Monday, May 5, 2025
Blog Page 1557

Which footballers are which drugs?

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Jose Bosingwa – Cocaine

Suspiciously expensive for the little quality you get in return, and notoriously popular in West London clubs.

Portuguese wing-back Jose Bosingwa, like cocaine, came to Chelsea in a big way and cost a lot of money. You should always be suspicious of the guy who says “No, honestly, this is the good stuff mate, it’ll get you right fucking going”, whether that’s FC Porto President Jorge da Costa trying to convince Roman Abramovich to part with £16m in 2008, or the weird Sex Offender-looking old guy in the club who is selling what he calls gak at £80 a gram.

Having the reputation of being quite glamorous but actually being very underwhelming, Bosingwa has stuck around West London, moving to Queen’s Park Rangers in 2011. Why is there such an obsession?

Michael Owen – Laughing Gas

People get nostalgia about when both of these seemed like the best thing ever. You probably have fuzzy memories of Owen being quite good – that run against Argentina, that double against Arsenal in the FA Cup. We all thought he was on top of the world.

Also, remember that time when you filled up a balloon at a 14th birthday party with nitrous oxide and thought your head was going to fall off? You probably thought you were on top of the world too. Then half a minute later the feeling had completely gone. And now Michael Owen plays for Stoke City.

But when you were young, both were exciting prospects – another English golden boy to win us the World Cup someday (errr….) and an exciting and harmless way to feel like you’re subverting your parents with a whipped cream dispenser.

And that’s what defines these two things, being utterly harmless – Owen’s one Capital One Cup goal every 18 months having as much long-lasting effect as your fifteen-second canister high . 

Carlos Tevez – MDMA / Pills

If only for the fact that Carlos Tevez looks like he is permanently gurning – and is very popular in East London. Tevez almost single-handedly saved West Ham in 2007 and so has a lot of fans east of EC1 these days. I’m not convinced he doesn’t drop a couple of hours before every game either, running around with a furious energy in every game.

Pundits mistake this running for trying to win the ball back in order to score a goal, but I think if he ever did win the ball back off defenders, he’d probably just hug it and tell it what a ‘great ball’ it is, and that “we really should hang out more”.

Nicolas Anelka – Alcohol

Like alcohol, former-Chelsea, Manc hester City, Bolton, Arsenal, Real Madrid, PSG, Fenerbahce and Liverpool striker Nicolas Anelka has been found practically everywhere and is a reliable source of scoring.

One of the first memories of football fans of our generation will be Anelka as an 18-year old being a cool, exotic part of Arsenal’s double-winning season in 1998. Likewise, unless you are Muslim or Macaulay Culkin, alcohol will be one of your first experiences of drugs, too.

And now in the modern age, Anelka is still currently scoring for Shanghai Shenzua in China. And everyone still drinks.

Dimitar Berbatov – Ketamine

можем да се отпуснеш?” is Bulgarian for ‘Can we chill the fuck out please?’.

Looking permanently sedated, Berbatov is in a perennial existential crisis at both being voted Bulgaria’s Sexiest Man 2006 and playing in a team with Chris Baird. Every time Steve Sidwell runs down a blind alley and manages to shin pad the ball into touch, Berbatov looks like he might go into a k-hole.

Bebe – Mephedrone

Both popping up on the Manchester scene a couple of years ago, Bebe and mephedrone are now a bit of a running joke. Neither having had a lasting stay in culture, both buyers of mephedrone (public school dubstep fans) and Bebe (Manchester United) are probably both quite embarrassed about how much money they spent on their two purchases.

United reportedly spent £7m on the ex-homeless striker, who has amounted to nothing, while teenagers would spend up to £25 on grams of drone back in the day, all just so that Skrillex sounded acceptable.

Duncan Ferguson – Heroin

Both popular in Scotland in the mid-1990s, and both absolutely terrifying.

Both football and drugs are supposed to be fun, pleasant escapes from reality, but both Ferguson and Heroin seem to be examples of these two things which, as Super Hans says, go beyond fun and actually become quite nasty.

Ferguson was such a violent, aggressive striker that he was actually jailed for 3 months in 1994 for assaulting an opposing defender. It’s probably best to stay away from both Ferguson and smack in any serious capacity.

Review: The Joy Formidable – Wolf’s Law

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It was said of the writer James Joyce that in order to artistically ‘breathe’ he had to ‘break all the windows’. It is an image that resonates with The Joy Formidable: this band is so desperate to be arena-successful, it will attempt edgy artistic nuance by destroying what little decent music it has. ‘Bats’ and ‘This Ladder is Ours’ just reek of excess: a constant clamour as each instrument tries to be heard over the other.

Still, Wolf’s Law does have its highlights, mostly when the band experiments. You can’t help but admire a band willing to write a song in five beats per bar: it shows a spirit of originality and at least an attempt to cover new ground. The simple plod of ‘Little Blimp’ is genuinely enjoyable, as a head-banging-offbeat
bass riff carries the main focus. There is a high point of the album, as well, in the song ‘Silent Treatment’, with its daintiness of tone, thoughtful instrumental delivery and skilful interweaving of melodies. 

The album is a demonstration of that tiresome cliché ‘less is more’. On the one hand, there are these mindless  walls of sound in ‘This Ladder is Ours’, the chorus of ‘Tendons’ and ‘The Leopard and The Lung’, which are all kinds of musical anaesthetics that numb the distinction between music and noise. 

But on the other, we get some beautiful understanding of the music, as in ‘Silent Treatment’ and the detailed composition of ‘The Hurdle’. It is certainly worth a listen, if you can ignore the moments of wanton over-production, and uncover this album’s rare little sparkles.

Review: Foxygen – We Are The 21st Century Ambassadors of…

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For the past two years, alternative music has been particularly retrospective, and Foxygen feel very much like the sum of their recent retro-rock influences, rather than anything more. The psychedelic slouch of 21st Century feels like a platonic imitation of an imitation. Foxygen do a good impression of The Black Keys, and an ever better one of Tame Impala, to whom they will inevitably (and unfavourably) be compared. The band’s imitative tendencies, however, mean they can only ever be so convincing in their own right. Foxygen make all the right noises, and that’s precisely the issue with this album: these noises have been made before, and made better. 

Foxygen’s commitment to a west-coast psychedelic aesthetic creates a strong sense of cohesion across these nine tracks, but feels rather slavish. Where there are moments of genuine emotional resonance, they are, without exception, tainted by the heavy-handed addition of a wig-out coda or a ‘whoa, dude!’ change of tempo or key. ‘Shuggie’ unfurls elegantly for all of a minute before it’s interrupted by a half-baked T-Mobile advert-soundalike chorus. ‘No Destruction’ and ‘Oh Yeah’ are similarly blunted by their long, inert concluding phrases, whilst ‘Bowling Trophies’ resembles just such a coda shorn of its parent song. 

On occasion, Foxygen cleverly subvert their tendency towards retro-worship. The all-male Ronettes-style harmonies of ‘On Blue Mountain’, for example, are genuinely funny, and swell within the piece to gorgeous beauty. Such moments of self-conscious humour, however, don’t disguise the truth they attempt to undermine. Their exhortations to “rearrange your mind/if it makes you feel fine”, or “chew on gum/if it makes you have fun” make 21st Century feel tie-dyed by numbers. If Foxygen are the 21st Century Ambassadors of Peace and Love, their album is their embassy. They have the flag and they speak the language, but the turf they tread is someone else’s.

And All That Jazz

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I think the best way to capture the spirit of this evening is to say that if you were considering buying a ticket but didn’t, you made a huge mistake. The entire event is testament to the reason that jazz has never quite gone out of fashion.

First to take the floor was the Cambridge University Jazz Orchestra (CUJO). The contrast of the opening, energetic ‘Liberty City’ with the more subdued ‘Carmelo’s By The Freeway’ is an excellent showcase of their versatility.
Even on the most rapid passages, the notes flow gently and effortlessly. ‘My One and Only Love’ is CUJO’s venture into ballad territory, and this shows perhaps their only weakness – that they tend to dominate the room. A special
mention should go out to McMurran’s piece ‘Continuum’, which is named appropriately for its sense of constant motion. He does an excellent job combining fluid timings with a dynamic Latin rhythm, and his work needs more
public exposure. Despite their energy being somewhat uncontrollable, there’s a slight lack of what might be termed ‘band spirit’ until ‘Quite Firm’, where we see the playfulness that distinguishes a good jazz band from a great one.
Second is our own native jazz band. ‘Nostalgia in Times Square’ is much gentler than Cambridge’s offering, and perhaps a slower start, but the brass is in many ways softer and more lyrical. The band’s sheer playfulness, especially
drummer Alex Blackwell, is a theme throughout. Andy Tyler gives a performance of jazz flute that would shame Ron Burgundy. The piece ‘Cute’ is perhaps a less effective contrast than the Cambridge set, and indeed the OUJO neglects ballads until ‘A Nightingale Sang in Berkley Square’. The highlight is undoubtedly someone who will go far in the jazz world, Fran Aquilina.
Her voice is understated when it needs to be, but there is real passion in the climax of every piece she sings. Their performance of ‘Minuano’ demands a label of its own. It is too easy to get lost in the harmonies and its pulsing, organic style. Initially soft and understated, you then find yourself listening to roaring brass harmonies and genuinely wondering how on earth you got there. ‘Little Darling’ is the only slight let-down, which suffers from the same issue that Cambridge had: that it is all too easy to lapse into an overtly heavy style in a slow movement.
Despite being entitled a ‘jazz-off’, I cannot declare a victor. Both played to an incredibly professional standard. After hearing this, I want nothing more than to curl up with my jazz albums and tenderly whisper that I will never abandon them again.

A book to tear you apart

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The short rise of Joy Division and tragic early death of Ian Curtis is a story that has been told a great many times. Unknown Pleasures, the autobiography by Peter Hook (Joy Division and New Order bassist) doesn’t exactly shatter these legends, but it does ground them in the grubby and often unpleasant world of the late ‘70s post-punk movement.

A word of warning – if you don’t know a fair bit about Joy Division et al before going in, Unknown Pleasures can be a little impenetrable. Hook seems to assume fairly detailed awareness of the ins and outs of the scene as entry-level knowledge, and sometimes this can come across as a little alienating. On the other hand, the level of detail that has gone into this is often extremely rewarding. The focus in Unknown Pleasures is largely placed on the actual process of putting a band together and making music. The track-by-track analyses of Joy Division albums offer a depth that many other rock ’n’ roll-type memoirs don’t.

Similarly, the timelines of events that are placed after Hook’s narration present a nice offset to his personal experience, grounding his observations through newspaper clippings, reviews and old interview segments. The organisation of these different titbits does serve to break up the pace a little, but this offers some relief from the slightly bleak narration that is often on offer.

Yes, Unknown Pleasures is often a grim read: it’s safe to say that this is not an aspirational book, making the ‘band’ lifestyle seem about as much fun as a colonoscopy in the rain. Chapter after chapter describes grim hotels and terrible gigs. But there’s an admirable honesty in this that’s oddly appealing.

Similarly, most of Peter Hook’s memories of Ian Curtis are those of Curtis as “one of the lads” who would play pranks and get pissed with his mates. Not to say the more artistic parts of Ian Curtis did not exist – Hook is emphatic about this. Unknown Pleasures is an account of refreshing honesty – and one that any fan would be foolish to ignore. But it is unlikely to appeal to anyone less specifically interested.

Preview: The Aleph

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Cherwell’s Verdict:
“Gripping, gritty psychological fantasy”

Tension abounds among the claustrophobic spaces of this psychological take on science fiction, written by Oxford student Eli Keren. The plot revolves around a mission to recover a mysterious object, the ‘Aleph’, about which the five members of the cast know nothing, and which they cannot discuss. Yet with the object successfully found, the play goes on to explore the rapidly increasing difficulties faced by a small ground under huge pressure, guarding a seductively dangerous object for which the one rule to obey is that “they
can’t open the case”.

There is something Lord-of-the-Rings-esque about the whole psychological/fantasy set-up; I am reminded particularly strongly of Merry’s
tantalising obsession with Sauramon’s seeing stone in the final instalment of the trilogy. Yet to compare Alex Wood (who plays Junks, the character most susceptible to the temptations of the forbidden Aleph) to a hobbit is to pass
over his truly convincing and at times shocking portrayal of his character’s mental disintegration.

All of the actors, but particularly Junks and Captain Evans (Will Law), excel in this gripping, gritty production, in a way which makes them highly believable even within the slightly heavy-handed dependence on the language of military fantasies (there is much talk of ‘secret missions’, ‘returning to base’ and ‘reporting to the commander’). Identical uniforms and a relatively stark backdrop of two chairs, some sandbags, and a few cans of baked beans,
means that all of the energy has to come from the characters themselves – and yet they undoubtedly carry it off in style.

Conversations fly, with each angry and F-word-spattered speech bounding off the last with a veneer of flawless confidence even five days before the opening night. But anger and instability isn’t all this cast is capable of: another particularly moving scene is between the young and vulnerable Madison (Lizhi Howard) and Captain Evans, whose tragic sacrifice just manages to skirt around the edge of sentimentality and remain within the realms of the genuinely moving.

The first half of this 70 minute play is, I am told, less dark than the extract I saw from later on, such that there may possibly be less emphasis on the psychological aspect at which these actors are so proficient.

But whilst I was unconvinced initially by the idea of science fiction, of which I cannot pretend usually to be a huge admirer, this play certainly won me over, and persuaded me of the genre’s huge potential for timeless relevance.

Just monkeying around

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The Oxford drama scene is teeming with arts undergrads hoping to make it in the acting world after they graduate. However, the prospect of paying yet more money on yet another potentially pointless qualification can be more than a little off-putting. Former Oxford thesp Liam Stewart-George talks about his involvement with the Fourth Monkey Theatre Company and what taking your first steps as a professional actor is like.

How did you get involved with Fourth Monkey?
I didn’t want to go to drama school straight away having just done three years of a degree, but I was also daunted by the prospect of just attempting
to dive in to the career. So when I heard about this company it sounded like the ideal mixture of training and actually working in the industry.

What is Fourth Monkey?
It’s a repertory theatre company, part of which means they do intensive seasons of shows. A lot of famous actors who started off in repertory theatre swear by it; it teaches you the physical and mental stamina required and gets you learning on the job. This season, Fourth Monkey is doing a new play, adapted from a Kafka short story called In The Penal Colony, which we are devising ourselves. Fourth Monkey is a place where skills can be honed and developed, but also seeks to push boundaries and create bold, professional work.

What was your involvement with student theatre in Oxford?
I covered most bases, and would encourage aspiring thesps to do likewise.
Principally I acted, doing musicals such as The Dummy Tree, Sweeney Todd, and plays including Orphans and Tamburlaine, playing everything from an ageing Jewish man to Bottom as a ballet dancer turned street dancer. Icannot stress enough how you will never again have as much opportunity at your fingertips to perform as you do at Oxford. Get involved as much as possible.

What are you best and worst memories of being in Oxford theatre?
I have a couple of contenders for worst, the first being Much Ado About Nothing which I directed: my Don John decided to tell me the Sunday before opening that he couldn’t do the Friday performance, so on top of directing and producing the show I had to learn his part in four days. I was also involved in a production where a safety bar in the theatre fell down and almost killed a few audience members. My best memory is the production of Peter Pan I put on: we had limited resources but were bold in how we developed it and it got a superb reception.

What advice would you give to any budding thesps hoping to continue acting after Oxford?
I feel a bit of a charlatan offering advice to budding thesps, as I have barely scratched the surface of the industry myself! You have to have a thick skin and persevere; it is one of the few careers where you will undoubtedly get rejected repeatedly, often through no fault of your own. It’s tough but if you can enjoy the steps of the process then it will be a fulfilling career.However, clichéd as it may sound, if you truly love acting and can’t imagine doing anything else then do it.

Oxford University to target primary schools for access work

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The Office for Fair Access has called upon universities to extend their outreach activities to target potential students as young as seven.

New guidelines laid out in the OFFA January 17th press release state, “all English universities and colleges that want to charge tuition fees of more than the basic fee  [should] consider how they will work to raise aspirations and academic attainment among children from as young as seven.”

For the 2014-15 academic year, such universities will be expected to include in their access agreements plans to target children as early as Key Stage 2 as part of a long term access programme.

In the press release, Professor Les Ebdon, Director of Fair Access to Higher Education said: “Many universities already run excellent outreach programmes. However, these tend to focus on young people aged 14-19, and, while work with teenagers is very useful and should continue, we are keen to see more long-term schemes that start at a younger age and persist through the school career. It’s crucial that outreach encompasses those who are not yet on the pathway to higher education as well as those who are already considering it.”

In response to the OFFA guidelines, a spokesperson for the University of Oxford told Cherwell, “The emphasis on outreach programmes as outlined in the latest OFFA guidance underscores the importance of engaging with students early on as they make decisions about their educational future – an area where Oxford University has been active for a number of years.

“As part of its extensive outreach and access work Oxford University already works to raise aspirations with students aged 16 and younger in local schools through our widening participation programmes, and has for a number of years worked in collaboration with other local universities.

“The University also welcomes OFFA’s emphasis on the importance of summer schools – an area of longstanding involvement for Oxford that is having an impact: state school students who attend Oxford’s UNIQ Summer Schools and apply to the university enjoy a success rate of around 40% – more than double the average success rate for all applicants.”

Oxford University’s agreement with OFFA for the 2013-14 academic year expresses the University’s aims to be “to attract applications from all individuals with the potential to study at the University; to inform them fully; to admit the very best; to educate them in an intensive, world-class teaching system, and to support them while at Oxford”.

Other Oxford access schemes include ambassador programmes, student mentoring and alumni visits. The Oxford Young Ambassador Programme employs current Oxford students to mentor secondary school students in the Oxfordshire area from Years 9 to 11, whilst the Trading Places initiative sees Oxford alumni visiting state schools to address pre-GCSE students from underrepresented groups.

Access schemes targeted at individual regions are also run by individual colleges. In accordance with the latest OFFA guidelines, Oxford colleges such as Lady Margaret Hall and Wadham are believed to have allowed groups of primary school children to tour their premises.

Oxford students have responded varyingly to the new OFFA guidelines, particularly those concerning outreach to children as young as seven. Nick Fanthorpe, a second year student at Trinity College, expressed concern that potential outreach programmes to Key Stage 2 students “could foster quite a dangerous atmosphere if a child at the age of seven gets obsessed with going to Oxford”.

Olivia Ouwehand, a third year Trinity student, meanwhile approved of the guideline’s aims, though voicing doubt about the efficacy of potential access schemes. “It would, admittedly, be hard, as kids of that age, even from a motivated academic background, generally don’t give a lot of thought to their futures, but I’d totally endorse any well thought out access schemes aimed at younger ages.”

Hertford Entz team is defeated by RON

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Last week saw a shock result in the Hertford JCR elections, as the sole candidates for Entz were met with a resounding RON (re-open nominations) vote from their fellow students.

With a margin of RON 107 – Entz Team 61, the vote was unprecedented in Hertford history. Hugh Baker, the JCR President, told Cherwell, “I was surprised, and I think the team that got RONed would have done a great job. I was aware of a RON campaign against them, but thought that com­mon sense would prevail and people would vote for the only candidate team offering themselves as Entz, who were easily capable. We are now having hustings for the new Entz committee elections in our 5th week JCR meeting, with several teams having already expressed their interest.”

The group’s manifesto, under the heading “Failure is not a BOPtion!” promised to “[Add] our own special touch to the Entz of 2013. We will strive to achieve first-class BOPS and some beaut new events. That’s BOP I’m talking about!” The manifesto ended with a pledge to “provide superb Bops and keep the puns roll­ing.”

Among the student population, reac­tions to the surprise result were mixed. One first year who resisted the campaign to RON the Entz candidates told Cherwell, “It just became a huge popularity contest where none of the voters considered the issue of whether they would actually have been good or not at organising bops, which after all would have been their fundamental role. I was really disappointed with the outcome.”

Other students were pleased with the result, with one concluding that “If the group run­ning for Entz had won, the victory would only have served to feed their already sizeable egos. Their unconvincing and underprepared hust saw poor use of ‘bop’ puns and little knowl­edge of what is actually involved in hosting events.” Other students also seem to have been put off by the candidates’ comedic offerings, with one second year telling Cherwell, “This just shows Hertford’s reputation for inclusiv­ity doesn’t mean we’ll tolerate shoddy word­play. I just hope they don’t bop themselves.”

Some chose to take a different view altogeth­er on the whole affair – as one first year put it to Cherwell, “Perhaps the focus here shouldn’t be on the failure of the Entz campaign, but on RON’s success. I for one am delighted to see a candidate who is so often left disappointed at the ballot box finally achieve the victory that his perseverance deserves. It’s unfortunate for the defeated nominees that they were up against such a formidable opponent on the day. RON has managed to go his entire politi­cal career at Hertford without making a sin­gle enemy and as such, this victory was per­haps as inevitable as it was merited.”

The unsuccessful Entz candidates declined to comment.

 

Tesco confusion over Hilda’s horse-themed ball

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Tesco and St Hilda’s Ball Committee appear to be under some confusion over the sponsorship of the college’s ‘A Day at the Races’ themed ball.

The ball will be held on Saturday 4th May to commemorate 120 years since the college was founded. It will be sponsored by Royal Ascot.

One of the ball’s main attractions will be a horse hired from the Oxford University Polo Club. It will be tethered at the gates of St Hilda’s to be photographed with all those who attend the ball.

Alex Fisken, Hilda’s Ball President, alleged that last year’s ball sponsor, Tesco, appeared reluctant to renew their sponsorship when told of the horse-related theme.

This follows the recent controversy surrounding the discovery by an Irish Food Standards Agency watchdog that some of Tesco’s own-brand beef burgers contained approximately 29% horsemeat.

When asked about Tesco’s reluctance to sponsor the event, Fisken said, “They were quite amused; I think that they thought that it was funny we were approaching them again in the light of what has happened. We had a bit of a mare to be honest.”

He added that sponsorship was still a bit of an issue for the organising committee, admitting, “We still have a race to run as far as sponsorship goes, a few hurdles to clear, but we have some great ideas as to how to improve this aspect of the ball as the date gets closer and we have already got Royal Ascot on board.”

Yet he was also keen to stress that he and the rest of the ball committee had no bad feelings towards Tesco regarding their reluctance: “Neigh, annoyed would be the wrong word; we’re pretty stable people so it’s really what we expected. Can’t expect them to saddle their name on to an event where an actual horse is going to be greeting people at the entrance can you?”

Yet when Cherwell approached Tesco for comment, a spokesperson said, “We’ve spoken to the store manager, who was completely unaware of this request. We understand that the local store made a donation to the ball last year, and it’s an offer which they’d be happy to repeat this year too.”

However, Fisken explained that they had not yet heard such response from Tesco. He maintained that they had emailed Tesco to confirm whether they would be sponsoring the event following Cherwell’s queries, but that they were still awaiting a reply.

St Hilda’s will be in competition with Lady Margaret Hall, Keble, Brasenose and the Somerville and Jesus joint ball, who have all chosen to hold their balls on 4th May.

Katherine Skingsley, Co-President of the Keble Ball organising committee, seemed confident that the competition would not cause any problems, stating, “Keble Ball has built up a fantastic reputation over the years, and we have in fact already sold out in the general sale for this year! Preparations for the ball are now well under way.”

The controversy surrounding horsemeat in Tesco burgers continued in Cowley last week.

Tesco has recently launched an inquiry after burgers that should have been withdrawn were found on sale at the Cowley Road branch of Tesco in Oxford.

After being tipped off by a customer that shelves were still stocked with the banned burgers, a BBC journalist managed to purchase a box.

A cashier overrode a till alert to sell the burgers, which Tesco had recently ordered to be removed from shelves owing to the recent horse meat contamination scandal.

Tesco have now dropped the supplier of the contaminated burgers, Silvercrest, part of the ABP Food Group.

In response to the incident in Cowley, Tesco said, “Whilst this product was not implicated in the FSAI investigation, and was withdrawn as a precaution, we are urgently investigating how this product came to be on a shelf in store. The block on purchase at the checkout should not have been overridden. We sincerely apologise for this, and we have spoken to the store to ensure that this does not happen again.”

However, first-year language student Chris Allnutt did not seem to feel that an apology was necessary. Instead, he explained his gratitude towards the supermarket, commenting, “Before the Tesco scandal, I was worried there was no real meat in their burgers at all. To have my suspicions proven wrong is refreshing and heartening. It’s nice to know Tesco cares enough about protein levels that they would go out of their way to add some meat, albeit meat of a horsey variety, to my dinner.