Christ Church second-year Inigo Lapwood has been banned from entering Christ Church until the beginning of the next academic year – except when attending tutorials. The ban was issued after he used a home-made flamethrower at a college party at the end of Michaelmas.
The second year also made headlines this year for choosing to live in a houseboat. Due to his unconventional living circumstances, the ban will present a challenge to Lapwood, as it will remove access to the sanitation available in college that he had been reliant on. Despite this, he remained upbeat about the potential consequences of his punishment.
He told Cherwell, “I feel this ban may actually help my degree. It is an important and popularfact that all the best philosophers have bitching beards. I currently have neither a shower norworking sink in my accommodation, and was relying on college for basic hygiene. I now lack the ability to either shower or shave, and can onlyassume this will lead to a marked improvement in my collections results.”
Lapwood seemed remarkably grateful to have got off so lightly for his pyrotechnic mischief. Early reactions from the police suggested that he could face criminal charges, but Lapwood said the authorities need not worry. He commented, “I don’t think I pose a continued safety risk to other members of college, but the ban is more punitive than protective. I don’t really mind this: I’ve since been informed that if it is classified as a flamethrower then it’s illegal under the Geneva Convention. Given that I’m not currently standing trial for war crimes (simply for the sake of a pun), pretty much any punishment seems contextually lenient.”
Lapwood had built the weapon using parts from a nail gun, a diesel engine glow plug and a canister of butane gas in what a Univ third year called “Blue Peter-grade arms manufacturing.” The flamethrower was complemented by a similarly handcrafted cardboard cut-out of a space invader, which completed his ‘Arcade Fire’ costume.
Otamere Guobadia, a second-year and self-described “inappropriate fancy dress enthusiast” said, “I think we should be celebrating Lapwood’s dedication to extreme, guerrilla physical comedy. As far as costumes go, he’s set the bar for college parties and bops all across Oxford, and has revived a fancy-dress scene that is otherwise plagued by Primark onesies and half-hearted face paint. He is so committed to levity that he was willing to endanger people’s lives, not least his own. I think such determination is laudable in any field, and I will be attempting to trend the hashtag #prayforInigo. you should do the same.”