CW: This is a mildly comedic column written by a drag queen agony aunt. It is not for the faint hearted, and contains sensitive topics which may cause distress to some readers.
Your favourite depraved, debaucherous drag-ony aunt is back! Aunt Rusty is back, and here to help with your silly little lives. She’s dishing out important life advice five hundred words at a time, all out of the goodness of her heart (and the need for charity work to count towards her parole).
Remember to submit your questions through the link on the Cherwell Facebook page or @rustykatedrag’s Instagram – you’re guaranteed complete anonymity. Loose lips sink ships, and Rusty is anything but loose.
Right, onto the issues you couldn’t fit into this week’s counselling service session…
Dear Rusty, Someone shat in my front garden last night. I’ve reported it to the police, but I don’t know what to do with the actual poo. I wish this was a joke. Thanks for your help, Confused in Cowley
Look, there’s no need to get the actual police involved. I’m sure the perpetrator of this faecal fiasco just needed to drop off a little parcel on their way home from the Bullingdon – you know what the toilets are like in there! I’d take a nice, soft grassy patch in the front garden of an unsuspecting Cowley resident over the syphilitic toilet seats in that ‘club’ any day. Who wants to catch worms for a THIRD time? Not me! As much as it’s an inconvenience to you, you need to put yourself in the other person’s shoes – they really needed that shit, and your front garden was a welcoming host.
If you’re looking for something to do with the remains, I’m sure a shit from a high-fibre diet will make excellent manure. Oh, and word of advice – take out the nettles by your front gate. My ankle is still a little swollen.
Dear Rusty, I think I might be unlovable. But only to the people I want. Please advise
At least you’re self-aware enough to ask the question. I’ve also experienced problems with self- worth before too, so I understand where you’re coming from. It happens every time I go on a date – the men I’m seeing are always so nervous and filled with self-doubt that most of them don’t even turn up! They just never think they’re good enough for me, and I’m left there, drinking a bottle of wine to myself.
Anyway, enough about me – let’s talk about untouchable, dysfunctional, unlovable you! And let’s not limit it to only the people you want – people you don’t want might find you repulsive too. I have a little insider knowledge as I can see who sends the questions, so I know for a FACT that most people would probably find you repulsive. Maybe stick to your natural hair colour and whack a bit of concealer on that facial mole – it’s the least you can do so that the rest of us can keep our dinner down.