GBBO‘s curious appeal lies in its predictability. As fans of the Bake Off (of whom I am among the most fervent) all know, the final three contestants always fit into three categories: (1) The clinically accurate and fiercely competitiveone (Brendan this year). This contestant has been waiting their entire life for this moment, and spent the six months prior to the contest locked in their kitchen frantically turning out batch after batch of macaroons.They put on a friendly face for but you can tell they’re dying to ram their sugar thermometer down the other bakers’ throats. Their cakes and pies, though technically flawless,always seem to lack that je ne sais quoi which marks out a real winner.

(2) The brilliant but erratic one (James).This is usually a student or young professional who filled out the entry form as a bet when paralytically drunk but turns out to be brilliant. Rather than prepare for each round they just throw together as unlikely a combination of ingredients as they can think of, chuck the whole lot in the oven, and then look gormlessly surprised when Paul and Mary fawn over their veal, passionfruit and engine oil flavoured quiche.Unlike (1) this contestant is hideously unreliable and is usually the one standing sheepishly behind the table after the “technical challenge”with a pool of curdled sick where their Crème Caramel is supposed to be.

(3) The clumsy one who comes through at the end (John). This contestant goes unnoticed for the first two-thirds of the competition; indeed, the only reason anyone remembered John was for the hilarious moment where he managed to cut half his finger off during pastry week and had to abandon his blood-soaked strudel and go to hospital. But as the contest progresses this contestant goes on a ‘journey’ and ends up winning. Sure enough, this week, Brendan’s hideously cutesie heart-shaped monstrosity was deemed good but not great by the judges, James was having an offday and baked five bulbous sponges the texture of playdough, and John sneakily carried off the prize with his sinister Heaven vs Hell cake.

Despite its predictability, l will miss sitting hungrily in front of the TV on a Tuesday night, watching Mary and Paul’s good-cop/bad-cop routine. I’ll even miss Mel and Sue wandering round the tent shovelling the spare cupcakes into their mouths, not to mention the curious history lesson that accompanies each episode, where an aged ‘food historian’ (perhaps my dream job) takes the viewer through the invention of Eccles Cakes or Cornish Pasties. I’m not looking forward to the long and tortuous (or torte-uous…) wait till next series.

If you’re feeling…

Jaded 

Skyfall

Bond is back and if you haven’t peed yourself with excitement then there’s something wrong with you. Daniel Craig will return in order to face offagainst Javier Bardem’s super villain. Expect a sexy French femme fatale and lots of men running around in neatly tailored suits. Q is also returning in the considerably sexier form of Ben Whishaw (unless you had a thing for John Cleese). If this isn’t the most fun you have at the cinema this autumn, I’ll eat a copy of The OxStu.

Girls

Lena Dunham’s groundbreaking sitcom hits the UK this month and, if you haven’t already illegally streamed it, you’re in for a treat. Expect lots of conversations on the loo and some mildly paedophilic roleplaying. The series peaks in the middle (especially when you get the chance to see David Mamet’s18-year-old daughter on crack) and the ending is a tad disappointing, but, all things considered, this is the best thing on TV this autumn and you won’t regret watching it.

Serious

The Master

Paul Thomas Anderson’s follow-up to the classic There Will Be Blood sees Philip Seymour Hoffman playing a Ron Hubbardesque preacher who draws in Joaquin Phoenix’s impressionable and disturbed former soldier. This is going to be one of the big players in the awards season and you’ll seem incredibly culturally sophisticated if you try and seek out a cinema showing it in its preferred 70mm print. Make sure you’re in a mood where you’ll be tolerant to scientology parallels, otherwise you might find this exhausting.

Andrew Marr’s History of the World

Renowned broadcaster and philanderer Andrew Marr continues his epically self indulgent tour of world history which sees him standing on rocks, pontificating about global conflicts. If, for some reason, your degree isn’t boring enough, this should fill that void. And, if nothing else, it should help you realise that the documentaries section of iPlayer is probably not the place to spend your free time. 

Childish 

Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted

Yes, yes, we’re all far too old for these films, but with a Cannes première and pretty good reviews all round, this is probably the most socially acceptable cartoon you can watch this summer. Chris Rock, Ben Stiller, Jada Pinkett-Smith all return for another adventure where they take a whistle-stop tour through famous European landmarks. You’ll have to suspend your disbelief a little because, after all, these talking animals are definitely not from an EU member state.

Gossip Girl

There’s a new series of Gossip Girl, Upper Eastsiders, and we’re all secretly very, very excited about it. Rumour has it this will be the show’s last hurrah, so will the Blair/Chuck saga finally be solved? Will Serena stop being incredibly annoying now that she’s married to Ryan Reynolds? Will Dan finally have an interesting storyline? All this, and more, will be resolved over the next few weeks, so put your cynicism aside and get your Jimmy Choo’s on. XOXO. 

Stupid 

The Twilight Saga:Breaking Dawn Part Two

I am told that Part One of this book (so brilliant they had to cut it in two) was really gross, so who knows what sort of body horror will be in store for you in round two. At least we all know that this is the last time we’ll have to see this group of miserable, financially vampiric chunks of wood on the big screen and I think we’re all hoping that Robert Pattison and the wolf rip each other to pieces. The lines of screaming girls who’ll be at the cinema on opening night are inevitable.

Made in Chelsea

The Kensington set return for another season of irrelevant partner swapping and tedious conversations involving what happened on one of their insanely expensive holidays. If you want to watch an hour of over-privileged (and under-educated) twenty somethings jabbering on about the complexities of their vapid existences then you’ve probably got a copy of 50 Shades of Grey tucked away under your bed.

In 1984 a young and largely unknown filmmaker named Tim Burton wrote and directed a 30 minute short film called Frankenweenie, which charted the adventures of a boy who set about using his knowledge of science to try and revive his dead dog. 28 years, 16 films and an Oscar award later, Burton has revived his premise once more in an animated adventure following the young, gifted Victor Frankenstein and his beloved dog Sparky.

The film follows the same plot line, with the misanthropic Victor (voiced by Charlie Tahan, I am Legend) spending his days making films starring his only friend, Sparky. You and I both know what happens to Sparky, and you’ll see it coming, but this makes the period from death to re-life no less heart wrenching (I freely admit feeling a lump in my throat more than once). However, this is merely one way in which you will emotionally connect with the film, with Victor’s social awkwardness being both instantly relatable and likeable, while every viewer will appreciate the love between a pet and its owner.

Living alongside our hero in his hometown of New Holland are a beautifully caricatured cast that could only have come from our Tim, with characters ranging from the wide eyed “Weird Girl” and her psychic cat, to the creepy and sinister Edgar “E” Gore. Particular kudos should also be given to Martin Landau for his voicing of Mr.Rzykruski, Victor’s eccentric science teacher, whose scene stealing voice ranges from quiet lecturing to a booming theatrical performance in the blink of an oversized eye.

Burton-holics should however be warned of the limited use of Winona Ryder, giving life to Victor’s next door neighbour Elsa Van Helsing. The film marks the end of a 21 year gap of the actor-director combo that proved so successful with the widely acclaimed Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands. However, this seems like a good move from Burton, who would have otherwise risked drawing too much attention from the Victor-Spike dynamic; besides, what scenes of Elsa that we are treated to are deliciously enjoyable, with her voice perfectly pitched for her dryly comic lines.

The film itself is genuinely funny: I caught myself with a smile on my face within the first few scenes of the film, and openly laughing at others: these largely involving the living and un-dead antics of Spike which make the character even more loveable than you’d have thought. Thrown in there are also a number of popular culture references for adults, and some classic gags you’re going to appreciate whatever your age. 

Just as with its predecessors The Nightmare before Christmas and The Corpse Bride, our animated trip into Burton’s mind is brought to life with spectacular visuals; this is only further enhanced by the use of 3D, which rather than being used as a gimmick is subtly understated, bringing an extra dimension (sorry) to Dutchtown and its inhabitants.

Final verdict: This is Burton at his best: dark, twisted and uniquely comic, you can’t help but watch his take on the Frankenstein legend with a smile (and occasional grimace) on your face.

Have you ever read a book and wished a character was real? Or perhaps written about a character in a story with an ardent desire that this figment of your imagination would materialise in front of you? No, me neither. However, this is the dilemma which main character Calvin Weir-Fields faces in this film about love, funny times and break ups. Let me elucidate further: Calvin is a writer and in the midst of a crisis of writer’s block he begins writing about a fictitious character he names Ruby. This is all very well and classic-post-break-up except this character actually materialises in Calvin’s house. She cooks, speaks French and sings exactly as he imagined. As Chris Messina’s character Harry marvels: ‘You manifested a woman, in your mind!’ This gives rise to some great comic moments including our slightly panic-stricken writer hiding under his desk believing he has finally lost it. Once he pulls himself together Calvin ventures out with Ruby only to discover ‘She’s real!’ and from here on in the story starts to unravel somewhat. The problem is Calvin actually manages to control Ruby through his writing which is clearly impossible, so maybe it’s Calvin’s imagination? Yes, but other people see Ruby as well so it’s not altogether clear whether we are witnessing a random post-break-up notion of Calvin’s creation or we are actually following true events.

Although the idea is a good one and definitely helps to explore the tricky subject of relationships and whether it is truly possible to find the ideal partner, there is a roughness to the storyline which leaves it short of a nice streamlined finish. But there is a sense with this movie that it is not designed to be perfect. The quirky edge to it brought in bucket-loads by the directors of Little Miss Sunshine helps to carry it off and the comedy value of the ridiculous turn of events makes it worth a watch. Paul Dano (There Will Be Blood, Looper) puts in a solid performance as the awkward genius Calvin and the often overlooked Zoe Kazan (In the Valley of Elah, Fracture) shows some depth in a role which could have evolved from quirky and intriguing into annoying and whiny and not forgetting that she penned the story her very self.

The thing that makes this film worth seeing isn’t the slightly holey storyline but the way Kazan has created a relationship which many people can identify with whether it be in the early stages where the couple do ‘crazy’ things like jumping in swimming pools or the ‘disillusionment phase’ where Calvin starts to ‘rewrite’ Ruby or facing up to the pain of the break-up and the realisation that it’s not meant to be. It’s this slightly different take on real-life relationships which marks this film apart from other rom-com failures. This movie may be a bit disappointing in the plotline department however, it’s funny and it’s interesting and for those who’ve experienced complicated break-ups it will definitely ‘spark’ some recognition. 

3 STARS