Dear Lecture Bae,

Picture this – it was October 2016, I was a bright eyed and hopeful English fresher heading to my first, and arguably worst lecture of the year. It was an idyllic time, we all thought Trump had no chance, and I had yet to miss a deadline. I sat down next to you – your slightly wavey garms were a breath of fresh air from the normie boys of my pre-Oxford days.

We exchanged an inane bit of fresher small talk, but alas, that was that. There have been others, I won’t lie. I was briefly infatuated by other lecture hall eye candy, from brooding literature boy who would probably read me Byron and talk to me about how second wave feminist criticism had done Rochester a disservice. But his sulky face and inattention during lectures put me off. Then there was the one with curtains, the weirdly old looking one…yet it all brought me back to you – you were always there to distract me when the lecturer had gone off on a tangent, me imagining whole conversations, our marriage, our children! Sometimes I’d even see you outside the hallowed halls of the St Cross building, in Cellar (of course), your awkwardly long limbs flailing in your own endearing approximation of dancing.

Then rolls along second year, I still see you, every week; keenly looking down at whoever is rambling on, me looking up imagining something more earthly than the religious ecstasy of middle English lyrics. Yet, I still haven’t made a move and, to be honest, I don’t really want to. At this point I’ve forgotten your name and imagining all the things you could be is much more fun than the reality – you could only really let me down at this point.

Now, as we enter into the vac, your face is fading from my mind’s eye, I probably won’t even think about you. But that doesn’t matter, you were never a viable option, I just like having you there as my trusty distraction during dull academic sermons. I might even meet someone who I’ll actually speak to, but even then I know I don’t have to worry because you’ll be waiting for me/our lecturer when I get back.

Lecture Creep xoxo

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