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A view from the cheap seat

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears…I would like to make a formal complaint to the Oxford Constabulary following a recent a series of recent assaults which have taken place at various Oxford theatres.

On Tuesday I decided to tell the doctor about my deafness following a recent show at the BT. Turns out my right ear does not work anymore. Apart from the issue of ear damage, I am considering asking for compensation because most of the play consisted of obnoxiously obscure 90s house interspersed with 30 second blasts of gritty regional accents. The doctor told me not to bother, because apparently the last patient who complained ended up dead in the Wadham gutter with the words ‘elitist’ carved on his forehead.

My other ear went the following Friday after a Shakespeare production at the O’Reilly. It wasn’t the volume or pretension of the music but a “meta ironic homage” to Quentin Tarantino.On another occasion, an actor dressed as a post-apocalyptic gender-neutral cyborg (I think they were supposed to be playing Hamlet) broke the fourth wall by slicing my left ear of.

This time I naively tried complaining. I couldn’t really hear what the producer said but it seems if Iwant to sue I need to take it up with the rights owners of Reservoir Dogs because the production is taking ‘aesthetic’ but not legal responsibility for my new disability. Having consulted with my lawyers and with Miramax Pictures Limited I have been informed that they too are only taking aesthetic responsibility. I therefore wish to sue the Oxford theatre establishment for so being dangerously ridiculous.

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