Wednesday 25th June 2025
Blog Page 1641

Oxford Clubbing Guide

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Park End/Lava Ignite

Park End only really exists in your life in the first three weeks of your first term at Oxford. After a few weeks drunkenly stumbling around Oxford’s biggest club with all your exciting new friends, you’ll quickly find something better to do with your Wednesday nights. The depressing carpets make you feel like you’re on a P&O cruise, crossed with a failed neon rave where people think that by striping themselves in £2 glow paint or throwing on a Primark one-sie they’re somehow being wacky. It’s officially a night out for the university Blues teams, and so there are a high number of students making themselves feel extra-important by wearing their 2nd XI Hockey Tie in the hope it will get them a drunken fumble with a lonely girl come 3am.

The R’n’B room upstairs is the only bearable place to go in terms of music and clientele – but make sure you leave before the end so as not to get caught up in the sweaty tragedy of the Year 7 Disco songs on the cheese floor at the end, which will make you not want to wake up tomorrow. The night calls itself ‘FUBAR’, which supposedly stands for ‘f*cked up beyond all recognition’. Apparently  blues rugby players and the glee soundtrack is really fucking out there.

Babylove

A small bar/club off the High Street offers some hope to those people who can’t stand the monotony of VKs and Taio Cruz. The student DJs on the highly popular ‘Supermarket’ night on alternate Thursdays and ‘Action Stations’ on alternate Wednesdays provide a welcome mixture of Hip-hop and Reggae, which is otherwise hard to find.  While its small size lets it down, as you squeeze past people you can listen to them explain quite how many ‘The Doors’ vinyls they have and how this year’s Notting Hill Carnival ‘just wasn’t 2009’. Despite their strained attempts at strange costumes and avant-garde opinions, don’t be fooled; they probably study Chemistry at Merton and will ultimately be in PwC middle management by the age of 28.

Cellar

Undoubtedly the best club for music in Oxford (with the possible exception of the back room at the Bullingdon), the Cellar offers something different. It is a much more authentic venue, in terms of both music, crowd and décor, than all of the other clubs. While the Blues-playing VK-chugging Park Ender may look at you funny at daring to go to a club with real people in, this is undoubtedly the most under-appreciated of the Oxford clubs.

Bridge

Not many other clubs offer such an effective through-the-building circuit to pace around when you are furiously trying to find Benedict to tell him that you saw Agatha getting off with Humphrey. The darkness of the upstairs dancefloor is a self-haven for you and your partner when you run out of small talk after ‘What did you do for A-Levels?’. Bridge’s real facet however is its dustbin zone turned large smoking area outside. This area borders the smoking area to Anuba – the soul-destroying bar for the Bridge-rejects when Bridge gets full – in a hilarious arrangement akin to the French-Swiss border in World War II.

Wahoo

While the arrival of the infamous Brookes’ night Fuzzy Ducks might revitalise Wahoo, its combination of bright lights downstairs and endless space upstairs means a very good sports bar turns into another regrettably boring club. That is unless you are so drunk that you confuse a circus of Hollister drones listening to David Guetta while having jaeger-offs with a good night out. The DJ here, like many in Oxford, unfortunately feels the need to only play bad Skrillex tracks from 2am onwards.

Camera

Like Park End, but with a greater number of dickheads packed into a smaller space. The fact that the VIP area is nearly bigger than the rest of the club sums up Camera – made for people whose Mummies give them enough pocket money to sit in a extra-special area of a club, wear a suit and drink Champagne because, well, that’s what all of Daddy’s friends do, right? Camera is associated with everything that’s bad about Oxford – entitlement, the Union and shit club music. It does however take advantage of there being nothing much else to do on a Tuesday for people who can’t get through any more of the week without going out and drinking themselves into self-loathing. 

Roppongi

Walk down George Street after 9pm and you’ll get someone shouting ‘free entry free shot’ at you, which as a sales policy, is Roppongi’s chief USP. For being brave enough to accept the offer and walk down the stairs you are greeted by a thin corridor of a club which, despite the inviting mix of old males and even older females, is fairly empty. Ignore the toothless tramp on the dance floor – order your drink of vodka mixed with tonic disappointment, get your free shot, and move on quickly.  

LoLaLos

Unsurprisingly all the clubs in Oxford have official twitter accounts now, and while it’s sweet that Hotel-Management-graduate-turned-small-town-club-owner wants in on social media, I’m not sure what tweeting “Tonight is gonna be a large one, who’s heading down there?!” to 64 followers is going to achieve.

Having said that, recently this club’s official account, @lolalooxford, tweeted “Soooo Happy About St Giles Fayre Food Court Being Outside The Club! NOM NOM NOM NOM!”. Ignoring nearly everything else about that tweet, it’ll tell you that LoLaLos’ location is its forte, giving a fresh  dose of the Caribbean tropics in between the Ashmolean and Tesco. What was once Po Na Na is now a small downstairs club with a tropical-themed décor, which is admirable if not successful. No matter how many overpriced cocktails and Hawaiian leis around the neck, it’s hard to really feel immersed in the beach spirit when the Lolalos website advertises Friday nights’ music as ‘the best in chart, commercial, dance and remixed favourites’. Reading that you know it’s probably time to stay in and run that warm bath of gin.

Junction

Another recent reinvention, what was once Kukui changed to ‘The Junction’ after financial problems in 2011, though just changing the name and colour scheme didn’t quite turn the venue into the Fabric the owners wanted it to be. Popular Rock’n’roll and swing night ‘Itchy Feet’ uses the Junction as its venue and is worth attending at least once; the music isn’t as progressive as it makes out (there will be a lot of ‘Twist‘n’Shout’ and Parov Stelar) but it does offer some musical variety. Other than that, the one rule for clubbing in Oxford applies to Junction just as much as to anywhere else – if in doubt, get drunker. It will keep quiet that voice inside your head asking if you’re really enjoying yourself.

Review: Fresh Meat

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I
f you missed the first series, Fresh 
Meat is Jesse Armstrong and Sam 
Bain (of  Peep Show fame)’s hilariously awkward vision of student 
life, a mine of comic potential that 
hasn’t been so successfully tapped 
since  The Young Ones. Previously, 
the writers exploited students’ 
attempts to reinvent themselves 
when they start university, with 
each one trying and failing to be 
something they’re definitely not. 
Joe Thomas as the sweet, fumbling 
and virginal Kingsley managed to 
acquire the not-so-apt nickname 
‘the pussyman’ and the previously 
horse-loving Melissa turned up at 
Uni as self-styled hippie ‘Oregon’. 
A new series means a new term 
and more attempts at a new start: 
Kingsley has regenerated again 
and is now sporting a god-awful 
excuse for a beard and some pseudo-zen philosophy to match: ‘what 
a thing does is what a thing is, I’m 
just letting it do its thing.’ The ongoing romantic subplot between 
Kingsley and Josie certainly hasn’t 
changed though: they continue to 
fail to get together just as drastically. This story still has plenty of 
run in it, but it was largely background material this week as Jack 
Whitehall’s bumbling toff JP stole 
the show. 
Whitehall gets a lot of stick for 
playing nothing but exaggerated 
versions of himself, and perhaps 
this is true. But to be honest, he 
does it really well, so who cares?  
Although his portrayal occasionally edges too far into caricature 
– ‘Sorry, I don’t speak posh’ is one 
understandable response to his 
‘banter’ – several of his moments in 
this opener are simply golden. 
Showing Giles around (a new 
transfer from Exeter and an old 
school-friend from Stowe), JP revels in imparting his knowledge of 
the local lingo: ‘owt is any, nowt 
is none… tea is supper, dinner is 
lunch.’ When Giles reveals he is 
gay, however, JP finds this harder to adapt to – largely because 
memories of shared ‘power showers’ (‘you know – like, extreme 
washing’) at school cause him to 
question his own sexuality. He is 
hilariously befuddled – ‘bi-furious’ 
as Kingsley puts it. But after some 
patient explanation from Giles that 
‘I don’t want to bum you, and you 
don’t want to bum me’ he is back 
on form, proudly presenting his 
gay best friend to the housemates 
as a new addition to the gang. The 
thing is, they’ve already promised 
the room to the iron-willed and 
frighteningly officious Sabine, 
who, it seems, does not suffer fools, 
or people who renege on rental 
agreements. This could, and probably will, get ugly.
Meanwhile, Oregon’s liaison 
with Professor Schales is well and 
truly over, though he refuses to 
accept it, stumbling around the 
faculty recalling halcyon days 
of reading ee cummings to her 
and weeping, and Howard is still  
bloody brilliant. Greg McHugh’s 
deadpan delivery is a consistent 
highlight and more Howard  can 
only be a good thing. 
It looks like this series will be 
as compelling as the first. The 
strength of every member of this 
young cast is what really makes 
this show shine and, on the evidence of this first episode, they’re 
only getting stronger in Series 2.

If you missed the first series, Fresh Meat is Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain (of  Peep Show fame)’s hilariously awkward vision of student life, a mine of comic potential that hasn’t been so successfully tapped since  The Young Ones.

Previously, the writers exploited students’ attempts to reinvent themselves when they start university, with each one trying and failing to be something they’re definitely not. Joe Thomas as the sweet, fumbling and virginal Kingsley managed to acquire the not-so-apt nickname ‘the pussyman’ and the previously horse-loving Melissa turned up at Uni as self-styled hippie ‘Oregon’. 

A new series means a new term and more attempts at a new start: Kingsley has regenerated again and is now sporting a god-awful excuse for a beard and some pseudo-zen philosophy to match: ‘what a thing does is what a thing is, I’m just letting it do its thing.’ The ongoing romantic subplot between Kingsley and Josie certainly hasn’t changed though: they continue to fail to get together just as drastically.

This story still has plenty of run in it, but it was largely background material this week as Jack Whitehall’s bumbling toff JP stole the show. Whitehall gets a lot of stick for playing nothing but exaggerated versions of himself, and perhaps this is true. But to be honest, he does it really well, so who cares?  Although his portrayal occasionally edges too far into caricature – ‘Sorry, I don’t speak posh’ is one understandable response to his ‘banter’ – several of his moments in this opener are simply golden. 

Showing Giles around (a new transfer from Exeter and an old school-friend from Stowe), JP revels in imparting his knowledge of the local lingo: ‘owt is any, nowt is none… tea is supper, dinner is lunch.’ When Giles reveals he is gay, however, JP finds this harder to adapt to – largely because memories of shared ‘power showers’ (‘you know – like, extreme washing’) at school cause him to question his own sexuality. He is hilariously befuddled – ‘bi-furious’ as Kingsley puts it. But after some patient explanation from Giles that ‘I don’t want to bum you, and you don’t want to bum me’ he is back on form, proudly presenting his gay best friend to the housemates as a new addition to the gang. The thing is, they’ve already promised the room to the iron-willed and frighteningly officious Sabine, who, it seems, does not suffer fools, or people who renege on rental agreements. This could, and probably will, get ugly.

Meanwhile, Oregon’s liaison with Professor Schales is well and truly over, though he refuses to accept it, stumbling around the faculty recalling halcyon days of reading ee cummings to her and weeping, and Howard is still  bloody brilliant. Greg McHugh’s deadpan delivery is a consistent highlight and more Howard  can only be a good thing. It looks like this series will be as compelling as the first. The strength of every member of this young cast is what really makes this show shine and, on the evidence of this first episode, they’re only getting stronger in Series 2.

On the set of Locked In A Garage Band

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t’s the summer of 2010. I’m slightly 
more fresh-faced than I am now, 
having yet to discover Beowulf. I’ve 
just spent a tedious year learning 
important life skills, like how to 
move a 650W light without breaking 
everything, so when the opportunity came up to move to Canada for 
a month and move lights on a whole 
other continent, I wasn’t going to 
turn it down.
 The project is called  Locked in a 
Garage Band and it’s a feature film 
that raised $20,000 on a website 
called Kickstarter. I met the producer, Victoria Westcott, on Twitter 
and interviewed her for a podcast. 
After following the project through 
to Crowdfunding fruition, I asked 
whether there might be room on the 
set for me. 
A few months later, I arrived in 
Vancouver and, about five hours after that, I was in the small(ish) town 
of Mission, British Columbia (coincidentally the hometown of Cherwell 
favourite Carly Rae Jepsen).
 Victoria was making the film with 
her sister Jennifer, who is the writer 
and director of the film. They are 
both from Vancouver Island, which 
someone tried to tell me was the 
same size as Germany (it’s not) but, 
logistically, it was hard for them to 
get the top British Columbia actors 
to go over to the island for the shoot, 
so they moved production, first to 
Vancouver, and then to the town of 
Mission, which seems to mainly be 
famous for vagrancy. For all its apparent problems with homelessness 
and drug addiction, Mission turned 
out to be a quaint little town which 
didn’t even have a Starbucks.
 I spent a few weeks (one of preproduction, two of production and 
then a few days as a tourist) basically locked in the eponymous garage. It’s a single location set-up: a 
group of kids who’ve just graduated 
from high school get locked in their 
garage when rehearsing for their 
band and are forced to confront all 
their issues. In order to pull this off, 
however, the cast and crew had to 
live through much of the plot. The 
garage was like an oven, filled with 
about fifteen people at any one time 
and countless burning lights. That’s 
where pretty much the whole film 
was shot so, as you can imagine, it’s 
hard for me to avoid seeing those 
breeze block walls in my nightmares.
  Writer,  director,  producer,  cinematographer, actors, me – we all 
lived in the house. I never knew who 
I was going to be sharing my room 
with (I remember waking up one 
morning to have Andrew Jenkins, 
the film’s leading man, informing 
me that he would be wearing my 
underwear today) or who I might 
walk in on in the shower. Sometimes 
it was the ridiculously attractive actors, at other times it was a member 
of the resolutely ‘behind the camera’ 
crew. Whilst it was claustrophobic at 
times (I occasionally had to make the 
40 minute walk to the local cinema 
just to get some space) on the whole 
it was remarkably easy to live with.
 The reason that this experience 
in June 2010 comes flooding back to 
me is that, last week, I attended the 
Raindance Film Festival world premiere of the film, and finally got to 
see what all those sweaty shooting 
days turned into. The answer was a 
very funny Canadian teen comedy, although that’s somewhat 
missing the point of my nostalgia. In almost every shot 
I could see myself (not literally, thank God) crouched off 
screen serving some, 
usually useless, 
function. When the 
rat scrambles about 
behind some boxes, 
I remember making 
that movement with 
a stick. When someone 
business school letter, I 
remember writing and 
signing it. When a can 
of Snapple mysteriously disappears between 
shots, I remember 
drinking it.
 It’s a small contribution to a film that has 
required an enormous 
amount of time and 
commitment from the 
Westcott sisters, but, as 
summer jobs go, this 
must be pretty much as 
good as it gets. You can 
have your Deloitte internships but I’d rather 
this any day. Even if you 
only get to be the hand 
behind a stick that’s

It’s the summer of 2010. I’m slightly more fresh-faced than I am now, having yet to discover Beowulf. I’ve just spent a tedious year learning important life skills, like how to move a 650W light without breaking everything, so when the opportunity came up to move to Canada for a month and move lights on a whole other continent, I wasn’t going to turn it down. 

The project is called  Locked in a Garage Band and it’s a feature film that raised $20,000 on a website called Kickstarter. I met the producer, Victoria Westcott, on Twitter and interviewed her for a podcast. After following the project through to Crowdfunding fruition, I asked whether there might be room on the set for me.

 A few months later, I arrived in Vancouver and, about five hours after that, I was in the small(ish) town of Mission, British Columbia (coincidentally the hometown of Cherwell favourite Carly Rae Jepsen). 

Victoria was making the film with her sister Jennifer, who is the writer and director of the film. They are both from Vancouver Island, which someone tried to tell me was the same size as Germany (it’s not) but, logistically, it was hard for them to get the top British Columbia actors to go over to the island for the shoot, so they moved production, first to Vancouver, and then to the town of Mission, which seems to mainly be famous for vagrancy. For all its apparent problems with homelessness and drug addiction, Mission turned out to be a quaint little town which didn’t even have a Starbucks.

 I spent a few weeks (one of preproduction, two of production and then a few days as a tourist) basically locked in the eponymous garage. It’s a single location set-up: a group of kids who’ve just graduated from high school get locked in their garage when rehearsing for their band and are forced to confront all their issues. In order to pull this off, however, the cast and crew had to live through much of the plot. The garage was like an oven, filled with about fifteen people at any one time and countless burning lights. That’s where pretty much the whole film was shot so, as you can imagine, it’s hard for me to avoid seeing those breeze block walls in my nightmares.

Writer,  director,  producer,  cinematographer, actors, me – we all lived in the house. I never knew who I was going to be sharing my room with (I remember waking up one morning to have Andrew Jenkins, the film’s leading man, informing me that he would be wearing my underwear today) or who I might walk in on in the shower. Sometimes it was the ridiculously attractive actors, at other times it was a member of the resolutely ‘behind the camera’ crew. Whilst it was claustrophobic at times (I occasionally had to make the 40 minute walk to the local cinema just to get some space) on the whole it was remarkably easy to live with. 

The reason that this experience in June 2010 comes flooding back to me is that, last week, I attended the Raindance Film Festival world premiere of the film, and finally got to see what all those sweaty shooting days turned into. The answer was a very funny Canadian teen comedy, although that’s somewhat missing the point of my nostalgia. In almost every shot I could see myself (not literally, thank God) crouched off screen serving some, usually useless, function. When the rat scrambles about behind some boxes, I remember making that movement with a stick. When someone opens a business school letter, I remember writing and signing it. When a can of Snapple mysteriously disappears between shots, I remember drinking it. 

It’s a small contribution to a film that has required an enormous amount of time and commitment from the Westcott sisters, but, as summer jobs go, this must be pretty much as good as it gets. You can have your Deloitte internships but I’d rather this any day. Even if you only get to be the hand behind a stick that’s pretending to be a rat. 

Shark Tales Episode 5

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Review: Gap Year: A New Musical Comedy

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Taken in its context: a small scale, six-piece performance meant for continuous giggles, Gap Year: A New Musical Comedy made for a swell fit in the intimate Old Fire Station Theatre. Though not quite “New”, as it plays off the consistent just-leaving-high-school tropes of new friends, unfortunate crushes, and the search to “find oneself”, the musical keeps one laughing while not stepping too hard on too many toes.

Joe Hinds performed a humorous yet solid leading role as Tom, the nervous high school over-achiever, who attempts to flee expectations by taking a three-month backpacking trip through Australia. Tom meets traveling companion Holly (played by Bethan McCann) before departing, and she proves to be the willing agent in pushing him from mishap to revelation. Gap Year employs all the conventions one would imagine while backpacking in Australia: diving in the Great Barrier Reef, sleeping through nights at a rat-infested hostel, trekking around Ayer’s Rock, and touring Sydney. Yet each event is done with a witty twist and an ever-pleasant array of characters from a cokehead bus driver to obnoxious American cheerleaders to a posh, “chundering” Gideon (a certain nod to the Youtube sensation of which the idea for this musical germinates).

From a musical perspective, the songs are fluid and fun. Though composers Tim Gilvin and Patrick Stockbridge seem like relative newcomers to the musical game, they sport impressive resumes and do not disappoint with Gap Year. Unfortunately, their songs make the common mistake of trying to do too much in a small space. Many of the catchy tunes, though pleasant at first, hang around a tad too long and often pair cluttering layers of lyrics, which only prove unintelligible. Yet these slights are more than remedied by the impeccable harmonization of the entire cast with each slip-up quickly buttered over, like honey to the Uni-bred, backpacker-at-heart’s ears. When they are on it, they are utterly melodious, and none are left unimpressed.

As for the comedy, scriptwriter Dan John certainly succeeds in keeping the crowd in high spirits at a quick pace. Gap Year has the fair share of sexual puns, queer asides, and foreigner bashing that one would assume of a play written and acted by a cast of twenty-somethings, but they pull it off in a reasonably respectable manner. Though much of the comedy is somewhat predictable, it is passed around in a light-hearted banter that makes it hard to suppress a constant chuckle.

The cast of six works as a solid unit, remarkably for such widespread newcomers. Never is a role irrelevant. And because of the small number, it is often the minor role-players who bear the challenges of putting on varying characters (I assume Glee had much to do with the cheerleaders’ ability to sing in unwavering American accents). All in all, Gap Year is enticingly active and charming. The musical certainly tops whatever else you were planning on doing this evening, be it “chundering” up those three-pound Jagerbombs or blasting club remixes of Rihanna down your ear holes. And the final message of “Just go to Uni, you wuss! It’ll be fun!” is something any self-interested Oxonian can relate to with a smile.

3 AND A HALF STARS

Review: A View from the Bridge

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It was nice not to have studied A View From the Bridge. I went with a completely open mind, not knowing the story, the characters nor how sad the ending was going to be – although I had heard it was tragic. Opening with a narrator who framed the story and took the audience back, the set became a small, minimalist apartment dining room. Its size and structure was perfect to place the scenes within a claustrophobic intensity where relationships often overlapped and the ever-present emotional tension looked set to seep onto the Playhouse boards.

 The play begins just before the arrival of two illegal immigrants from Italy in the house of Eddie Carbone, who lives with his wife, Bea and niece Catherine. It’s clear from Eddie’s response to the announcement that his niece has found herself a job, that his overprotective nature and concealed obsession are about to dictate the lives of the main characters, an obssession which accelerates with the arrival of Marco and Rodolpho, who Catherine quickly falls in love with. The cast managed to create a sufficient amount of suspense through the development of the story; Catherine’s jovial naivety and Bea’s yearning for the resurrection of her marriage complimenting the practical desires of the relatives who are there for work, regardless of the love of their families or the beauty of Italy that they leave behind. As Rodolpho observes, ‘you can’t cook a view.’

 Barney White’s portrayal of Eddie was outstanding, partly for achieving the accent without force or farce, but mainly for a perfect communication of his character’s tortured emotion: his torn loyalties and his feelings for those he supposedly loves. Peter Huhne’s Rodolpho I was fearful at times of becoming too caricatural, but mostly his comedic turns of phrase and reactions to Eddie or Catherine were charming and loveable, and conveyed vulnerability, if occasionally slightly lost in pre-emptive muffled laughter from the audience. The female characters were also interesting, if a little overshadowed by such prominent performances from the main male performances, though I think this was intentional and represented the controlled and strained relationships that formed the basis of the whole story. 

 On the whole, the play was very good but I can’t help but feel this was significantly due to such a strong and sympathetic lead performance, which left me genuinely on the edge of my seat towards the end. A social commentary and emotional story, the final scene didn’t require a closing narration, or an influx of supporting actors who just crowded the stage, but it left a bitter taste, a moral conundrum. Eddie had asserted, ‘some people are not people,’ and A View From the Bridge no doubt made you consider whether there is any truth in that.

 4 STARS

View From A Blue: Samson Egerton

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How did you get involved as a first-year?

I was just really lucky. They needed 9s – the previous captain had been a 9 and had left. A coach of mine from home sent some details about me across and then they invited me to preseason from there. There was a whole lot of luck.

Was it odd being younger than so many of the team?

Most were a lot older. When I first came in I kept very quiet and didn’t push myself forward – I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. Regardless of age though that first term’s all about building a team. The older boys have a responsibility to make you feel welcome.

And now you’re established?

I have that responsibility myself. It’s completely different, and more challenging. I’m one of the few remaining Blues from last year, and having to help much older guys is a bit odd. But age is irrelevant – we’re all playing the same sport.

How’s the social side of things?

Ruby is a funny sport, it definitely brings people together. It’s a battle – you’d do anything for your teammates on or off the pitch. Off the pitch is great fun. I consider the mates last year some of the best of my life. We’ll always have that Varsity match.

Moving on to that match then, it must have been quite the experience?

I took it all in my stride, funnily enough. We prepared so much for it that it turned out to be the only game I wasn’t nervous for that season. JC, the captain, took me aside and said to ignore the crowd, ignore the cameras and just focus on the green pitch. I remember being next to Cambridge in the tunnel – they were bouncing up and down and we were stone cold. I distinctly remember thinking then, “We’ve got this.” No nerves. That was odd.

What’s the support like at the club?

Well I’m going sown at 5 today for a massage, free of charge. We have an unbelievable physio too. That’s great. They do look after you. We still pay our way though, with subs and having to get player sponsorship.

 How has playing affected the rest of your life?

Academically I’m set for a solid 2:2. Other than that we’ll see. Because I’ve got such a good group of mates at the rugby club it’s a hard balance socially. It’s too easy to just go out with your rugby mates sometimes I’ve found. But I make a conscious effort to keep the balance and when that works it’s great – you’ve got two really good sets of friends.

 Thoughts for the future?

All I’ve got to think about is playing well and getting in the team.

Surviving the International Break

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If, during the course of this week, you find yourself huddled up in the corner of some half-filled pub, staring forlornly into your drink while Portadown play Glenavon in the Irish league on an unwatched TV screen, or sitting in your college library actually doing something productive at four o’clock on a Sunday afternoon, there’s only one explanation: the return of that incurable and all-too-frequently recurring disease known as the ‘international break’.

Beloved of no-one but ITV executives and minor European principalities, viewed at best as an inconvenience by club managers, journalists, and supporters alike, the international break may seem a lot like a particularly cold winter, or your first reading list of term: it’s unasked-for, soul-destroying, vast and bleak – but it can be survived.

The first step is denial: pretend that this is just a week like any other, with club football bound to come along and cheer you up at some stage. This will only work until around 12.30 on Saturday, when a crushing feeling of emptiness and gloom descends. This feeling reaches its peak in the early evening, with the terrible realisation that an international break is actually international, and means there’s no Spanish football to watch either. Not even Revista de la Liga to look forward to.

At this point swift action is required to prevent the onset of a deep and unrelenting depression: get onto your laptop, or onto the street, and find a substitute for your Premier League football fix. Nothing will do quite as well: but you may find something to numb the pain. It might be necessary to use a substitute sport: rugby perhaps, or, if things are really desperate, golf. If all else fails, this is an appropriate time to get unfathomably drunk, and hope for a hangover so bad that your poisoned mind cannot bear the strain of formulating the mere concept of football.

The lowest ebb comes at 3.15 in what suddenly feels like a yawning chasm of a Sunday afternoon, when a quick and hopeful flick through the Sky Sports TV guide delivers the devastating news that the only thing filling the gaping Super-Sunday-shaped void is Shrewsbury vs. Walsall in League One. Watch it, if you have the strength. If not, the best thing to do is probably to replay last Sunday’s games on FIFA. Repeatedly. With 20-minute halves.

At the end of the first weekend you’re over the worst of it, and will be ready to make a gradual recovery, comforted by the certainty of a glorious return to Premier League normality come Saturday. Revel in the luxury of a few extra days to ponder those fantasy team transfers, but under no circumstance confirm them before the second round of international qualifiers. There is no worse feeling than bringing in a new 9 million pound goalscoring midfielder, only to see him pick up a season-ending injury on international duty in Armenia. If this does happen, you’ll have to force yourself to resist the temptation to write an angry, drunken email demanding compensation for loss of fantasy points from the player’s national FA. They aren’t liable.

Take the chance to expand your footballing horizons: tune in to some South American qualifiers or the NextGen series – a little known gem involving u-19 sides representing the likes of Arsenal, Barcelona, Juventus and Molde. Do some work. Sleep. Oh and I suppose you’ll have to watch those England games, however unpalatable the prospect of seeing Jonjo Shelvey in a tracksuit adorned with your beloved Three Lions, or having to endure the wisecracks and catcalls from a disillusioned and oh-so-knowing audience in your JCR’s TV area, not to mention the slow-burning pain and gnawing anxiety of an uninspired and entirely unconvincing 1-1 draw against Poland in Warsaw.

But no matter how depressing those 90 minutes, you’ll end them with an overwhelming sense of relief. The international break is at an end. Before you know it you’ll be settling down in front of Chelsea-Spurs at White Hart Lane, problem sheet in hand, with the tribulations of the past fortnight all but forgotten.