us. Not Christmas, dear readers, but Queer Bop! My bad, Queer Fest. The latter is the more politically correct name for a night of hedonism, homos and hot, hot sex. In my opinion, the word ‘fest’ conjures up far more disturbing images (largely, who knows why, of a scatological nature) than the rather more incongruous ‘bop’ does, but who asked me? The thing is, it’s not a night of hedonism, is it?

Before my first QB I was promised stray digits on the dancefloor, writhing, mutually-penetrating forms littering the marquee, liberal nakedity, copious drug use – I stress that I was planning on taking part in all of these strictly in a voyeuristic capacity. Honest. But it was essentially like a normal bop, with more feathers. Oh, and lots of corsets, the ubiquitous item of choice for the female QB attendee. So flattering on the hanger, but when the world and his gay lover are all wearing one, cruelly unforgiving to the fat girl, simply by Einstein’s rule of chubby-relativity. He actually thought of that after seeing a heffer in a corset. True fact.

There was a penis-shaped bucking bronco at the first QB, to give it its due. But not even the offer of a cheeky digit. I remember coquettishly – if briefly – grinding against someone with a ginger afro but realising that I was about to be sick and making a swift exit. No point really, is there, if the gag reflex is kaput for the night? Admittedly, last year I saw a tit. At the time I breathlessly surmised that it must have been a daring (if bizarre) costume choice but have since been informed that it was more of a tit-tape issue. Sigh.

It does always seem the way with big, talked-up nights in Oxford. Summer balls, for instance. Drinking all night, luxurious clothes, reckless, moist encounters in the Warden’s garden? No. Reality – walking around college in a nice dress holding a box of sausages that I no longer want to eat yet, strangely, am loath to part with. I’ve never been to Piers Gav, admittedly, but I imagine a similar scenario. Promised decadence and debauchery descending into girls called Cassandra chewing their faces off and giving semi-conscious (bitey) blowjobs to boys dressed as woodland creatures.

But this year at QB I plan to ‘really go for it’. I’m thinking vajazzles, boobage, maybe I’ll even encourage a whimsical bit of space dogging (look it up) – although that would call for a creepy amount of forethought. I call upon you, dear readers, to join me. And if not, that girl you’ll see running around with her baps out and a lustful look in her eye? That will be me. That, I repeat, will be me.

A standard way to improve sartorial practice is to read what others have to say about the subject, the opportunities for which overflow from the bookshelves and the magazine racks. The contents of the latter deliver-up as Revealed Truth whatever currently features in fashionable shop windows, most of which is better left on display. Books tend to be more impartial, but the general rule still applies, that the quality of the advice is inversely related to the number of admonishments to buy things, including bald statements that: ‘Every man needs at least five dress shirts, four suits, two pairs of shoes, and polished brass fittings on his mahogany shoe trees.’

Having made something of a study of these books, the advice from In the Closet is to begin and end with The Modern Gentleman: A Guide to Essential Manners, Savvy & Vice. Anything written by two chaps named Phineas Mollod and Jason Tesauro must be fabulous, and it is. Be not alarmed, but comforted, that the title makes no reference to ‘style’, ‘dress’ or ‘fashion’, for while these matters are dealt with in due course, the book’s main achievement is to imbue readers with that particular lightness of being that derives from confidence, or at least capability, in all types of social intercourse. People in this state of mind naturally make better selections from their own closet, and regardless, seem to be appreciated as having done so by those whom they encounter in their jocund run of life.

The worst of the lot, or at least representative of this, is called Mr Jones’ Rules for the Modern Man. It is by Dylan Jones, presently the editor of the magazine GQ UK, a kind of soft core sartorial pornography. The book amounts to a pallid extension of this, a series of poorly-aimed thrusts plainly designed to stoke the consumptive impulse. Hence, aphorisms like ‘a gentleman never wears brown shoes at night’ masquerade as ‘practical advice’, next to instructions on how to read a newspaper without actually reading a newspaper. Thankfully, the latter works for magazines, too.

JCR Football Premier Division

Wadham 1

On a positively balmy afternoon, Merton/Mansfield took to the pitch against a testing Wadham side, following an unlucky loss to Worcester. The sides know each other well, after the two captains shared a half-naked bear hug at Park End just a couple of weeks before.
The match started ferociously, with many bone-crunching tackles drawing incomprehensible appeals from the variety of regional accents present. Merton/Mansfield began to dominate, with the otherwise silky-footed Ben Franz producing his trademark six-yard miss, but following a horrendous shank over the bar Sam Firman atoned with a well-taken goal on the half-hour courtesy of an excellent Robbie Coleman pass. Witnesses verify it was actually aimed wide towards the wing, but still cleverly managed to bisect the centre-backs.
The second half saw Wadham still battling but unable to threaten thanks to hard work from M&M midfielders Adam ‘Stabby’ Harris and Joe ‘Sideshow Bob’ Chrisp. After a couple of half-chances, Tom Young skinned his defender before firing home, sparking wild celebrations from the massed substitutes. This only revitalised Wadham, and after a shot flashed inches wide and another forcing Guido Pagani into a magnificent ‘television’ save they forced one home late on. However, the best chance in the dying minutes fell to Ms’ Jamie Cooper, somehow missing from two yards with the keeper on the floor.
Ultimately Merton/Mansfield just had too much, with solid defensive performances from Dan ‘Fresh-Meat’-Hunter, Dan ‘Is’ Camp and Yannick ‘The Grappler’ Young ably assisted by tireless performances from Ali Colin-Jones and Ho-Joon Kim, Merton/Mansfield’s very own Dirk Kuyt and Park Ji-Sung. Wadham will hope to build on a fighting display which will doubtless test many other teams this season.

Jeff Burgin

JCR Football Reverves Cuppers

Oriel II 9

After Brasenose III’s previous 8-7 victory against Magdalen II, the entirety of the pre game tactics was focused on defence. The aim for the next game was to try and reduce the number of goals conceded; something that we thought was within our reach.

The game started well. Brasenose III’s went 3-0 up within 5 minutes as some rather dubious goal keeping opened the door for the clinical Brasenose strikers. 7-1 up after half time, Brasenose’s pre game focus on defence seemed to be working a treat.

As often happens, complacence then set in as the solid centre back Ricky Martin was moved up front in an attempt to allow him to score his first ever goal in two years of football for Brasneose. Needless to say, the move backfired and Oriel sniffed the chance to get back into the game. Some fluid football form Oriel brought the score to 7-4 after 10 minutes of the second half. Brasenose, taking inspiration from the Barca and Brazil teams of old, soon adopted the mentality that defence was unnecessary; as long as they scored more than the opposition. It seemed like the aggressive attitude was to pay off with our very own Ronaldinho soon putting Brasenose 9-5 ahead.

But in the dying minutes of the game Oriel fought hard and brought the score back to 9-7. Added time ticking into its 9th minute, the mighty Brasenose manage to slot in a tenth but a draw still seemed on the cards as Oriel sneaked two cheeky goals in the 10th and 11th minutes of injury time. However thankfully, after a century of hard fought minutes, the whistle was blown and the game won by Brasenose. An epic by anyone’s standards, the game will live long in the memory of those who had the honour to play in it.

Marco Francescon

JCR Women’s Netball

Merton vs Somerville

As the days get colder, courts get icier, and netball shorts become more and more inappropriate, we are now half way through term and the stakes are raised as the top teams battle it out for promotion or to avoid relegation.

After a late start at the Worcester courts, Somerville immediately took possession of play, with excellent interceptions from Centre Juliet Wesley, who has been given the title of Man of the Match for nearly all games this term. Despite controlling the majority of passes for the first half, shooting difficulties caused by strong play from the Jesus defence meant that Somerville had problems converting possession into goals. By the end of the first half the score was only 2-1 to Somerville. In the second half, however, Somerville’s defence and excellent shooting from new addition to the Somerville team Flora Graham meant that Somerville increased their lead – although an inexperienced umpire unfortunately resulted in increasingly messy play from both teams. Despite some dubious footwork, the final score to Somerville was a well deserved 4-2, with Juliet winning Man of the Match.

Meanwhile, across Oxford at the LMH courts, the red shorts of Somerville were once more braving the cold as their second team prepared for a Division 5 match against Merton. Although fortunes have been mixed for our second Somerville team this term, spirits were still high for a team that plays as much for crew dates as for athletic acclaim! This match however turned out to be one of the high points of Somerville B’s term.

Somerville gained an immediate advantage on the court, ensured once again by some excellent play by Juliet against a very animated male Merton player, and some characteristically loud and over-enthusiastic cuts by ex-captain Clare Phipps in GD. Somerville converted this advantage into a steady increase in goal difference resulting from some consistent shooting from Elie McDaniell, a chameleon on the netball court as often found as GD as GA. Merton were prevented from fighting back by some incredibly feisty marking and the final score was 11-6.

Clare Phipps