Oxford Students have begun to participate in Cambridge University’s new game, “bumpsdaq” – an online fantasy stock exchange based on the crews rowing in their May Bumps, writes Christopher Harris. There are currently two players who admit to studying at Oxford University: Stuart Jones, a member of University College’s first VIII, and an anonymous Merton student who goes by the name of Wonbyafoot. Wonbyafoot is currently doing well in 12th place, having more than doubled his or her original £10 000. But Jones is doing even better in 4th, with £45 433.84. The game currently has around 340 players, all of whom buy and sell shares in crews, and receive dividends on races leading up to the May Bumps depending on how well those crews did.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

The Oxford Union may face awkward questions on Sunday after advertising its speaker as ‘The Crown Prince of Burma’ although neither the country nor the title actually exist. The society’s use of the speaker’s self-given moniker ‘Crown Prince’ is controversial since in his native country of Myanmar, Mr Shwebomin is only a pretender to the royal throne. Currently residing in this country, Shwebomin is said to hold significant sway in Myanmar, but in this country he is more notorious as a London socialite. The Union’s dabbling in the uncertain politics of the small Asian country of Myanmar has caused concern among members, who fear the credibility of the Union might be put at risk. The country in question, located on the Indian subcontinent, has not technically been called Burma since 1989, when its official English name was changed to Myanmar precisely because the ancient name Burma had garnered negative imperial connotations after almost 60 years of British rule in the province. Shwebomin claims to possess documentation purporting to ‘prove’ his status as rightful successor to the Myanmar throne. Although he is almost certainly descended from the line of Emperors which ruled the first Burmese empire, the link does seem somewhat tenuous. His maternal grandmother was the great-great-granddaughter of eighteenth century Emperor Hsinbyushin of the Konebaung dynasty, which would make him an eighth-generation descendant of royalty. Ambrose Faulks, President of the Oxford Union, will say nothing to support or refute the speaker’s claims: “If this issue concerns you,” Faulks told Cherwell, “the best thing to do is to come along on Sunday and make up your own mind”. Last night’s debate was also the subject of contention, since the President objected to an emergency motion that “if God hadn’t meant us to masturbate, he would have given us shorter arms.” Faulks’ principal reason for concern was that this light-hearted motion might afford this “serious institution a reputation for frivolity.” However President-Elect, Marcus Walker did not share Faulks reluctance, quipping, “I’m sure especially Ambrose would not object to mass-debating in the Union.”ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

In what has been breathlessly described as ‘the most exciting Christian Union meeting in the world ever’, the Cambridge CU has introduced the ‘Sex, Fun and Fast Cars Committee’ to replace the ‘Development and Planning Elections Process Review Committee’, which dissolved on Wednesday after its only member failed to turn up, citing “a most disappointing lack of interest.” The name change was proposed by Drew Livingstone, who has already renamed his college JCR ‘the sex club’ in an attempt to attract more people to its legendary six-hour policy meetings.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

Due to a particularly slow news week, the Essex Rabbit set out to tackle the burning issue: ‘Is Essex an ugly University?’ 77% of those surveyed said that it was ugly, but not quite as ugly as Milton Keynes. The investigative team also concluded that “we’re really all just an incredibly fussy bunch who thought we were headed for Baywatch on concrete only to end up feeling cheated.” 12% of those surveyed said Essex was nothing like Baywatch. Meanwhile, an intrepid reporter was sent undercover to find out ‘is Essex just completely devoid of all good looking men?’
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

A criminal investigation is underway at the Glenbrook campus after five students were injured in an annual initiation ritual; one with a broken wrist, one with an allergic reaction to pet food, and the others with minor bruises. The girls were ‘smothered in pet food and fish guts’ by senior students. One mother has already hired an attorney to advise on the college’s legal liability relating to the inferior brand of pet food involved; the 18-year old History student is allergic to all brands of pet food containing ‘reconstituted meat’.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

I don’t mind there being some medievalists around for ornamental purposes, but there is reason for the State to pay for them.” These comments, splashed across the Times Higher Education Supplement on Friday, created a furore in the academic world. Academics are usually defensive about their subject but stung them to learn that these remarks were made by the Education Secretary, Charles Clarke. It would seem that Clarke likes to create controversy in the academic circle. He has upset many students with the likely introduction of top-up fees and is set to interfere with university admissions through his proposed access regulator. However, his latest comments struck at the very heartland of academia in attacking the value of subjects that people have devoted their time (and money) to studying. Regardless of whether he was accurately quoted on Friday morning, Charles Clarke provoked an angry response, with at least one tutor branding him a “lout and a philistine”. Mark Thakkar, of Balliol College, said “Clarke, and other like-minded fools, just don’t have the minimal intellectual ability to see that their arguments apply to most, if not all, academic subjects.” Academics across the field accused Clarke of being against degrees which do not have a “clear usefulness.” The Secretary seemed to imply that some subjects have no use beyond study for study’s sake as they are unlikely to benefit modern society. “The medieval concept of a community of scholars seeking truth,” he remarked “is not in itself a justification for the state to put money into that…they don’t, in my opinion, add up to an explanation or justification for how the state provides resources for universities in the modern world.” Robert Crowe, a Classicist at Lady Margaret Hall, defended his subject, saying “Classics is influential, that is why we study the whole of the civilisation. We see ourselves in classics, we see classics in ourselves, around us in architecture, in our literature, in our politics”. Historians argue, too, that their subjects do provide valuable grounding for future careers and modern society. Dr Mark Whittow, a tutor of medieval history at St Peter’s College, said Oxford students are highly sought after organisations such as the civil service, because of the skills they have picked up. “We are increasingly moving into a world with masses of information and this makes skills of historians more important. History encourages you process large piles of information, argue with it, deploy it for analysis and interpret various forms spin. This is crucial in providing vital intellectual training which can be applied in many careers”. Clarke studied mathematics and economics at Cambridge University. He might believe these subjects to be more useful than history but Professor David Vines, who teaches economics at Balliol College, said that “both subjects are viable in the working of society because of the processes which lie beneath each”. He added that it would be impossible to study one without the other. Of course, economics does prepare students for future careers. Catherine McMillan, an economics and management student, said her subject, “uses and encourages logical thinking, and provides explanations of real world phenomena as well as methods of predicting future happenings.” However, subjects are not simply about obtaining information. Study develops the mind regardless of the content of the subject and Oxford University is keen that people should not be studying simply for their future career. Professor Vines says it is important to remind people of this, that “it is crucial to encourage students to study for pleasure and simply do what interests them.” Clarke has, of course, defended himself, saying that “I am a very strong supporter of the study history, including medieval and classical history, and I believe that the state should fund its study universities”. He also denied ever using the phrase “university medievalists”. His comments, however, will go down in history perhaps the reason he wanted discourage its study.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

The passing of time has always been a fascinating and troubling notion for mankind, and the thought of somehow ‘caging the minute’, to borrow from MacNeice, is inspiration enough for the endeavors of clockmakers. Horological Masterworks , running now in the Museum of the History of Science, takes us through one of the peaks of English engineering, mapping the rise of the pendulum mechanism alongside the careers of several master clock makers. The exhibition passes under four distinct headings, beginning with Prologue – domestic clocks up to about 1660 – and ending with the proud title of Perfection – the pinnacle of seventeenth century clock making. The clocks also reflect British history, their production being greatly encouraged by the restoration of the monarchy in 1660, and the patronage of the Royal Society. Although rather specialised, this is definitely a thought-provoking exhibition: we are presented with examples of clocks ranging from the more basic to the most elaborate: rugged looking ‘lantern clocks’– dented boxes of wheels and cogs held together by springs and brass rods, under the umbrella-like dome of the bell. Further on, both undersized and ostentatious grandfather clocks surround the visitor, with their etched brass faces. As the exhibition nears its end, the clocks become more elaborate, with architectural columns and gleaming silver mounts. Mirrors permit the visitor to view the insides of several clocks, and wonder at the regular rotations of tiny weights and axles. With its detail – running through the list of ‘great’ clock makers, from Fromanteel to Tompion – and several samey examples of each kind clock, this is not a general interest exhibition. And let’s be honest, clocks are just not going to be exciting until you’ve left Oxford behind and are considering soft furnishings and colour schemes. Students might also be put off the numbers of older visitors whose conversations seem to revolve around comparing their grandfather clocks to those of the exhibition, and speculating values. However, these are remarkable examples of ingenuity as well as artistry. Despite the initial clock’s warning that on this moment several samey examples of each kind clock, this is not a general interest exhibition. And let’s be honest, clocks are just not going to be exciting until you’ve left Oxford behind and are considering soft furnishings and colour schemes. Students might also be put off the numbers of older visitors whose conversations seem to revolve around comparing their grandfather clocks to those of the exhibition, and speculating values. However, these are remarkable examples of ingenuity as well as artistry.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003

Truthis a fish. So speaks the hero of Gould’s Book of Fish: A Novel in Twelve Fish (Atlantic Books, £7.99) by Richard Flanagan, a novel by name, but in reality, an extended dramatic monologue. Sent to Australia for every crime you’d care to mention, Billie Gould is given the task by the prison surgeon, one of the many certifiable characters in the novel, to paint exotic fish for the Royal Academy back home in London.
Despite being imprisoned in the Tasmanian settlement of Sarah Island, perhaps the most brutal in the whole British Empire in the first half of the nineteenth century, Gould maintains his honesty, integrity and most importantly, his sense of humour. His aim in the bleak world of beatings, rape and cells which flood every night is to paint the beauty of fish and the cruelty of men. As he writes in one of his early chapters, sorry, early fish, “I am William Buelow Gould… I tell you that I will try to show you everything, mad & cracked & bad as it was”.
It is easy to spot stylistic similarities between Gould’s Book of Fish and Peter Carey’s Oscar and Lucinda. In the descriptions of their shared homeland, both employ a nostalgic prose, the language always maintaining a poetic element (even when describing the way Gould tosses his turds at the prison warden). Likewise the use of a central metaphor around which the narrative revolves is common to both books. Carey chooses a glass church to reflect the vulnerability of the protagonist’s sense of self, one that is liable to crack at any moment while Flanagan, typically, invests something more prosaic, a blowfish for example, with a force of emotion quite unexpected.
The juxtaposition of slimy sea creatures with the beautiful notions of love, truth and freedom lends itself toward bathos, and generally the tone of this novel, which breezes through racism, politics, and technological progress, maintains an objective distance through facetiousness.
The humour, which ranges from the scatological to the satirical to the surreal (I wonder if the author’s mother liked the book’s dedication to her- “My mother is a fish”) is as integral to the style as is the use of Dickensian language and characterisation.
Behind the humour, however, one finds a novel of great merit and depth, constructed in the most poetic language, and not at all about fish.
ARCHIVE: 3rd Week TT 2003