This mildly comedic column has been written by a drag queen agony aunt. It is not for the faint hearted and contains sensitive topics which may cause distress to some readers. Be prepared for dirty douche water, relationship issues, adultery, and finding out why your Dad never loved you.

Hate men? Losing the will to live? Wondering how to remove that Alpecin-Caffeine shampoo bottle from your arse? Good old Aunt Rusty is here to help!

Rusty Kate is Oxford’s premier cum-filled crossdresser, known for turning looks, tricks, and straight men seven nights a week. She’s decided to take a short break out of her busy schedule of carrying Plush’s Drag & Disorderly shows to act as Cherwell’s Dragony Aunt, and help sort out your pathetic little lives one horrendously uncensored column at a time.

Remember to submit your questions through the link here – you’re guaranteed complete anonymity. Unless you lose an Alpecin-Caffeine shampoo bottle up your arse (looking at you, Ben Jureidini).

Right, onto the issues that the SU are currently writing some very important petitions to the university about…

Dear Rusty, I think I fell in love with one of my closest friends last term. I thought the separation from her over the vac would help me come to my senses, but I think I’m still in love with her. Is it in my head? Am I confusing close friendship with romance? Do I tell her knowing she probably doesn’t feel the same? Help an emotionally confused gal out Rusty xx

Love is always in the head, dear. Just give her some and I’m sure she’ll give you a yes or no answer.

You do need to tell her how you feel, though. There’s no use bottling all it up just for it to all come squirting out later (that’s how lesbianism works, right?). In the words of the great Macklemore, love is love, and by the sounds of it, you’ve got some loving to give her.

Romance and close friendship can be hard to separate, especially as queer people – we shag our friends, and are borderline celibate with our partners. Why not ask her out with the angle of an open relationship? Those always go well!

How the hell do I find someone who is not completely insane, not a weirdo and just interested in something casual? I want a no strings casual hook up – is that too much for a girl to ask for? I’m dying here, Rusty, help. Where are all the hot men hiding?

Darling, the answer is simple – all hot men who are completely devoid of attachment or any ability to sustain intimacy are gay. You’ll find a plethora of options on Grindr – bisexuals and homoflexibles alike will be perfectly happy to give you everything and more, as long as it’s seen as casual. They don’t want to meet your parents, but they will

pound you close enough to death that you’ll be meeting your maker. Just remember, the diamond emoji doesn’t mean they like jewellery – you’ll need to bring something smokable for those types.

How can I get out there without using dating apps?

Go out there just like your mother used to do, the good old-fashioned way. I’ve heard the hard shoulder on the M40 is a good place to meet people.

For Cherwell, maintaining editorial independence is vital. We are run entirely by and for students. To ensure independence, we receive no funding from the University and are reliant on obtaining other income, such as advertisements. Due to the current global situation, such sources are being limited significantly and we anticipate a tough time ahead – for us and fellow student journalists across the country.

So, if you can, please consider donating. We really appreciate any support you’re able to provide; it’ll all go towards helping with our running costs. Even if you can't support us monetarily, please consider sharing articles with friends, families, colleagues - it all helps!

Thank you!