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How to… go on a crew date

As with every part of our damned society and miserable life, Oxford has a hierarchy. And the worst thing that could possibly happen to you would obviously be being stuck on the wrong rung of that fancy and elusive ladder. The first step into the esteemed and crucial heights of Oxonian hierarchy is a crewdate. If you don’t crewdate, don’t expect to be featured on VERSA’S Top 10 Coolest Students (now that is the real dreaming spire). Don’t expect freshers to know your name. Don’t expect anyone to attach any worth to you. 

Now. You’re on a crewdate. (Well done). If you want to fit in, there are several traditions you need to learn about. 

First is simple and must be followed with the utmost of casual and false spontaneity. This is pennying. Pennying derives from the unit of currency – a penny, and is used in crewdates. The idea is to throw a penny into someone’s drink when they have their hand clasped around the glass. They then must down their drink. This is in the hope that you will a) get bronze poisoning b) catch Ebola c) swallow the penny, and consequently throw up everywah (erupting both the penny and your dignity out of your mouth).

So that’s pretty easy. Make sure to go to the bank in advance, and change a couple of £20 notes into pennies. This will emphasise the root of the tradition, which is erudite debauchery. It’s often successful if you chuck the penny into someone’s drink whilst laughingly crying, “Ha! I have so much money! What to do with it all?”

Sconcing is a step up from pennying, because it relies upon more than just alcohol consumption. Sconcing is a game where the group try and ridicule others, and also find out what super banterous legendary events others have committed. The best advice for this is just consistent and unceasing dishonesty. Drink constantly. At every sconce down your drink. Make sure to drink at length, so that the whole table may see that you indeed have committed said named act. 

If people seem to be starting to doubt you, then give a little laugh and exclaim your disbelief that everyone knows your stories so well. At a few points in the evening, it will be necessary for you to sconce someone yourself. If you are not indeed friends with anyone on the crewdate, the best thing is to simply make up very elaborate and niche stories (my usual one is “I sconce anyone who had sex on the Cheese Floor whilst eating a kebab”). Then if no one else drinks, just drink yourself and say, “Whoops, I forgot that was me!”

These stories will be remembered, which means the more crewdates you go on, the more people can sconce you. And then it becomes less dishonest. I mean yes, admittedly you still didn’t do any of these things, but if they all believe you did, then soon you will believe it too. And that, along with the crewdates, will bring you one step closer to being cool.

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