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BREAKING: Oxford Union and Student Union to merge into Union Union 

Like this has not already happened right before everyone’s eyes, it was announced today that the Oxford Union, known for its hacks and chums, will merge with the Student Union, known for its jazz hands and vegan sausages. The stellar deal is worth £506 million. The merger organisation will be called the Union Union. 

The new Union Union is sure to think they are way more important than they actually are. New political systems will be in place with a 385436845786-page constitution that absolutely no one will read. The new “Secretary” of the Union Union will be in charge of making sure as many scandals happen as often as possible. Anonymous tipsters will be encouraged to approach newspapers all over the country. 

The new Union Union president is keen to hack double the amount of people that they already do. Lichme Bumcheek shamelessly told Cherwell: “Hello! I hope you are well! Are you a member? Basically, I know we have never met before, lol, but basically I’m running in the Super Union election basically. I am going to be on seccies team for #innovate and would super massively enormously absolutely love for you to pre-register for the vote in 2 months. It would mean a lot :)))) I hope you like all the things that we do not do in office. Would make a massive difference to be supported by a stranger like you. Anyway, let’s go for a coffee sometime? I’d love to meet you! Follow me on Twitter as well! @LichmeBumBum. Cool, see you in the Bridge smoking area, lolol.”

Lots of cancellable speakers will be invited to the Union Union chambers, including activists for the repressed art of hate crime and corrupt billionaires. 

While white tie will be mandatory for debates, speakers will be prohibited from making noise of any kind to keep up with the core culture of the former Student Union. The use of alcohol and drugs will be actively encouraged. 

There will be no toilets in the headquarters, as the Union Union believes that this is a necessary change for the sake of environmentalism, in order to offset the damage caused by the amount of hot air the Union produces regularly. 

The Goldman Sachs executive who mediated the merger deal was the Oxford Union Chief of Hacks’s daddy. He told Oh Well!: “I am wonderfully delighted that my esteemed privilege still serves me well today. It’s marvellous to see our young generations build such valiant characters during their time who won’t get offended by everything! Out with sodding woke bigots!” Little did he know that he would get cancelled upon his first visit to the Union Union.

See the Oh Well and the puzzles section on the back page of print.

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