons of granulated sugar, two tablespoons of boiling water, and two tablespoons of instant coffee. Whisk it until it’s all fluffy, and spoon over iced milk.

But I’m a woman of ambition, and so I wanted to take this a step further. Or perhaps a five-year-old of ambition, because I felt the necessary extension of this challenge was to instead make whipped chocolate milk, whipped strawberry milk, and whipped banana milk. It’s rare that you find yourself buying banana Nesquik for the sake of student journalism, but here you have it.

After five minutes of using an electric whisk on some Nesquik Extra-Choc to absolutely zero results, I learned that although instant coffee (which I forgot to buy) and Nesquik are both flavoured instant-drink powders, they are not interchangeable. I’ll be honest, I didn’t see that coming. I took a break, added some milk to my bowl of Nesquik Extra-Choc syrup, added some Crunchy Nut cereal to that, and went back to the drawing board.

The only thing I made today. Delightful, yet headache-inducing: do not try this at home.

I tried again, this time using ground coffee. Worse than before. With the previous attempt, I at least made some Nesquik Extra-Choc. This time I made something that not only tasted bad, but was seriously starting to affect my self-esteem. Further googling has taught me that instant coffee is a ‘foaming agent’. “Don’t worry if you don’t have instant coffee!” chirped one online blogger. “Just use meringue powder.” Okay, Karen.

I’ll be real with you guys – I tried whipping milk (not possible), I tried making this with an espresso (no), and I even tried it with crème fraîche. What kind of house has crème fraîche but not instant coffee, you ask? My house, and I can’t wait for lockdown to be over.

All I can offer you is a review of the Nesquiks.

Nesquik Extra-Choc: 11/10. No, 11/7. What did you expect?

Nesquik Strawberry: A grave disappointment. The recipe has been altered to reduce the sugar. If I wanted the taste of a strawberry without the sugar, I would eat a strawberry. Let me chase Type II diabetes in peace.

Nesquik Banana: A bizarre flavour experience. Impossible to describe – I won’t even try.

So, I’ve spent the better part of my day substituting sugary drinks for a meal and I still haven’t mastered the Savage dance from TikTok. Was this really the best use of my time? I say yes. Marie Kondo reckons we should hang on to whatever sparks joy, and for me, it’s hard to find something that sparks more joy than Nesquik. Bless up, guys, and stay happy.