Saturday 4th July 2026
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The death of irony: in defence of Giles Coren

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This December has seen a small-scale media battle played out across The Times, Cherwell and The Telegraph. One very flippant journalist has been roundly admonished in both the university and national press by a few students whose end of term exhaustion took the form of a serious sense of humour failure. It is now about time to set the record straight. Giles Coren does not believe that terrible teaching is what makes Oxford special, nor is he a racist. He is simply a master of the apparently rapidly disappearing art of irony.

It all started when Faiz Siddiqui, an alumnus of Brasenose College, announced his intention of suing his alma mater for £1 million on the grounds that the “negligent” teaching he received reventing him from obtaining a first-class degree, and seriously impaired his career prospects.

In response, Giles Coren, a columnist and restaurant critic for The Times, penned a dismissal of Siddiqui’s suit entitled ‘Terrible Teaching is what makes Oxford Special’. He explained that “one goes to Oxford precisely because the teaching is rubbish” and mused that perhaps “the problem stems from Mr Siddiqui being of foreign origin and somehow mistakenly equating Oxford University with ‘learning’ and ‘teaching’ and getting value for money.” The article provoked outrage among students.

Speaking to Cherwell, Magdalen College JCR Vice President Amanda Turner commented, “The tutorial system in Oxford means students receive some of the best standards of teaching in the world, and there is a good feedback system for students to use if they aren’t happy with teaching standards.

However, remarks like Giles Coren’s prevent students from speaking up if they aren’t satisfied with how they are being taught.”

Tony Diver, writing in The Telegraph, argued that comments like Coren’s are “exactly what puts off state school applicants to Oxbridge” and that Coren should “stop spreading lies that could do some real damage.”

Reasonable responses, you might suppose. Certainly, if taken seriously, Coren’s airy dismissal of an Oxford education—which thousands of teenagers sweat and struggle to earn the right to every year—as rubbish is in very poor taste, particularly considering anyone who does manage to get there also pays £9000 a year for the privilege. And undoubtedly, his characterisation of student life as “drinking and playing tennis and nicking books out of the Bod under your cricket jumper” could have been lifted straight from the pages of Brideshead Revisited. It does not exactly scream accessibility to an applicant intimidated by Oxford’s reputation as an elite, upper-class playground. But the crucial point here is whether we take him seriously.

In the same article, Coren tells us that he has “never fully recovered” from missing a 13th birthday party which would have enabled him to begin his sex life early. In the last two months he has described ordering food in a restaurant in the terms, “We just shout, ‘PRAWNS CHICKEN CHOCOLATE CAKE’ at some guy” and his own laughter as “so hard that it hurt my face, rattled the chandeliers and caused the mounted stag heads on the wall (if there were any, which I cannot be certain of) to turn and stare and tut.” My point being, we are not expected to take everything he says at face value.

Coren is a good writer. He understands that humour and mockery are a better way to criticise something than simply stating that it’s wrong. Which is why he wrote an article in nostalgic praise of terrible teaching and smug behaviour at Oxford. Because what he was actually doing was tearing the place to pieces. The line, “Maybe the problem stems from Mr Siddiqui being of foreign origin and somehow mistakenly equating Oxford University with ‘learning’ and ‘teaching’ and getting value for money” is not a xenophobic expression of an antiquated viewpoint but a sarcastic condemnation of an institution that defied its international reputation for excellence to provide awful teaching for himself and Siddiqui.

His image of Oxford as a place for drunken undergraduates to lob books at tourists is fully intended to sound equal parts repulsive and fictional because his point is that is precisely not what Oxford is for. In the sharpest and funniest way Coren is making some serious criticisms—the standard of teaching as he experienced it was unacceptable and education should be about more than posh boys behaving badly.

If you don’t believe me, you need only read some of Coren’s other writings on his time at Oxford. He is admirably honest about how miserable he was. Perhaps Diver should have done so before describing his work as “pompous […] Oxford nostalgia”. As Oxford students, I’m pretty sure we’re smart enough to know when someone means the opposite of what they’re saying. Coren may not like the place much but, if he is ever tempted to come back, I think we could all do with some lessons in irony.

‘Last Christmas’: a lingering recollection

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A jingling synthetic beat begins and a voice croons a wordless melody. It ignites an image in my mind.

It’s the smell that comes back to me first. Warm cigarette smoke surrounds me, enveloping not suffocating, and fills my lungs with its stinging nostalgia. It is intermingled with the scent of a newly opened box of wrapped sweets, a strangely comforting blend of chocolate and manufactured plastic. Elsewhere in the house, potatoes are being roasted, inevitably just past the point of burning which will cause the first point of contention at the Christmas dinner table.

The music continues, bringing back with it more memories as the voice begins, “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.”

The room, as I remember it, is warm, heated by an overcrowding of cousins and candles. Outside, there is no picturesque field with newly fallen snow, but rather the slushy street of an industrial town with cold pavements and flickering street lights. Some venture out, dragging on their cigarettes to warm their insides as they stand in the icy air. At that young age, I do not realise the irony of their actions.

“Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye.” The layering of synths resonates, and the landscape of my memory deepens.

My grandmother is there. She towers over me, imposing, intimidating, yet warm. It is strange which parts of a person stick in your memory, strange that I cannot for the life of me remember what she said to me but I remember her soft dressing gown and the way that she slept with her mouth wide open, snoring noisily. Her home was the epicentre at Christmas time and the festivities ripple out from her. She sits in the middle, the root of this family tree whose branches stretch out in front of her as her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren gather in her tiny living room.

As the notes build to a climax, I am fully immersed, I am a child again. “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away“.

Standing a few feet lower than most others in the room, conversation swirls above my head and out of reach of my understanding as Christmas songs play on a loop quietly in the background. I like it that way. I play with newly opened toys as those dearest to me mill around, sharing, for the briefest of times, the same room, the same air, the same memories, before we all return to our own lives. This collective feels stoic, unchangeable, and makes me feel untouchable. The ever opening and closing door never brings a dark stranger but rather a familiar face and the steamed-up single-paned windows are the sturdy walls to this familial fortress.

The song descends into a fade and, with it, my memory fades too. I am left with reality, cold and harsh as it is. And yet, the warmth lingers for just a moment more.

That house seemed concrete and its inhabitants and visitors seemed like characters in a play, frozen in the timelessness of my childhood. I know now, however, that I was wrong. I drive past that house sometimes and try to picture my family members in the window but it is impossible. All are changed by time and some are no longer with us. It is only through the channels of music, of certain songs, that I can return there, return to my childhood, and recapture that ‘Last Christmas’.

Christmas around the world: Hungary

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When it comes to celebrating Christmas, most people have some kind of ritual in mind. In the UK, this usually features the opening of presents on Christmas Day morning, sending and receiving glossy cards, singing and listening to festive carols. Some listen to the Queen’s Speech, or so I’ve heard. And, of course, there is the compulsory mammoth meal of turkey, stuffing, the odd boiled vegetables few seem to like, and a surfeit of dried fruity goodness (read: calories) under the names of Christmas pudding and mince pies. For my family, however, we have another tradition to accommodate into our celebrations – the Hungarian Christmas ritual.

Christmas in Hungary kicks off on the 6th December. Children place their shoes out on the windowsill for Mikulás (Father Christmas) to leave packages of chocolate and peanuts for the well-behaved. Schools and work-places also put on Mikulâs-courts, often as part of their annual Christmas parties. These events can be anything between fantastic (if you’re under six years old), to awkward and risible (for everyone else).

There is also always the small chance that Mikulás decides that you have been naughty. The impending judgment is all the more threatening when you fail to note the similarities in appearance between Mikulás and your mum’s weird old colleague, who has been unknowingly absent from the room since Mikulás’ entrance. However, the fear of being beaten and taken away by Krampusz, Mikulas’ devil-like companion, is, of course, never realised. No child is ever found to be naughty. Nor should any child ever try, as I did, to later make sense of Krampusz’s symbolism; terrifying Google image searches ruin over-sentimentalised memories, period.

‘Holy Eve’ on the 24th December is the main event. Gifts are exchanged before dinner, a tradition that my family has maintained since moving to England. After all, who wants to wait when you can justify opening presents a day earlier? Present opening occurs alongside copious sugar consumption, as ‘little Jesus’, who we believe delivers the presents (not Santa Claus), is also credited with decorating the Christmas tree with szaloncukor (a fondant and chocolate-based nibble) and other sweet treats.

Christmas dinner contains notably less meat, due to the influence of the Catholic fast. And, about ninety-eight per cent of food contains compulsory red paprika. Even more importantly, what is dried fruit or minced meat in the UK is replaced with sweetened poppy seed. Flavoured with honey, sugar, rum or cognac (because everything tastes better with sugar and alcohol), it is used to fill everything from strudels, known as mákos beigli, to shortbread croissants, called pozsonyi kifli. Christmas is a sorry time for those who dislike poppy seed.

Whilst some parents nowadays insist on spending Holy Eve alone with their children, mass family gatherings are unavoidable. No excuses are accepted, especially not by love-hungry grandparents who demand a full three to four day access pass to their descendants. For my family, this results in a rapid succession of meals after which one’s sole desire is to crawl up on a sofa, hoping not to burst after the consumption of unquantifiable amounts of ‘lovingly prepared Christmas goodness’. Food, of course, cannot be refused without mortally offending our hostesses.

To keep ourselves entertained throughout dinner, quite a few families, including mine, find time to get into colossal arguments. “You do realise that you are a Nazi?” has previously featured, and no, I don’t think alcohol was involved. In fact, at least in my family, drinking does not usually extend beyond the odd glass of mulled wine or some sickeningly sweet cream liqueur. Serious inebriation is reserved for New Year’s Eve, or ‘Szilveszter’ as it is known in the region.

And, if you were wondering how the above incident ended. Well, my grandmother, well-accustomed to such theatrics, responded by offering said relative another piece of poppy seed strudel, and then ushered him into the living room where he could peacefully drift into a nap whilst watching either Home Alone or one of the Sissi films on the TV.

Recipe: Let the festivities be-gin

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Christmas and alcohol go hand in hand, and whilst your standard mulled wine or glass of prosecco may be classics, sometimes shaking up (or perhaps stirring) your winter party cocktails can be the best part of festive drinking. So here I have a few yummy favourite cocktails of mine.

You’ll see that I don’t offer exact amounts of each ingredient to use: I prefer to use ratios, and even then, I recommend tasting it to ensure the drink is exactly to your preference.

Sloe gin fizz

Sloe gin is probably the nectar of the Gods (what is a cocktail without gin, am I right?). If you have homemade sloe gin then this is a great way to use it, but if not, many supermarkets stock it. If you want to stay down the locally made path, Demijohns on Little Clarendon Street stocks a very tasty sloe gin made in Worcester. A simple cocktail that not only tastes good but looks beautiful too.

Ingredients:

  1. Sloe gin
  2. Champagne
  3. Lemon juice
  4. Sugar syrup
  5. Edible glitter

Each glass should be 1/5 lemon syrup, 2/5 sloe gin and 2/5 champagne.

Method:

1 – Start with decorating your champagne flutes – this isn’t optional because it looks amazing, and you’ll feel like a domestic goddess. To do this, moisten the rim of each glass with lemon juice before gently placing the glass upside down in the edible glitter on a plate until the rim is covered in glitter.

2 – Combine your lemon juice, and sugar syrup together and mix, before adding to a Boston shaker along with the sloe gin, and shake the ingredients together, (alternatively, stir vigorously).

3 – Pour into your glass and fill it up with champagne.

 

Mulled Sloe Gin

Once again sloe gin is making an appearance (sorry not sorry) in our second drink on the list. Finding a really tasty juice to make this with is a key part; I was lucky to pick up some of the highly coveted apple & pear juice made from fruit in the orchards of Worcester College. However, Marks & Spencer has a brilliant one too. This is the ideal drink for if you’re a little bored of mundane mulled wine (if that’s possible).

Ingredients:

  1. Sloe Gin
  2. Apple & pear juice
  3. Mixed spices (star anise, cinnamon sticks, cloves etc.)

Aim for ¼ sloe gin to ¾ juice here.

Method:

1 – Put the juice into a pan and leave it to simmer.

2 – Add in the cinnamon sticks, star anise and cloves.

3 – Then add the sloe gin, gently stirring the juice and spices with it.

4 – Take off the heat and serve into your glasses.

 

Cinnamon Bellini

So this one doesn’t have any gin it, BUT as a bellini is such an elegant celebratory drink, I shall allow it as an exception – at least for the Christmas season. Also, cinnamon is delicious. Cinnamon tea can be difficult to find, but there’s a great 3 cinnamon tea made by Pukka. Equally, if you struggle to find cinnamon syrup, you can make your own using liquid sugar and ground cinnamon.

Ingredients:

  1. Cinnamon tea
  2. Cinnamon syrup
  3. Prosecco
  4. Cinnamon sticks (optional)

Method:

1 – Brew your cinnamon tea, trying to make it quite strong. Once you are satisfied, place it in the fridge to keep it cool, alongside your prosecco and cinnamon syrup.

2 – When the ingredients are chilled, stir together your syrup and tea before filling half the glass with the mixture.

3 – Add the prosecco and place a cinnamon stick in the glass for decoration.

 

Enjoy and drink responsibly this Christmas season!

Oxford University brands MailOnline story about its ‘snowflake’ professors “misleading”

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Oxford University has called the MailOnline’s claims that it “shields its snowflake professors” by offering counselling to avoid traumatisation from research “very misleading”.

It has also taken issue with the MailOnline’s assertion that “‘Mr and Mrs’ is banned” at the University.

An article, published on 18 December, states that “experienced academics at Oxford University are being offered counselling so they can avoid being traumatised by their research”, which critics are calling “the latest example of pandering to the emotionally delicate ‘snowflake generation’ who are over-sensitive to difficult situations”.

A spokesperson for Oxford University said, “The courses that they referred to are only offered to a very small number of individuals who are doing research involving fieldwork in physically dangerous and emotionally distressing environments.

“As a university, we research some of the most challenging and distressing social issues, such as sexual abuse, genocide, natural disaster or domestic violence. Our vicarious trauma workshops were designed for researchers whose work involved traumatic situations such as war or conflict zones, and whose own safety may have been in jeopardy.

“The health and wellbeing of staff and students working in these areas is a priority for the university. It is important that researchers are also aware of the effects that their research can have on them and their personal and family life.”

These trauma workshops have been offered since October. However, they appear to have been used by the MailOnline in light of the Sunday Times’ claim that Oxford University Student Union (OUSU) had released a leaflet that “told” students to use ‘ze’ as a gender neutral pronoun in place of ‘he’ and ‘she’, which Cherwell revealed to be untrue last week.

In their headline, the MailOnline explicitly states, “First ‘he’ and ‘she’ became ‘ze’. Now ‘Mr and Mrs’ is BANNED: Oxford University tells colleges to ‘remove gender-specific titles'”.

The guidance on the use of non-gendered titles that the MailOnline refers to in its second article, which was also published on 18 December, has been on the website of the University’s Equality and Diversity Unit since 2013.

In a statement, a spokesperson for Oxford University explained that the guidance is “just a suggestion for staff”.

They commented, “Their suggestions arose out of discussions about what was supportive for transgender staff and students, but also from a wider question about whether gendered titles such as Mr and Mrs were outdated as in the academic, collaborative working environment, first names are generally used and marital status is usually irrelevant.”

The MailOnline has been contacted for comment.

OUSU campaign takes consent classes to France

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It Happens Here (IHH), Oxford University Student Union’s (OUSU) sexual harrasment campaign group, has recently taken their consent classes to France.

Several members of the IHH committee ran the workshops with students aged 15-18 at the Anglophone Section of the Lycée François Premier in Fontainebleau, a commune close to Paris, from 24 to 27 November.

The consent classes, which are similar to those IHH organise through JCRs for freshers’ week, mark the first international trip of the group’s latest initiative to offer adapted versions of consent workshops in schools outside Oxford.

The workshops were some of the first of their kind to take place in France, where the idea of consent education is relatively unknown compared to the UK.

Josh Rampton, the co-chair of IHH, which is “committed to raising awareness of sexual violence, supporting survivors, and promoting consent and first response education”, described the work as “a great success”.

Rampton told Cherwell, “The committee members were pleasantly shocked by how quickly and fervently most of the students became engaged with the subject. The students, much like those in Freshers Week, were horrified but often not surprised by the statistics that were discussed. They were given French statistics illustrating the prevalence of sexual harassment, assault, and rape in these workshops.

“Despite many comments to the effect of ‘but this is obvious…’, quite a few very basic misconceptions surrounding sexual assault were successfully dismantled. Many students were surprised to learn of the controversy these workshops provoked in the UK.”

One sixth-former at the Lycée, Antoine Sacco, shared the optimism of IHI. He said, “It was definitely a good idea, and the fact that we had data for both France and the UK was very pleasant. Students liked it much [sic], even though it would have been great to have different activities. Reading comments about sexual harassment was quite boring from the fourth one.

“I believe everybody enjoyed it and praise the initiative taken there.”

On behalf of the University’s Faculty of Modern Languages, Simon Kemp, Associate Professor of French at Somerville, told Cherwell, “We’re very proud of our students’ determination to make a difference and delighted to have the university associated with such important work. I’m glad that the consent workshops in France were a success, and that French media interest means their efforts may have a broader impact.”

For the first time this October, every Oxford JCR ran ‘compulsory’ consent classes.

Similar workshops were met with backlash at some universities. Undergraduates at York University and Clare College in Cambridge boycotted the “patronising” consent classes.

The Department for Consistent Failure

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1,000 drivers on strike. 156 stations, in a part of the country stuffed full of commuters, rendered useless. More than 600,000 journeys disrupted. This week the biggest rail strike since privatisation, 22 years ago, has led to a collapse in the operation of Southern Rail’s vast network, causing turmoil on some of the most economically important rail services in the country.

The strike has been organised by Aslef and the RMT Union, whose head, Mick Whelan, will enter into talks with Transport Minister, Chris Grayling, to attempt to find a resolution to this carnage. If unsuccessful, more industrial action can be expected next week, the week after Christmas, throughout January, and for “ten more years” according to Whelan. Unfortunately for Grayling, who previously denied Boris Johnson’s proposal for Transport for London (TfL) to take over suburban rail services on the ground that it might give more power to a Labour mayor, there remain very few companies that demonstrate any kind of confidence in the Department for Transport—and rightly so.

Even before this fiasco, the list of errors that the ministry had made since the Conservatives came back into power in 2010 was vast. Under Phillip Hammond, the current Chancellor, the government decided to adopt Labour’s vague plan for a high-speed train linking London and Birmingham, proposing to spend £42.6 billion on the project. Likewise, under Hammond’s successor Justine Greening, the department cost the taxpayer some £40 million by making, what was later admitted to be, a “terrible mistake” in awarding the West Coast rail franchise to FirstGroup, stripping Virgin of the contract. Under the leadership of Hammond, Greening and recent incumbent Patrick McLoughlin, the department decided to continue to convert several major British motorways into ‘smart motorways’, at immense cost, despite safety risks.

Whilst the recent controversy surrounding the department has rightly focused on the railways, the ‘smart motorways’ proposals should not be allowed to slip under the radar.

These ‘smart motorways’ have seen hard shoulders converted into permanent driving lanes in an attempt to ease congestion on some of Britain’s busiest routes. However, breakdown companies, such as the RAC and the AA, have expressed safety concerns about the scheme, and an inquiry by MPs on the Commons transport select committee suggested that the proposals had not been properly considered.

The Department for Transport has insisted, throughout the running of these schemes, that the move towards ‘smart motorways’ is “an incremental change” that has “almost halved” journey times on some of the routes on which it has been implemented.

But the AA’s president Edmund King has retorted, saying “right from the outset, the AA raised substantive safety concerns, also voiced by our members, over the dangers of breaking down on a motorway without a hard shoulder or with an inadequate number and size of lay-bys. Whilst we need to increase capacity and reduce congestion we must ensure that we are not cutting corners, which compromise safety just to reduce costs.”

The current roadworks on the M3—a motorway which links London to much of the South including Guildford, Woking, Basingstoke and Winchester—are examples of the ridiculous nature of the Department for Transport’s policy.

In January 2015, a £129 million contract was awarded to an infrastructure company to upgrade a 13.4 mile stretch of the motorway. This has resulted in a 50mph speed limit on much of the road, as well as consistent closures of the whole road at night and the build-up of traffic jams, which often stretch for several miles. Somewhat inevitably, the project is set to miss its initial completion date of January 2017 by a minimum of six months, due to “additional unforeseen works.”

With questions being raised about the safety of ‘smart motorways’, it is entirely possible that, by the time these roadworks are completed, the Department for Transport will have been forced to introduce a new set of schemes to extend the width of the M3, and that the Hampshire/Surrey area will be further plagued by delays on its most important road. This would not only be an inconvenience to millions of road users, but yet another huge waste of public money.

The Department for Transport has an annual budget of £5.3 billion and it is the role of John Hayes, the current Transport Minister and potential future Transport Secretary, to co-ordinate with Highways England to make sure that England’s roads are as safe and efficient as possible. But the current state of the whole department, with regards to both roads and railways, demands investigation. This is not an issue that should be focused on one administration—its work under the Blair/Brown governments was equally poor—but instead on the department itself. Someone within the department must hold the ministers accountable for their shoddy work over the past decade, and sort out the mess in which British transport finds itself.

Christmas around the world: Austria

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To describe Christmas as one holiday alone is perhaps an understatement. In Britain, it much rather feels like a series of holidays, a weeks-long chain of rituals, that monopolise December and the proceeding months. This is a sentiment, as I have realised during my year abroad in the sadly-not-yet-so-snowy Alpine mountains, that seems all the more true of Austria and its captivating traditions.

The ritual of Krampusläufe (the Krampus processions) is the stand-out example. Sankt Nikolaus (Saint Nicholas, of course) may gladly take responsibility for the good children, but it is Krampus who is left to deal with all the bad ones. It soon transpires that Santa giving naughty children coal simply does not suffice for these hardy mountain dwellers.

Throughout folklore, Krampus has whisked disobedient children away in sacks to be drowned, or taken them straight to hell (they really don’t hold back, apparently…) and the practice of today is not so thematically dissimilar. In early December, a Krampuslauf takes place in many towns where adults dress up as the demonic part-human, part-goat, and wholly-terrifying horned beast. Parents take along their children to the ocassion, one can only assume, out of a desire to see them scared absolutely shitless. The night-time event features fire and sticks with which the Krampuses (Krampusses? Krampi?) beat the children to whom they run up to at random. Think less ‘walking in a winter wonderland’ and rather ‘attempting survival in any horror film you’ve ever had the guts to watch’. That pretty sums up Krampus and his festive role in western Austria.

You can watch a summary of this year’s event in the Tyrolean ski resort town of Sölden for the least Christmassy thing you have ever seen, and to prove that I’m not making it all up:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VSdrH3B6JE&w=560&h=315]

There is, of course, much more to Christmas in the Austrian Alps than Krampus. On 6 December, Sankt Nikolaus visits the houses of families with children, giving them small gifts that are usually heavy on the chocolates. The Immaculate Conception is also marked throughout Catholic Austria and Italy with the day off on the 8th.

Christmas markets, the staple of the Germanic advent, spring up in towns from Innsbruck to Vienna. They are filled with handmade and local products, be it knitted scarves or fruity jams, mulled wine, Bratwursts or Kaisershmarrn (sugared pancakes with raisins). The imitations of such markets in the UK are a positive sign of a lovely cultural event catching on, but they often seem fake and lack the spirit of their European counterparts, despite many having come directly from there. Perhaps this is because of the lesser importance Brits place on the market as a place where friends and family spend time together, defying the cold. Indeed, in the UK, the market itself takes on a far greater role, making more necessary the fanfare of the likes of Hyde Park’s Winter Wonderland.

During my year abroad, it’s been an incredible experience to witness the traditions integral to the Austrian Christmas calendar. Indeed, I was surprised to hear that in the more Catholic areas of Austria and southern Germany it is baby Jesus himself, rather than Father Christmas, who is believed to deliver the presents. Given that in the UK we have a hard enough time trying to convince children that a fully-functioning adult, equipped with a sleigh and elves, does the job, I very much pity Austrian parents. However, I suppose that this aspect of winter festivities, as with Krampus’ hard-to-forget role in the run-up, says a great deal about the surreal aspects of Christmas here, and the significant mix of pagan traditions with the country’s relatively more recent Christianity.

The auto-revolution

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Let’s not delude ourselves—the robots are coming, and nobody is truly safe.

Today, robots aren’t all that impressive. They’re expensive, prone to breakdown, and often require teams of skilled professionals to ensure their smooth operation—particularly in industrial settings. It would, however, be madness to argue that this will never change.

Technology improves all the time, especially where economics provides a huge incentive for innovation. Start up costs aside, automated production is cheaper than employing human beings. Robots don’t need to sleep, or eat, and they don’t get sick; they don’t make mistakes (well, not as often as humans), require holiday pay, or set up pesky trade unions.

The capitalist dream of a perfect, compliant, workforce is on the horizon; and while there are always weaknesses in long term economic speculation, there can be no doubt that a massive proportion of jobs (with estimates ranging from 35-50% in the next couple of decades beginning with the lowest skilled and most repetitive), will be entirely replaceable. It is not a question of if but when.

This isn’t something contained to manual labour either. Improvements in AI, in conjunction with the growing presence of bots (as has already been seen on the stock market), will undoubtedly gnaw away at white-collar employment as time goes on. We are on the cusp of a massive structural change to the economy – and we are not even close to being prepared.

Even now, the silent rise of the automation is happening. Robots are used in factories, warehouses, and perhaps most noticeably in the transport sector. Driverless cars have already clocked hundreds of thousands of miles on the world’s roads, driverless railways have sprung up, and as the recent Southern strike shows, the era of the guard on commuter services is drawing to a close—all thanks to new technology.

This phenomenon is of course not new. Stone working was superseded by bronze, workshop manufacture replaced by mass industrial production, and the horse-drawn cart by the power of internal combustion—but the scale of this is different. Despite the cheeriness of Deloitte’s “From Brawn to Brains” report, in which they noted that while lots of jobs have vanished, more (and on average better paid) jobs have been created, we are only at the very tip of the automation iceberg. Within our lifetimes, technology will cease to augment modern work and begin to entirely replace it.

But then what? To what are economies supposed to turn? In a future that is far too close for comfort, policy makers are going to have to devise solutions to an unprecedented problem: how do we ensure growth and good living standards in an economy where a significant proportion of the workforce (if not most of it) is not just unemployed but fundamentally unemployable?

The first instinct, as seems to be the pattern of 2016, will be to fight. For unions, political parties, and populist movements (as has been seen on issues such as migration) the natural response will be to pull up the drawbridge and banish the automatons to protect jobs; but the historical precedent and nature of the world economy will not make this easy. Take manufacturing, a sector not only quite vulnerable to automation but also responsible for 44 per cent of UK exports. Even if Britain, in the name of protecting livelihoods, put legislative constraints on the use of automation, there is no guarantee that any other nation would. In fact, it would be in their interests not to. The free market would render British manufacturing totally impotent and uncompetitive as other nations automated; decimating the industry we were trying to protect.

While this is just one example, it is clear that in the long term there can be no hiding from the auto-revolution and the mass unemployment it will inevitably create. How the unemployable workforce is supposed to house itself, eat, and ultimately live happily in an economically sustainable way will be perhaps the greatest question for a generation of policy makers. Right now, massive state intervention seems to be the only realistic option. But from where this will be funded is of course less clear. Businesses too must expect to be squeezed, not only by the pressures of taxation but equally by the inevitable falls in consumption increasing unemployment will bring. The interdependent nature of our economic system makes the rise of automation a universal headache.

But beyond economics, perhaps the greatest question is a philosophical one. In a world where a great many have become totally state dependent, have no profession as a source of fulfilment or pride, and have incomes that will fund little more than their basic needs, what value is there to the system? And more directly—what are those who have been left out in the cold to do with their lives?

In the case of the latter, any notion of welfare on the condition of constant pursuit of work will have to be abandoned. The former is much more complex. To use an overused adjective, our economic system is ultimately a construct, and the society of the future will be forced to decide whether it is a construct that needs to be altered to meet the challenges of the age.

Some may argue that time has already been and gone; that particularly in the cases of Trump and Brexit we are already seeing what happens when large sections of the population feel left behind—but the economic realities of the present do not compare. Nowhere in the western world has truly experienced the entrenched, long term, and seemingly insurmountable structural unemployment that is to come.

This is a depressing topic, but sadly it’s an unavoidable one. The forces that dictate the path of the free market and its drive to ever greater efficiency will bring the automatons whether we like it or not—and these forces are already at play. Some comfort can be taken in the knowledge that this silent revolution will not happen overnight, but it would be foolish not to prepare. The sooner we begin to grapple with this challenge the easier the transition will be.

After all, the robots are coming.

Vacation blues: what to read when you’re missing Oxford

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My first week at home was bliss; my own bed, a warm fire, home cooking, old friends. But round about now, two weeks into vacation, it all becomes a bit stale. Mum asking a million questions about your plans to go out, extended family forever asking, “How’s uni going?” – not to mention the inconvenient detail that you need to walk more than 15 minutes to get to your nearest pub, club, restaurant, library and Tesco. In short, we begin to miss Oxford. But how to return to the beauty of the dreaming spires when your college is probably renting your room out for conferences? Aside from taking patriotic refuge in the varsity meme war, there have been so many books written about and set in Oxford that you needn’t buy a train ticket. We all know the obvious ones; Brideshead Revisited, Inspector Morse, His Dark Materials, but here are some other literary treats I’ve enjoyed to remind you of the beauty (and insanity) of Oxford.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, J.K. Rowling

Oxford isn’t Hogwarts, as much as we wish it was. But even if you don’t go to Christ Church, re-reading Harry Potter as an Oxford student certainly introduces some parallels. The acceptance letter arriving in the post, being planted in a totally new and strange world, getting used to the lingo, your first formal hall. J.K. Rowling’s first novel will bring back all the ups and downs of your first term.

Testament of Youth, Vera Brittain

I know this is a huge English student faux pas, but I was drawn to this book after seeing the film a few years ago (and crying intermittently for several weeks). It’s a wonderful and heartbreaking true story of a girl from a provincial family who decides (much to her father’s horror) to apply to Oxford. The book tells of her acceptance and arrival at Oxford on the eve of the First World War. She finds and loses love, drops out to work as a nurse on the front line, and loses so many male friends from Oxford. Full of tenacity, bravery and perseverance, Vera became a role model to me (and made my decision to apply to Oxford over Cambridge).

Jude the Obscure, Thomas Hardy

Granted, this book doesn’t have festive cheer written all over it. The story of an Oxford hopeful, Jude, and his failed attempts to penetrate the elitism that looks down at his self-taught education, and his cousin-lover Sue, does not lift the spirits. However, it gives an outsider’s view of the city, and the perspective of someone who lives and works there (yes, people live in Oxford who aren’t students). What’s more, you’ll have great fun trying to identify the different pubs and buildings that Jude describes. If you read the Penguin edition, the notes will tell you (who knew that Jude’s reunion with Arabella took place in Turf Tavern?!).

Your vacation reading list

It has to be done, and it will remind you why you were so ready to come home after eight weeks. Trawling through Ulysses and remembering you’ll need to write an essay on it next term is enough to make anyone put up with anxious mothers, nosey grandparents, and the competitive undertone amongst your school friends as you all gush about how fantastic uni has been. Good luck getting through it and having time to read any of the aforementioned novels!