Dear Agony Aunt,

It’s getting close to the end of my last year in Oxford… so close that I am writing to you instead of revising for my final tomorrow. That’s part of the issue – as the Lord above famously said, you aren’t really graduating Oxford unless you come out with a first, a spouse, or a blue, and I am currently on track to approximately zero of these things. Is it possible to get at least one in the three short weeks I have left here?

Lots of love,
A Frolicking Finalist

Dear Anon,

It’s a tough one my dear, I won’t beat around the bush. It is hard enough getting through scraping a low 2.i, a few unsuccessful tinder dates and an unused gym membership, nevermind a first, a spouse and a blue (I would know). But if we talk it through, however unlikely, you can take inspiration from the posters in the kitchens of all the yummy mummies in the nation and say that anything is possible. 

If we’re going to do this, we should start by realistic. Judging by the fact that you’re writing this the day before a final, I’ll be honest, it might be tactical to admit to yourself that you might have to narrow your pursuits to the latter two achievements. A first unfortunately doesn’t happen overnight, honey. I don’t know much about your sporting prowess either; it may be that it is somehow possible to get that sweet, sweet blue (but more importantly that sweet, sweet varsity profile picture) in three weeks, I quite honestly would not know. But, realistically, somehow I doubt that one too. It looks like finding a potential partner it is – so get in loser, we’re going spouse searching.

So you may be thinking, is it possible to find a partner for life in the space of three short, finals-infested weeks? It may not be the most likely of outcomes, but compared to the other two it’s certainly the easiest task ahead. There are several methods you could take depending on how #risky or how #academicallynegligent you’re feeling. You’ve got finals on the horizon, so unless you’re taking them in college, what place better and with more potential than Exam Schools: it’s practically the Love Island Villa of Central Oxford. Who needs to spend that tense fifteen minutes in the Big Sweaty Anticipation Tent looking over their notes, when you can don your spiciest sub fusc and get on the chirpse. Really, I’m sure absolutely everybody will appreciate being hit on in this environment, honest!

Hopefully your better judgement told you that the previous method is probably not going to land you with anything other than a restraining order, and that it’s time for plan B. Whilst it’s probably not the most ideal place to find the love of your life (think less Villa, more Casa Amor), there’s always the ever-reliable eighth week club scene. According to several recent and accurate studies, some of the strongest relationships have started on the Bridge dancefloor, and I’m sure if you give them a shoutout in your vows you’ll probably get free queue jump and maybe even a drinks token if you’re lucky. So don’t give up hope just yet – dress to the nines and hit Park End Street with nothing but your provisional license and some fierce determination. Keep it respectful, somehow I am sure the fit girl you meet in the smoking area would probably not appreciate a proposal right there and then, but with the right kind of luck, you never know.

Best of luck, and remember to send your Auntie dearest a wedding invite when the time comes,

Lady Pat xxx 

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