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    Oliver’s Twist: Left Behind

    According to Netflix, ‘this film is ominous’ and ‘full of suspense’. May I also add ‘absolutely shite’? I honestly can’t remember the last time I watched quite such a ridiculous film. Chad Michael Murray isn’t even sporting luscious blond hair, and Cassi Thomson has the acting ability of a porn star. Nicholas Cage (not that I’ve ever actually liked him) was unable to save this film’s mediocrity, although he was certainly less tragic than Chad, with his brainless one-liners – something I shall revisit. Left Behind has a 1-star rating on Netflix, and the most recent member review voices a confusion as to whether the movie is supposed to be a thriller or a comedy.

    The basic plot line follows an Evangelic Christian belief that, one day, God will quite literally abduct all Christian believers from Earth and ‘save’ them in Heaven. About halfway through the film, there is a brief flash and millions of people disappear, including the brother of the main character, Chloe (Thomson). These people even leave behind all their clothes – all those nasty sinful snapbacks and Paul’s Boutique undergarments! The rest of the film follows Chloe’s treasure hunt to find her brother (no, he’s not in your handbag), and her father’s (Cage) attempt to land a plane without co-pilot or fuel; not that a lack of fuel has anything whatsoever do to with people vanishing…. God decided to remove the believers during the flight, not before. But never fear! For Chad Michael Bloody Murray is here! Together the daring duo must try to land the plane on an empty highway in Queens, New York.

    But the problems do not stop there: Chloe is trying to clear the highway using a car that she’s found, but the telephone signal keeps cutting out! “Keep trying!” Cage says to Chad. “I will!” Chad says to Cage, shaking his cellphone. “No!” Chad exclaims when they run out of fuel. But Chad has a plan… “Go on your phone and open the compass app!” he cries heroically to Chloe from the cockpit of the plane. But even after superb compass app usage, they still can’t see the highway! Chloe needs to make some sort of signal so Nicholas and Chad can see her from the plane. “Can you see me? I’m flashing my lights!” she wails. Chloe, not even Nicholas Watery-Eyed Cage and Chad Michael Murray can see your headlights flashing when they’re 1000 feet in the air flying over New York, you stupid, stupid girl. But of course, there is something that can be blown up in the vicinity. So Chloe whips out her lighter and blows up a load of oil barrels which are just standing there on the highway. And so, through admirable use of the compass application, Nicholas Cage manages to land a plane. The end, and thank God.

    If you are ever inclined to watch respected actors making a fool of themselves or a film which completely takes the Michelle out of religion, Left Behind is for you.

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