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Balliol shell-shocked after tortoise’s death

Balliol students have expressed their sadness at the death of their college tortoise, Matilda.

The tortoise, estimated to be 17 years old, did not wake up from hibernation. It is thought that a prolonged illness and a particularly cold winter contributed to his death.

Balliol JCR President, Iain Large, said, “Such a loss can never be easily borne, but with welfare provisions and Testudinal memorial services at full deployment levels, we believe that we can pull through as a community.”

Matilda was donated to the college in 2006 by Oxford alumnus Chris Skidmore. He also donated Matilda’s sister, Sampras, to Christ Church College at the same time.

The role of tortoise carer is a JCR official position, currently held by Jack Gilbert and Michael Marks. The constitution states that the role of Comrade Tortoise is to care for the tortoise and train him for the inter-collegiate tortoise races.

Marks said, “My fellow Comrade Tortoise, Jack Gilbert, and I are indeed extremely upset about the death of Matilda. He had in fact been ill for quite a long time, hence why Balliol did not participate in last year’s race.”

Both Comrades have come under scrutiny following last Sunday’s JCR meeting which launched an enquiry into the reasons for Matilda’s death.

Iain Large stated that Gilbert and Marks have “not had the most successful time in office, with 100% of the college’s tortoise community dead under their auspices.” He added, however, they may still be redeemed if they can find a replacement tortoise.

The JCR have added to their Standard Policy that the student body will “endeavour to replace Matilda with a new, not-ill, race-winning, tortoise, as soon as possible.”

The JCR has also ruled that the Comrades Tortoise will have to run the tortoise race if a replacement tortoise cannot be found in time. The Comrades Tortoise will be forced to eat an entire lettuce before starting in order to combat the natural advantage of a human over a tortoise in a race.

The College Hall has also resolved to serve only lettuce for an entire day in a move that Large states is a “sign of respect”. He added, “Slow but steady she may have been, but in the race to our hearts, Matilda was the clear winner.”

Michael Webb, a first year Balliol student, stated that Matilda was a “wonderful, warm and compassionate tortoise” that Balliol “loved and will mourn as a friend.”

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