Tuesday 12th May 2026
Blog Page 831

New strike dates announced as UCU members consider deal

Greg Ritchie
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New strike dates announced as UCU members consider deal

The University and College Union (UCU) have announced that members will be balloted next week on whether they accept the latest proposal from UniversitIes UK (UUK), as new strike dates impacting Oxford are announced.

Ten members of UCU’s higher education committee voted to put the deal to ballot, with eight opposed and one abstention. Cherwell understands this went against the views of many union branches, who pushed instead for the offer to be revised.

The announcement comes as the UCU plans for further strike action at 13 universities including Oxford, which could disrupt teaching and administration at the beginning of Trinity.

Representatives from UCU’s university branches and the union’s higher education committee met earlier today to discuss last week’s proposed deal from UUK.

UUK’s main proposal was the creation of a “Joint Expert Panel”, comprised of actuarial and academic experts nominated in equal numbers from both UCU and UUK. It is hoped that the panel would agree to the key principles which underpin the future joint approach of UUK and UCU to the valuation of the Universities Superannuation Scheme (USS) fund.

After seeking some clarification on the proposed deal, including that the defined benefit element of the scheme would be maintained while a joint-expert panel considers the valuation of the USS fund, the UCU committee voted to put the proposal to members in a ballot scheduled for next week.

When consulted this week, many UCU branches expressed that they did not wish the proposal to go to ballot in its current form. Instead, they voted in favour of going back to UUK and asking them to revise their offer, with the hashtag #ReviseandResubmit proving popular amongst members.

Oxford UCU said that they received 171 responses to their consultation. While 23 members were outright against UUK’s offer, 95 supported it and a further 19 supported the offer “with qualifications”. Additionally, 34 members were categorised as either having “queries about offer”, believing the “offer needs to go further”, or were deemed to be “undecided”.

UCU general secretary, Sally Hunt, said: “These latest proposals were won by the solid action of UCU members and now is the time for them to have their say on what happens next.”

Chief Executive of Universities UK, Alistair Jarvis, confirmed to UCU in a letter this morning that UUK was “committed to maintaining a meaningful Defined Benefit scheme”, quelling the doubts of many union members and negotiators.

However, he added: “Longer term we would like to work jointly with UCU to consider other risk sharing alternatives.”

In addition to the announcement of the ballot, UCU also confirmed there will be further strike dates in April, impacting 13 universities. Oxford is one of those affected, with five days of strikes covering 0th week of Trinity term due to occur if an agreement is not made.

UCU said if the dispute was not resolved there would be action targeted to hit teaching and the exam and assessment period at all 65 universities, to be confirmed at a later date. According to an official statement, the amount of strike dates an institution would face during the exam period “would depend on any earlier action taken in April and aimed at teaching.”

This suggests that if an agreement between UUK and UCU is not made before the exam season, Oxford would be hit with comparatively less industrial action than many other universities, due to the announced strike dates covering 0th week Trinity.

UUK said in a statement: “Today’s decisions will lead to union members being consulted on whether to support the establishment of the Joint Expert Panel. This panel will help to build confidence in the valuation process and assumptions.

“It will also give time to pause, to reflect and to rebuild the trust that has been damaged over the past few months.

“Employers have indicated their support for this proposal, however, this is conditional on the suspension of industrial action. We expect the union to provide urgent clarity on the action planned for the week of the 16th April. Suspension of this action would be a huge relief to students ahead of the main examination period.”

Oxford UCU have been contacted for comment.

Oxford bottom for offers to students from poor neighbourhoods

Ryan Gould
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Oxford bottom for offers to students from poor neighbourhoods

Oxford accepted fewer applications from poor neighbourhoods in the 2017-18 academic year than any other mainstream institution, according to the Higher Education Statistics Agency.

Just 2.8 per cent of the University’s intake were from students who live in areas classified as the most difficult to engage in higher education. Cambridge accepted 3 per cent of students from these areas, while University College London accepted 3.2 per cent and Durham University 4.2 per cent.

The statistics come as universities are being pressured to increase the number of students from poorer backgrounds. Oxford spends £7 million on “outreach” programmes, which include visiting schools whose students never apply and the hosting of summer schools.

Durham, for instance, runs a summer school with the Sutton Trust, which is “designed to give bright students from non-privileged homes the opportunity to experience what it is like to be a student at a leading university.”

Lee Eliot Major, chief executive of the Sutton Trust, told The Times it was “seriously depressing” that so few students at Oxford represent the poorest neighbourhoods, calling for a re-evaluation of university outreach strategies.

“We need a radical change to shift this. Universities have to give poorer kids a break. This means taking their social background into account in the admissions process,” Major said.

David Lammy, Labour MP for Tottenham and prominent campaigner for equality in the higher education system, lamented the statistics in a tweet this morning.

A University spokesperson said in a statement that, this year, “for the first time, candidates from the most disadvantaged backgrounds are more successful at getting offers from Oxford when they apply than their more advantaged peers.”

The statistics also show that Oxford performed poorly in the proportion of state school pupils accepted to study here. 58 per cent of students are from state schools, compared to 62.6 per cent at Cambridge.

Shakira Martin re-elected as NUS president

Fred Dimbleby
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Shakira Martin re-elected as NUS president

Shakira Martin has been re-elected as president of the National Union of Students (NUS) in a landslide victory.

Martin won the contest in the first round with 50.9% of the vote beating Sahaya James and Momin Saqib at the annual NUS conference in Glasgow.

Martin was seen as a politically centrist candidate in the election and her victory appears to show the continued dominance of the centre in the NUS.

In her manifesto, she said: “When I was struggling I made a choice. I went back to college – a way back to work and independence and away from crime and abusive relationships.

“I want my daughters to realise the value of education – enabling them to be the leaders and entrepreneurs of the future.”

Her left-wing opponent, Sahaya James, who is a member of Momentum’s national executive, fared less well only achieving 15% of the vote.

Momin Saqib, the president of King’s College London (KCL) students’ union came second with 24.3% of the vote.

Martin’s election follows a period of controversy for the president. She was recently involved in accusations of bullying within in the NUS, which she denied.

Martin said: “I’m so humbled to have been re-elected”.

“I’m honestly shocked I ever made it here in the first place, and I’m so thankful to everyone in the student movement who has supported me,” she said.

“Now it’s time for our movement to get real on student issues, as well as to be honest about ourselves. I’m so excited to work with my next national officer team to create a truly united NUS, fit for tomorrow and fit for the future.”

Martin was first elected as NUS president last year and was previously the vice president for further education.

The election victory followed a tense day at the NUS conference with some delegates taking part in a sit-in on the stage over a motion supporting the decriminalisation of sex work.

Shazia Mirza: ‘I don’t think about the audience anymore. I just go ahead and do it.’

Izzy Troth
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Shazia Mirza: ‘I don’t think about the audience anymore. I just go ahead and do it.’

It is difficult to know where to begin when preparing questions for an individual as impressive as Shazia Mirza, in terms of her life experience – a Biochemistry graduate, she embarked on a teaching career in Dagenham, before becoming a journalist and comedian. Her output is prolific, with material ranging from extremism to body hair. More recently, she survived ‘Celebrity Island with Bear Grylls’, during which she memorably led fellow islanders to a water source. With such a list of reference points, what is her current show, ‘With Love from St Tropez’, about?

“I started to write this show in Edinburgh, but it’s changed since then. It’s really about the state of the world. Trump, Brexit, being on a beach in St Tropez, a bit about the Periodic Table.” We perhaps expect comedians in 2018 to fill their shows with zeitgeisty references to the topics dominating public discourse. Brexit, Trump, fake news – these are themes so monolithic, so demanding of a response from the arts, that audiences may be weary after months of exposure to wry political ruminations destined for perpetual re-runs on Dave. But Mirza built her reputation in the noughties, before we had such stringently politically engagé expectations of comics. Yet back then, an era now perceived by media outlets as a simpler time, Mirza’s work had an edge. Watching back clips of her stand-up from the period, her content has not become dated, cliché or uncomfortable to watch in the way that much noughties comedy now has. In an appearance at Winnipeg Comedy Festival in 2009, Mirza jokes about a US journalist asking her the serious question of whether she’d ever considered ‘being a suicide bomber’. “Well, if the comedy doesn’t work out…” is Mirza’s deadpan response.

Reviewers herald her subject matter as ‘brave’. The current climate is something of a gift, then, for a comic like Mirza. Yet, she tells me, referring to Trump and Brexit, “I’ve never spoken about these things before.” These themes “relate to everybody. It’s happening now.” We are watching a show developed in real-time.

I ask if there’s now a pressure to include the political material, where in the past it would seem natural for her to include. Mirza denies this, describing her writing process as determinedly ‘observational’. It is personal, almost organic. “I listen to people’s conversations.” She adds: “Women are in fashion, women’s marches. I think of all these ‘big’ topics and I think, I wonder what’s my point of view? Once I’ve got my point of view, then I can do jokes about it, because until you know what you think about something, you can’t really be clear about doing jokes…I don’t think about the audience anymore, actually,” she reveals. “I just go ahead and do it.”

This fearlessness was reflected in her last stand-up tour, ‘The Kardashians Made Me Do It’. Disappointingly for many, this show was not primarily concern the Kardashians. It did, however, provide ample material for debate in its discussion of the motivations of ‘Jihadi-brides’, with Mirza defending her creative choices on national television. We are no doubt all familiar with certain media outlets bemoaning how students are quivering snowflakes who react adversely to any hint of the polemic, so I’m interested in whether Mirza has noticed any significant changes in how audiences receive her comedy, even after the declaration that she does not consider her audience in the writing process. Has she become more censorious? Or has the supposedly more sensitive atmosphere become a tempting one, daring her to be more provocative for greater effect?

“I know it’s fashionable to be offended…some people on other people’s behalf, some people are offended because other people are not offended enough. I just think about what I want to say, what I think is funny, and I just go ahead and do it. If I thought too much about how people are going to react, and who’s going to be offended, I don’t think I could really do a true piece of work.”

Perhaps then we can take the comments concerning a ‘true piece of work’ as Mirza’s advice for aspiring student stand-ups, but Mirza did not begin her comedy career when she was at Manchester University. When I ask whether her degree has helped her with comedy, I get a flat ‘no’. In retrospect, I’m not really sure why I thought a degree in Biochemistry could have any relevance to stand-up. Yet it did lead to Mirza’s teaching career. Teaching was never an ambition; she entered the profession “not knowing what else to do.” It was in an inner city comprehensive that she realised “how hard it was.” Mirza is not the only comedian to have begun their professional career in the classroom; ‘The Inbetweeners’ and ‘Cuckoo’ star Greg Davies also left teaching for comedy. Why the trend in this particular career move? What is the logic behind such a drastic decision?

“It provided me with material,” she reflects. Teaching also gave her resilience. “There’s no difference, really, between being a stand-up comedian and a teacher. It’s the same thing. I used to teach sixteen-year-old boys. They’d stand at the front and say: “This is shit. When is it going to end?” I’ve never done a gig where people have stood up at the beginning and gone “God, this is shit, when is it going to end?”. So, I think I’ve had the best training. Nobody’s ever tried to throw a chair at me while I’m on stage. Or locked me in the broom cupboard. So, I think comedy is a lot easier.”

I conclude that Mirza wouldn’t recommend teaching as a career. “No, I would,” she answers surprisingly. “But…at 21, I had two degrees, I had all the knowledge, but I had no stories to tell these kids. I couldn’t relate to them.” I half-jokingly ask if she’d ever go back to teaching. “You know, I might go back… I do like to educate people. But I love travelling the world, I love being creative.” As she underlines, her current life is not that different. Her time as a teacher demanded her to be constantly onstage. “The lessons were one hour long! I mean, in comedy, it’s only twenty minutes!”

Classroom career aside, what influenced Mirza’s observational style? Her home city, Birmingham, offered something of an apprenticeship in her trademark observational style. Mirza remains attached to her home: “It’s where I was born, where I grew up. I go back, and I go down the road where I was brought up, and it seems like such a long way, from where I was then, to now.” Television was a source of inspiration, with comedians like Richard Pryor and Robin Williams lingering in Mirza’s memory. In 1975, Pryor entitled an album: ‘…Is it Something I Said?’, which is a phrase that you can easily imagine framing Mirza’s material. Closer to home, she cites Julie Walters and Victoria Wood as comedic reference points. ‘Acorn Antiques’, the brilliant soap opera parody set in the eponymous shop, was filmed in Birmingham. “My mother used to drive past that shop as she’d pick me up from school. They’d be filming outside of there. It just seemed like such a different world to how I was brought up.”

This is now a world that Mirza inhabits; the result of the utilisation of her life experience and watching the world around her. More than once in the interview, she reiterates the opportunities for travel brought by her career in comedy. “You meet lots of different people, you have lots of different audiences. It changes your mind on certain things.” The opinions Mirza forms forms along the way clearly enrich her comedy. One constant from university to the stage seems to be the Periodic Table, so maybe brush up on that before her latest show.

Shazia Mirza will be performing ‘With Love from St Tropez’ in Oxford at the Old Fire Station on Friday 6th April.

Twickenham extends Varsity agreement

TJ Fitzgerald
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Twickenham extends Varsity agreement

A new four-year deal has been agreed between the Varsity Match and the Rugby Football Union, meaning that the women’s and men’s fixtures between Oxford and Cambridge Universities will continue to be played at Twickenham until at least 2021.

The new deal will run between 2018 and 2021 and so will oversee a series of key years for both clubs and the fixtures. The deal won’t just cover the anniversary match itself, but also the 30th anniversary of the Women’s Varsity Match, the 150th anniversary of Oxford University Rugby Football Club, the 150th anniversary of Cambridge University Rugby Union Football Club too.

The Men’s Varsity Match has been played there since 1921, with Cambridge currently leading Oxford 63-59 overall (with 14 games drawn). The women’s match has been played since 1988 and hosted at the national stadium since 2015, with Oxford currently leading 19-12. The game is one of the world’s longest running sports fixtures between the two universities, and has become one of the biggest domestic rugby matches in the UK.

Oxford Women’s Blues captain, Abby D’Cruz, said: “The Varsity Matches represents a great tradition in the historic rivalry between Oxford and Cambridge.

“The news that we have secured their place at the home of English Rugby for the significant years to come, including the 150th anniversary of OURFC in 2019 and the 30th anniversary of the Women’s Varsity match this year, is incredibly exciting for everyone at the club and a great motivator to represent Oxford on one of the most hallowed turfs in world rugby.”

Men’s captain, Dominic Waldouck, told Cherwell: “Some of my earliest rugby memories are watching The Varsity game. For me, Twickenham represents the home of Varsity, so it’s great to hear the contract has been extended.”

In 2017, Cambridge won both games, with scores of 24-0 and 20-10 in the women’s and men’s games respectively. The men’s result meant the Light Blues secured back-to-back Varsity victories for the first time in a decade.

Oxford student who stabbed boyfriend has appeal refused

Oscar Baker
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Oxford student who stabbed boyfriend has appeal refused

An Oxford University student who stabbed her boyfriend has had an appeal against her sentence refused.

Lavinia Woodward, a Christ Church medical student, was convicted of the December 2016 attack in September last year, but has not served time in prison.

The 24-year old’s permission to appeal was denied by a judge at the Court of Appeal, following Woodward’s earlier trial at Oxford Crown Court.

Last year, Judge Ian Pringle QC gave Woodward a ten month sentence, suspended for 18 months, for unlawful wounding.

Woodward drunkenly stabbed her boyfriend of the time in the leg with a bread knife.

In the initial trial, Pringle stated: “It seems to me that if this was a one-off, a complete one-off, to prevent this extraordinarily young lady from not following her long held desire to enter the profession she wishes to would be a sentence which would be too severe.”

Such comments led to accusations of judicial leniency and inequality. Woodward was branded by some as “too clever” for prison.

The chief executive of the Kingston Race and Inequalities Council, John Azah, told The Daily Telegraph at the time: “If she wasn’t Oxford-educated, if she came from a deprived area, I don’t think she would have got the same sentence and been allowed to walk free.”

Woodward, an aspiring heart surgeon, has voluntarily suspended studies at Oxford, but could still return. She has also attended a drug and alcohol clinic.

Pringle also stated at Woodward’s trial: “You have demonstrated over the last nine months that you are determined to rid yourself of your alcohol and drug addiction and have undergone extensive treatment including counselling to address the many issues that you face.”

Complaints against Judge Ian Pringle were dismissed since they did not concern personal conduct.

OULC slam Labour’s ‘consistently inadequate’ responses to anti-semitism

Eve Webster
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OULC slam Labour’s ‘consistently inadequate’ responses to anti-semitism

The Oxford University Labour Club (OULC) have labelled Jeremy Corbyn’s apology regarding allegations of anti-semitism as insufficient, adding to the growing number of voices pushing for a stronger response from the Labour leader.

Corbyn’s statement, issued earlier this week, followed accusations made against both the Labour Party and Corbyn himself by the Jewish Leadership Council.

Corbyn claimed that he “will never be anything other than a militant opponent of anti-Semitism,” yet also criticised what he called “the continuing dispossession of the Palestinian people.”

While OULC “welcomed” Corbyn’s apology, they stressed that they did not view it to be “a sufficient response.”

The statement, written by the club co-chairs Ray Williams and Anisha Faruk, calls on him to “reflect thoroughly on his own actions as well as to apologise for the party’s consistently inadequate response to internal antisemitism.”

“We recognise that we all need to more to raise our awareness against antisemitism, malicious or subconscious, and press the Labour leadership to take stronger action to tackle it within the party.

“If we fail to respond robustly to hatred and bigotry we betray our fundamental Labour values of solidarity, tolerance and respect.

“It must never be forgotten that Jewish people are, and always have been, an integral part of the Labour movement”

The statement also made reference to OULC’s past issues with anti-semitism, stating that: “Our club has tried to learn from its mistakes and so must our party. We will continue to do all that we can to make sure that the Club remains a friendly and safe environment.”

Former OULC co-chair, Alex Chalmers, resigned in 2016 in response to a considerable number of members having what he described as “some sort of problem with Jews”.

He said that this was shown through their endorsement of Israeli Apartheid Week, use of anti-semitic language, and expressions of sympathy with Hamas and other anti-semitic terrorist groups.

This led to an investigation into alleged anti-Jewish sentiments in the club. The report concluded that while the club does not appear to be “institutionally anti-Semitic, behaviour and language that would once have been intolerable is now tolerated.”

In response to OULC’s statement, Oxford University Jewish Society (JSoc) president, Jacob Greenhouse, told Cherwell: “JSoc are very impressed with the OULC statement and are happy to see that OULC are committed to working with us and with the Labour movement to help confront antisemitism.”

University ‘confident’ exams will be unaffected as external examiner resignations mount

Ryan Gould
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University ‘confident’ exams will be unaffected as external examiner resignations mount

Oxford has said that it is confident examinations will go ahead as scheduled next term, despite the mounting resignations of almost 700 external examiners nationwide.

External examiners across the country have been encouraged by the University and College Union (UCU) to resign from their posts at the 65 universities hit by strike action, including Oxford.

The move is designed to cause maximum disruption to the upcoming summer examination period, which could lead to the postponement of exams and students being unable to graduate on time.

The University said in a statement that it “usually makes around 600 external examination appointments each year. We have a process for the replacement of examiners who are not taking up appointments, whether through ill health or resignation.”

“We are confident that all exams can go ahead as scheduled next term,” it said.

The UCU has encouraged external examiners who have resigned from their post to fill in an online spreadsheet, which details their employing institution and examining role.

According to the spreadsheet, 20 examiners have resigned from their duties with Oxford, with six of the 20 being linked to the Faculty of English Language and Literature.

Professor Ros Ballaster, Chair of the English Faculty Board, told Cherwell: “Typically we require eight external examiners each year to complete assessment of our undergraduate and postgraduate degrees in English language and literature.”

“Without the contribution of external examiners we cannot complete our examining process. The timetable for submission and internal assessment should be able to continue as planned.

“We sincerely hope that the dispute will be resolved satisfactorily and in a timely fashion.”

One external examiner, who recently resigned from their duties with the English Faculty, told Cherwell that external examining “is work that is not very well paid for the amount of time that it takes up. It is largely done for reasons of goodwill and collegiality – the kinds of things which Universities UK (UUK) and intransigent vice-chancellors are risking in this action.”

In their resignation letter, the examiner wrote: “I have been honoured to serve in this capacity, and to see the tremendous work undertaken by Oxford undergraduates, Faculty members and teachers.

“However, the currently proposed changes to the terms of our working conditions will do more damage to them than anything that I have witnessed in my twenty years working in HE,” they continued.

“It is clear to me, as it is to so many in our profession, that UUK are conspicuously failing in their duty to represent the best interests of vice-chancellors, of universities, and of the people who work in them.”

As is common practice, Oxford appoints examiners from other universities to their examination boards to standardise assessments across the country.

Through agreeing to set questions, moderating exam results, and ensuring that assessment procedures are rigorous, Oxford’s guidance documents explain that they ensure “the soundness of the procedures used to reach final agreed marks”.

UCU branch representatives are set to meet at 11am to discuss members’ feedback on the latest UUK proposal – put forward last Friday – aimed at resolving the dispute.

The proposed deal includes the formation of a “Joint Expert Panel, comprised of actuarial and academic experts nominated in equal numbers from both sides,” which will seek “to agree key principles to underpin the future joint approach of UUK and UCU to the valuation of the USS (Universities Superannuation Scheme) fund.”

Under the proposal, the current defined benefit scheme will remain in place until at least April 2019.

UCU general secretary, Sally Hunt, said in a letter to members: “We have worked hard to gain these concessions, but they were won on the back of the strike action that so many of you have taken.

“As always it will be for members to decide whether what has been achieved is sufficient to suspend our strike action.”

Oxford reveals gender pay gap

Fred Dimbleby
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Oxford reveals gender pay gap

Oxford University has revealed it has a mean gender pay gap of 24.5%, which is higher than the national average.

The median pay gap shows a 13.7% disparity between pay for male and female staff members. The figures also show that 82% of staff earning over £100,000 are men.

It was further revealed that although more women than men are employed by the University, there is a mean bonus pay gap of 79%.

The University has blamed the gap on the lack of women in senior roles and has committed to increasing the representation of women across the institution.

Vice chancellor, Louise Richardson, said: “We are pleased to publish our data on gender equality. It is one important way of maintaining momentum and ensuring accountability.

“The lack of women occupying senior roles in universities remains a challenge to the Higher Education sector. Oxford, while an exceptional institution, is no exception when it comes to gender equality.

“We continue to work, however, with enthusiasm, energy and determination to address the considerable imbalance.”

The release follows a change in the law which now requires employers of more than 250 people to calculate and publish their annual gender pay gaps.

The largest imbalance was in the upper quartile of pay where men outnumbered women by 25.6%. The opposite was true of lower quartile of pay where women outnumbered men by 30.2%.

The median gap, which is viewed as a more reliable figure, fell below the national average.

The pro vice chancellor and University advocate for equality & diversity, Dr Rebecca Surender, said: “While it’s encouraging that our median gender pay gap is lower than the national average, we are not complacent and we recognise our need to continue to enable workplace gender equality across the University.

“We are committed to achieving one third representation of women across University leadership roles and on selection committees, and for women to comprise a minimum of 30% of Council and each of its main committees.

“Although there is a more work for us all to do, the University is clear that achieving gender equality is a key priority and we are committed to working to make this a reality.”

The data only covers University staff with Colleges expected to publish their own figures. Few colleges have released these statistics with Balliol College and Keble College showing the highest mean pay gaps with 16.2% and 18.5% respectively.

New College has also published its calculations showing a median gap of 24.3% and a mean of 12.6%.

Let’s Talk About: Drunk Texts

Katie Sayer
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Let’s Talk About: Drunk Texts

We’ve all been there: You wake up after a night out and something is missing. Could it be your keys? No, you needed them to get in. Could it be your ID? No, it’s on your bedside table. Could it be your phone? No. You’ve realised what it is. It’s your dignity.

It hits you slowly that, for the 10th night in a row, you’ve returned from some appropriately indie night at the Bully (or if we’re being truthful, Fever), with some appropriately worthy post night-out snack (or if we’re being truthful, Hassan’s) and instead of getting 8 hours of beauty sleep, ready to smash a day of productivity in the dreaming spires of the best university in the world, you have instead stayed up until 4am, texting a consort who probably studies philosophy (or if we’re being truthful, ex-consort) about how you can’t sleep and your feelings for hummus falafel wraps.

It hits you that, not only have you lost all your dignity in proclaiming that “ur gr9 c u in seminarrrr x”, but you’ve also become a fuck girl. This is the phenomenon I like to call ‘DTF’ – ‘drunk texting fiasco’.

The repercussions of a DTF can be hard to limit. Will your tute partner mind about the drunken Facebook message that says only ‘Hegel’ with 12 skiing emojis? Will your best friend’s boyfriend appreciate being told that “u shld get me a valentnes present to as I am half ur relationshi and draft most sexts u recive”? Will your tutor mind that you’ve drunkenly endorsed them for ‘banter’ on LinkedIn? Very probably.

You have several options in this situation. The first, and most obvious, is to blame it all on a malevolent twin. The second, and most 2012 of the options, is the classic “haha omg my friend sent that I’m so embarrassed ofc I’m not in love with you what omg”. The third, and least likely, is to try and accept what your subconscious is showing you, and confront the issues that your drunken frenzy has brought to a head.

There’s a maxim that ‘drunk words are sober thoughts’. But when your drunk words are ‘shout dijon site that tigre’, this becomes slightly harder to fully comprehend. So, should we be attempting to curb our drunken instincts? For the sake of dignity, the answer is obviously that alcohol and texting should be kept as far apart as Disco Stus and people with good taste. But in terms of what our drunk texting tells us about ourselves, I think we need to embrace these messy, paltry, and often overly emotional aspects of our inner selves.

If gin makes you cry about your ex, that isn’t entirely the fault of gin. If you tell everyone how worried you are about failing your degree after a Balliol Blue, that isn’t entirely the fault of the Balliol Blue. Perhaps it is the stress of being at Oxford. It is totally normal to supress an emotional response to something because you have a deadline, and you haven’t got time to keep on top of your work, train for a sport, and still get 8 hours every night.

We rarely give air time or precedence to our wellbeing. It is when drunk that these basic doubts materialise, and if your drunk self is telling you that you need to confront an issue, that’s rarely just Dutch courage talking.

Freud spoke of the id, the ego, and the superego. What I think would be more accurate would be the id, the ego, and the alterego you develop after tequila, who is an amplified version of your ego (more excited, more sociable) but motivated by the thoughts your id supresses.

This isn’t to say that you’re not being a total fuck girl when you text your hot neighbour with “u up?” at 3am, or that you shouldn’t panic if you wake up and see that you sent a snapchat you have literally no recollection of that has been opened and not responded to. But if your friend is crying about imposter syndrome after a night out, don’t accept their downplaying excuse of ‘drunken chat’. Our drunk selves may be more prone to vomiting and may be tasteless and debauched versions of our normal selves, but they are still worth listening to. That is unless your drunk self is telling you to go to Disco Stu’s. Then that really is just drunk chat.

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