Such a sad tale prepare to hear
As draws from either sex a tear.
A Moon Cup- meant to help provide
A green approach to the red tide-
I loathe to say, was doomed of late
Unto a dark and heinous fate.
It boasts a flowery stem, and yet
This cup’s no shrinking violet;
While stream of Tampax seaward flows,
Refusing there to decompose,
For years one Moon Cup may be kept
Each month to plumb the bloody depths.
Its snug fit forms a splash-proof seal
To trap that cumbrous crimson yield
Which brings relief to those who daren’t,
This month at least, become a parent.
While some grab Kotex by the handful-
Condemn their liners to the landfill-
Those who want to save the earth
Must first contend with Moon Cup’s girth.
Beware the sizing! Moon Cup yawns
As broad as silicone Don Juan.
The site warns ‘large’ had been designed
With those who’d given birth in mind.
Once in, the Cup tenacious clings
More tightly than a liner’s wings;
And wedged securely in the breach
It sups as well as any leech.
For umpteen hours in this pose
One Moon Cup to the challenge rose,
Resisting all attempts to boot
It from its wearer’s baby chute.
For hours one can safely sport
A rubbery chalice of this sort-
Alas, one wench misjudged her size
And could not wrest it from her thighs.
‘Insert a finger, break the seal,’
Such wisdom did the website yield.
But Moon Cup darted skittish back
From every digit’s bold attack:
At each touch fled, as though ashamed,
Back to the depths from whence it came.
As hours passed, and terror rose,
Its wearer entered panic’s throes.
Distressed by this and by exams,
Her cooch snapped shut like frightened clam.
This tale’s conclusion hangs unknown:
Was e’er Cup from his seat dethroned?
’Tis rumoured she produced a spoon
To dig him from his bloody tomb;
While there are voices, hushed, who say
The Moon Cup clings there to this day.
But pay no heed to this my tale.
Such fantasies should not prevail
O’er Moon Cup’s low-cost, waste-free way
Of coping with one’s Dolmio day.
With time and practice, then with ease:
The cup can exit as you please.
Disclaimer: menstrual cups can provide a sustainable alternative to single use sanitary products, but, like any medical device, should be used according to the manufacturer’s instructions. Direct any concerns to your health professional.
