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Ollie Waring has published 5 articles

Blue Moon, you won't be standing alone

Ollie Waring identifies the reason why we're all uncontrollably aroused by those Dark Blue blazers
Ollie Waring on Friday 16th March 2012
Photograph: Wikipedia Commons

It has recently been announced that Oxford women are more fervently drawn to Blues players than any other University members. This is purely because of their superior, in-depth knowledge of their respective sports, and has nothing at all to do with the fact that they’re generally tall, dark-haired and brooding, and “I’d had a bottle and a half of wine before we even hit the bar”.

This pioneering breakthrough was discovered accidentally by a student during a night out at Bridge. “Conversation revolving around exceptional tactical astuteness has been clinically shown to be the key to unlocking a woman’s heart,” he explained. “And trust me: I’m a first-year medic, so everything I say that has any sort of link to the human anatomy must be completely correct.”

Such views are evidenced across the student population, as one Camera frequenter confirmed: “Every time I enter the club I can’t help but be drawn to the VIP rugby Blues table - the extensive discussions about advanced counter-rucking make me weak at the knees! The iron-strong pecks and lean upper thighs are nothing but a distraction: one mention of the word 'maul' is all it takes for me to turnover!”

Another club-circuit regular displayed a similar unsuppressed instinct, saying, “I know it sounds primitive, animalistic and downright morally degrading, but I just can’t get enough of the strategic nuances of approaching a 148 finish in darts. You just don’t get that level of expertise at college level.”

It is thought that these findings may provide answers to wider issues experienced in the game outside of the Oxford bubble. Footballing oracle Mark Hannay hypothesised, “It’s why chants at football matches are centred on player controversies and the continual abuse of the opposition fans. If the crowd bellowed out 'And we’re playing 4-2-3-1 ‘cos we can' to the tune of 'She’ll be coming round the mountain' every time their number 10 exploited the hole between defence and midfield, the female members of the crowd wouldn’t be able to control themselves. There’d be full on riots!”

Football psychologist Ben Dover added, “If women weren’t so irrationally aroused every time we provide comprehensive analysis of the game, then maybe footballing crowds wouldn’t be forced into full-on pitch invasions, violent hooliganism and racial abuse. If we can’t sing about the benefits of zonal marking without causing instant mayhem then what can we do to pass the time but throw flares into each other’s faces?”

It is hoped that this discovery will put to rest any unfounded offence which Blues-pursuing women may have suffered, as footballing WAG Fawn Dilmabawl elaborated, “My friends all say I just shagged him because he’s got a Blue, and it’s about as close as I’m going to get to bashing the Tabs. But since this development the abuse has completely stopped: one even suggested that if I get through the whole starting eleven, maybe by the end of Hilary I’ll understand the offside rule!”

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