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Expansionist Balliol College Invades Trinity College

A large force of Balliol College JCR members surrounded the walls of neighboring Trinity College late Tuesday and advaced into Trinity territory in the night. According to the elected general of the Balliol forces, the Balliol JCR “needs more territory to ensure superior social lives for all our members,” and has determined that Trinity College is occupying land that, according to a sharp revanchist outlook not backed by most academics, historically belonged to Balliol college members. “We are trying to set things straight and ensure the glory of Balliol forever,” said the general, who is a second-year reading Classics.

Trinity College, according to sources, was not prepared for the attack and its defenses crumbled rapidly. “We will have our revenge and restore our sovereignty,” said one Trinity student who had fled the oncoming Balliol forces and was taking shelter at Knoops across the street. “Trinity has a right to persist and requires its territorial integrity in order to continue hosting killer commemoration balls,” continued the student as she sipped her hot chocolate and looked longingly toward her occupied homeland. 

The Oxford Student Union condemned the invasion as representing a flagrant disregard for inter-college norms, and pointed to an 1891 statute that bars colleges from forcibly taking social event territory. “We urge the Balliol College JCR to see reason and pull its forces out of Trinity territory without incident.” Nearby New College, concerned about Balliol’s long term ambitions, has threatened to form a coalition of colleges to respond to the invasion. “We believe that force only responds to force, and the inter-college community must not stand for this,” said a representative from New.

Balliol forces, however, have remained firmly entrenched in Trinity’s Kettell Hall, which sources say they intend to turn into a new, expansive college bar for exclusive Balliol use. The President of the Balliol JCR has attempted to justify this action by insisting that, “Balliol will share this new, epic bar space with guests from other colleges and will use the space more effectively and equitably than our neighbors could have” – a narrative the Trinity JCR-in-exile vehemently rejects.

Trinity forces have regrouped in University Parks and appear to be preparing for a counteroffensive with equipment provided by New College, though New has publicly denied its involvement. It seems unlikely, for now, that peace efforts in the form of a proposed MCR formal swap between the belligerents will be successful.

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