During the summer vacation, I decided to reach out to a friend I’ve known for more than seven years. We graduated from high school together, each moved to UK universities, and are both navigating the second-year experience of applying to internships, studying, and socialising. Yet, despite the parallels between our lives, I hadn’t seen my friend since last December. We didn’t text everyday or call very often. Our communication at university went no further than the occasional Instagram comment.
So naturally, when I asked them to meet up, a question nagged at my mind: “If we’re not sending each other constant updates, are things going to be awkward?”
Coming to university, I realised that the stable, effortless reliability of my friends from home was, all of a sudden, precarious and difficult to maintain. As if turning off a light, the brightness of a friendship can abruptly dim when both of you are dealing with the hurdles of Freshers’ Week, getting used to the workload, and settling into a new routine. Finding time to text can feel impossible, and, before you know it, you haven’t talked in a month. Or two. Anxious thoughts creep into your head. Without even realizing it, you’ve managed to convince yourself that someone who was once a dear friend is now a complete stranger.
Then I met my friend. Jokes galore, laughs about, memories resurfacing, and promises to call more often. Talking with my friend, I realised that time and distance do not have to strain a relationship. Leading separate lives does not negate what you had in the past, nor does it define your future. Not only did our conversation go well, we even spoke about reaching out to more old friends.
I explained how it felt weird to call up a friend at a random time, in those moments where you’re alone in your room and have nothing to do. Aren’t I intruding into their personal lives? What if they’re busy? Aren’t I annoying them with my pestering? My friend’s response to these worries changed my perception completely about reaching out: “When you get a call from an old friend, don’t you get a warm fuzzy feeling inside?”
I am here to tell you to reject the thoughts of doubt. When you flip the situation, you realise receiving a text from someone you’ve known for such a long time is not just a welcome surprise; it’s also one of those things that makes you wonder why you hadn’t thought of it yourself. Speaking with my friend helped me realise how the barrier to reaching out is really just a mental one. Especially in our digital age, where sending a message is instantaneous, emotional distance to someone is only created in your own imagination. Making the first move then becomes a matter of experience. The more you do it, the easier it becomes to keep in touch.
Now don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t always work out. Sometimes you’re left on delivered, or even worse, read. A change in mindset is what I propose: being left on read by a friend could be their own mistake! Assuming malice or ignorance is merely jumping to conclusions with little evidence, which, as Oxford students, we should understand is not always rational. If not, however, we’ve arrived at our worst-case scenario. Congrats! Rock bottom, as it turns out, is not so bad. Unfortunately, growing apart is a part of growing up. Not everyone you reach out to is going to rekindle a flame of friendship.
Rejection from one, however, does not equal rejection from all. To let one sad experience colour your view of how every instance of reaching out will go is a mistake. This leads me to my next point, which is: double texting is not the end of the world! In stressful times like the beginning, or even the middle, of university, it’s not unusual for texts and calls to get lost. The art of reaching out includes being alright with the ‘embarrassment’ of saying “hi” multiple times, and to multiple people.
But when all seems lost, when a person insists on staying a brick wall to your texts, perhaps it becomes time to move on. This is alright too. Reaching out requires balance: being brave enough to poke a friend, but also recognising when your efforts should lie elsewhere. After all, you’re at Oxford now! Seeking out new friends should also be a part of your goals. The interesting point about reaching out is that it also helps build your skills in finding friends. Just like meeting new people, breaking the silence requires confidence, acceptance that rejection is possible, and the chance to train a muscle everyone should build.
To end on a happier note, I am glad to say reaching out to my friend led her to visiting me in Oxford. My two worlds collided, and I couldn’t be more excited about the way a balance could be created between my old life and my new one. This is a call to all Oxford students: reach out to your old companions, you might never know what could come of it.
