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Lady Pat R. Honising: Frisky Friendships

What to do when the boundary between friendship and relationship is blurred...

Dear Lady Pat,

I write to you, as you may expect, in a state of dire embarrassment, shame and confusion. 
As I’m sure you know, the barrier between friends and something more are sometimes a bit blurry: you live together, you cook together, you study together, you get pissed together, you cry together. You’re so close all the time and know people very well, sometimes too well.

That’s where the problem started, the other night my friend and I crossed this elusive invisible barrier to the other side of the friendship zone…

After a couple of glasses of wine, at a pretty tame formal, we ended up going back to my room to chill, and it turned into more than just a casual chat. The bed was too tempting, we started kissing, the clothes came off and then, we had sex. 

If anything the most confusing part of the whole experience is that we were only a little tipsy and we were definitely both sober enough to know that we knew we both wanted to. It was so good and tender and caring, didn’t feel just casual shag. 

Does this mean we actually have deeper feelings or we have a lot better sexual chemistry than we realised?
It’s been a couple of days and I haven’t seen him yet. Do we talk about it? Do we let it slide? What should I do? I don’t know how to act. 

Please please help me,

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie

I do love a bit of friendship group scandal (it’s the drama Mick, I love it). A tipsy shag was probably the defining feature of my Oxford experience (back in the 60s of course), and they can be some of the best or some of the most painfully, horrifyingly, toe-curlingly awkward experiences of your life! Let’s hope it’s the first!

Jamie darling, I may be wrong, but it definitely feels like this had been in the works for a while. If it was tender and caring, it would suggest that this isn’t just you both getting some of the fourth week stress out through some… physical activity. It seems like there is something between you, even if it’s not something that you’d let yourself think about before. The first thing to do is figure out what you want. Just a friend? A casual now-and-again kind of thing? A full blown relationship? I know these are big scary questions, but it’s much better to figure it out now than in a month when things could have got very messy indeed.

The other side is of course, the feelings of the young man you’ve been fornicating with. Obviously the proper advice is to have a big adult conversation with him and explore how you feel but… I also wouldn’t be above asking a mutual friend if they can do a little bit of research on your behalf and figure out if you’re on the same page before you make a move/emphasise the friendship/try to hook up again. From the sounds of it you’re fairly open minded about the whole situation, so there’s no harm in figuring out what the possibilities might be.

In the immediate future though, I’d focus on that all-important first meeting. The main thing to do is act casual, even if you’re inwardly absolutely shitting it. Try not to ignore the subject altogether: you don’t want a big old elephant in the room to follow you around for the rest of your degree. Depending on how you feel, you could make a flirty remark or just a pally joke, but much better to deal with it before it becomes a big deal – better out than in, I always say. 

If you’re good enough friends to be having late night one-on-one chats, your friendship will be strong enough to get through this, regardless of whether it’s a one-off thing or more. Don’t worry darling, I’ve shagged literally hundreds of my friends (don’t tell my husband), and I’m rich, adored, and going strong!

Life laugh love,

Lady Pat R. Honising xxxxxx

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