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I’m not in favour of the freedom to drive cars into skipping schoolkids.
Gay gay gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Are you listening yet? Are you laughing so hard your ribcage is blasting itself into splinters over passers-by, like a mirthly nailbomb? No? I’ll repeat it. Gay, gay, gay.
In a poll taken of 500,000 twats last Wednesday, the word ‘gay’ was voted the funniest thing in all our pungent world.
If I sound bitter, it’s deserved. Next week I’m replaced by a duck, because they’ve taught it to type ‘gay’ for crumbs. Satire’s dead, they said. What people want these days is ‘gay’ in spangled spades. For my new job, I’m reluctantly redubbing Woody Allen’s Manhattan, with every third word as ‘gaylord’ (the other two: ‘you’re a’). Oh, and the Empire State building’s replaced by a whopping great pink cock. In tights. I wrote to Channel 4 with a show idea: I’d come on stage for two hours wearing a tiara, and a sandwich board with ‘GAY’ in foot-high letters. They said thanks, but no thanks. Wonderful idea, they replied, but Alan Carr already does that weekly. Maybe you could add a bra?
A friend leaves themselves logged into Facebook. Ten minutes later, everything about them is ‘gay’. Status: they like bumhole! They’ve founded the ‘I like bumhole’ society! They’ve invited us all to a ‘massive gay orgy’! Because gays like bumholes! And gay is funny, geddit?
I’m not in the business of indiscriminate insults, but sometimes I get angry. So here goes: if you do this, there is literally zero justification for your lives. This is not a joke. You are a walking argument for abortion – not just that, but for extending the time limits to, oh, thirty years? Forty?
Let me make my point now, so then I can berate you further. On a scale of comedy, ‘gay’ is as cutting-edge as a blunt dodo. Irony is no excuse. When you use it, what you’re saying is ‘I’m a gurgling, witless tosser with a pre-natal sense of humour’. I’d give both eyes for a GPS box-cum-suicide-belt that popped when these people entered the postcode. You probably think I’m still joking; I’m not. This column: no joke. Seeing them locked in a coffin full of bees, and cannoned into the sun? I’d laugh.
I’m all in favour of free speech, just like I’m in favour of the freedom to drive a car. But I’m not in favour of the freedom to drive cars into skipping schoolkids. By the same token, freedom of speech ends the moment it’s used by idiots. We need a new system, but IQ tests just won’t do it. So next week: the duck. Gay, gay. Gay, gay, gay. Gay. Laughing yet? Die the fuck off.
» 43 comments
1"Off form"
on Wednesday, 23 April 2008 00:06
You can do better than this.
2"O.5/10"
on Wednesday, 23 April 2008 00:18
terrible, terrible article.
Is this a joke? I got lost between your winings about facebook, "gay" and a duck.
And you're studying law? Aren't you learning how to make effective arguments? Or to write effective essays? What a mess.
3"Repulsed"
on Wednesday, 23 April 2008 07:11
Hello, Repulsed.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to this article. Thank you, furthermore, for taking the time to find that I study Law, which must have taken a bit of research. Cheers for taking that time as well.
Yes, it is a joke. This is not a serious advocation of firing into the sun everyone who uses the word "gay", you fucking moron. It's not an "effective essay", because they generally don't condone mass murder. Because, studying Law, I know that that's murder, which ain't right. Also: it's spelt "whinings".
4"etc"
on Wednesday, 23 April 2008 07:11
(But yes, serious points are nice. Next week, eh.)
xx
5"Shome Mishtake"
on Wednesday, 23 April 2008 10:28
Blunt dodo? Surely you mean blunt dildo?
Gay.
6"About time"
on Wednesday, 23 April 2008 11:02
This piece is really important. Read it properly. Especially the author(s) of last term's Librarian in the OxStu, who were clever and witty enough to write about the height of vulgarity being 'a civil partnership'.
7"Repulsed..."
on Wednesday, 23 April 2008 13:07
I feel that you either are Max Seddon, or perhaps just his biggest fan. I hear his tower of moral superiority is a such a lovely place, if a tad humourless, you should go cuddle down with him there.
8"Re: Peter Bowden"
on Wednesday, 23 April 2008 15:25
Uh....I actually didn't take time to find out you study Law. I know you. We're friends....facebook friends at least. Learn to take criticism. You need it.
You fucking moron.
9comment
on Wednesday, 23 April 2008 17:24
Hey, that's almost on the same heightened level of reasoned discourse as calling him gay.
10"Really?"
on Friday, 25 April 2008 09:58
Peter, we understand you don't want to fire people into the sun or attack them with bees. I think their problem may be this article is your complete lack of focus or coherence. It is an undefined rant against nothing, filled in with meaningless and increasingly banal violence which you would inflict on these nameless cretins, much in the same way as you have battered us with this awful prose.
Take the criticism- next time restrain yourself slightly and discuss something more relevant.
11"Really really?"
on Saturday, 26 April 2008 18:38
How dare you say that the continuous barrage of thoughtless abuse being fired at gay people is not 'relevant'? When someone seriously (unknowingly) tells me, outside a concentration camp, that gay people were 'fair game'? When children don't think it's a problem casually being specifically rude about homosexuals (among whom they may later number)? Try replacing 'gay' with 'Jewish' or 'Black' in normal conversation, and see how shocking it really is.
Also, surely ranting is necessarily unfocused? Perhaps the lack of coherence is actually a useful journalistic tool to show just how angry he is? (I see what he means).
12comment
on Monday, 28 April 2008 10:48
I simply can't agree with this article enough. It is a truly horrible current social convention to use 'gay' as a humourous adjective, or even as an apparently acceptable insult. As in the above comment, iI agree that if this word were changed to another social group such as 'Black' the uproar would be deafening. So I highly commend this article not only as a piece of witty and skilled penmanship, but as an important stand on the way to making this practice totally unacceptable. I would also like to know the identity of those 200,000 voters, so I can advise them to take a long walk off a very short pier.
13comment
on Monday, 28 April 2008 17:08
You're all gay.
14comment
on Tuesday, 29 April 2008 08:32
'there is literally zero justification for your lives'
can you justify your own existence peter? you wanker
15comment
on Wednesday, 07 May 2008 01:18
"'there is literally zero justification for your lives'
can you justify your own existence peter? you wanker"
Judging by the content, I don't think this was to be taken literally.
This is an important problem within society and one which is generally not addressed as, "gay" has become such common parlance that it is not seen as an issue anymore. However, it IS an issue, albeit one which is not voiced enough and, frankly the over-violent language acts as a powerful tool in this respect - you won't forget about this article having read it, and as the topic is one so brushed under the carpet surely this can only be a good thing.
16comment
on Friday, 09 May 2008 00:12
When you consider that someone who has written that "if gay marriage was OK - and I was uncertain on the issue - then I saw no reason in principle why a union should not be consecrated between three men, as well as two men, or indeed three men and a dog." has just been elected mayor of London."
17"This is ridiculous"
on Sunday, 18 May 2008 01:27
How on earth can you compare being gay to being black or Jewish? Being black/Jewish is something you're born into, and nothing wrong with. Being gay on the other hand deserves the criticism that the insult suggests - there is indeed something wrong and abnormal about gay people, hence their "queer" or "camp" tendencies. Allah did not create man to have anal sex with another man ffs. Let "gay" continue to be used as an insult to cement the truth that homosexuality is certainly an inferior option to normality. Imran
18"what?"
on Tuesday, 20 May 2008 19:59
If allah didn't create man to have anal sex then who created the gays?
19"er what?"
on Wednesday, 21 May 2008 19:12
Imran, you're blatantly closeted. Come out! (but I'm afraid I won't have sex with you)
20"Imran Iman (witty mate)"
on Wednesday, 21 May 2008 22:20
I read Theology. Quite frankly, fuck off. Haters are haters whether or not they cite references for their hatred or not. Hence the joke "I'm allowed to say that about Muslims. Some of my best friends are racist", and that sums up exactly what people like you are in a modern society: a joke.
Also- freedom of religious choice? I was born gay- you were not born a muslim, and more particularly, I would like to think you weren't born such a cock-end either.
21"To the gay"
on Sunday, 25 May 2008 15:00
"Also- freedom of religious choice? I was born gay- you were not born a muslim"
Wrong. You weren't born gay. Were you from day 1 of your life attracted to fellow boys? No. Meanwhile, I was born a Muslim.
22""The Gay"? Cheers."
on Sunday, 25 May 2008 15:49
From day 1 of your life did you believe Allah had created you? No. You didn't have suffiecient cognitive function to do so, so your argument is totally spurious. You argument, if you consider it valid, is equally proof that YOU were not born STRAIGHT.
And not all gay people are male you know- evidence that you are assuming things about people you know nothing about, which is never very clever.
23"To the gay"
on Monday, 26 May 2008 04:20
From day 1 of your life did you fancy girls? No. You didn't have sufficient [sic] cognitive function to do so, so your argument that you were born gay is totally spurious.
And I think you'll find gays are male, lesbians are female, hence LGB(T).
What do I care, you'll be punished when the time comes. I feel sorry for you.
24"So be quiet then!"
on Monday, 26 May 2008 10:55
Too right- why should you care? That's all we're asking for- I won't persecute you for your (misguided in my opinion) religion if you aren't rude to me about my choice of who I sleep with. That's the POINT of the article.
And please don't tell me what I'm allowed to call myself! Makes me wonder why you are such an authority on all things gay...
25comment
on Monday, 26 May 2008 15:34
Jews did 9 11
26"Trolling"
on Wednesday, 28 May 2008 08:21
Dear Gay and pissed off, don\\\'t look now but I suspect he\\\'s trolling you and is, in fact, not serious. His posts are too much cut-out-and-keep from \\\"Theology 101: How to make everyone think you\\\'re a tool\\\" to be believable. Besides Allah himself propositioned me last night, so Muslims can\\\'t hate gays, can they?
27"Well"
on Wednesday, 28 May 2008 10:16
I don't want to imply anything, but Jesus hung around with a lot of dudes.
28"Hm"
on Wednesday, 28 May 2008 17:50
He also said “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” so we know he is versatile.
29"To Imam Imram"
on Friday, 30 May 2008 12:14
\\\"Gay\\\'s aren\\\'t born gay\\\". A rather specious comment. Humans aren\\\'t born walkers, but it isn\\\'t a choice they make to be inclined to walk bipedally. The physiology of a homosexual male has been documented to be different from a straight male. You believe Allah made human\\\'s walk upright. Why not that he made them Gay? Does the Devil have some creative faculty? Or are you perhaps merely using an ancient text, written by Bigots trying to give the masses an easy answer, to justify your own prejudices and insecurities.
Gay\\\'s are meant to be gay, good luck to them. You who use religion to render your hate politically-correct, you should change your ways. You have no genetic excuse, just bad parenting.
30"Too right mate"
on Saturday, 31 May 2008 02:37
Which makes me glad to be in a society when I can sleep with who the hell I like, and frankly, fuck you all! Whoop whoop...
31"yay"
on Saturday, 31 May 2008 13:41
Its genuinely fantastic to see this article generating so much commentary. When are u sending it off to the national press bowden?its high time
32"nah"
on Saturday, 31 May 2008 22:07
It's not the article anyone cares about... sorry Pete. It's more of a personal argument now... :-) Which I clearly won, by having the last word! :-D
33comment
on Tuesday, 03 June 2008 11:19
Boring
34"I'm a gay"
on Friday, 06 June 2008 22:18
I'm so gay and I just wanted to post here to tell you all how gay I am, I like shagging men up the arse and I hang around in toilets and I'm a big fat smelly homo and I'm gay. I spend all day in bed with blokes and I like to download pictures of guys fucking each other up the shitter and I'm a big gay.
35"My choice of university"
on Tuesday, 10 June 2008 14:01
This article and discussion neatly manages to encompass many things I already hate about Oxford University, the students within, without even having arrived yet. Can you spot these things?
By the way, well done, Peter, for managing to slip in the phrase 'you fucking moron' in your comment. How new-age pathetic, when you are arguing against a phrase such as 'you're a gay', to undermine yourself by appearing just as linguistically destitute as those into whom you wish to lay.
Also, your shirt is quite funky, but the 'direct' look of the photo is very creepy and pretentious, in my humble opinion - please don't bother to reprimand me for saying this, because I'm sure quite a few readers agree.
Maybe I'll take another gap year and go somewhere else.
36comment
on Tuesday, 10 June 2008 16:06
You have just undermined yourself by admitting to taking a gap year.
37"Oh no"
on Tuesday, 10 June 2008 17:32
Not another pseudo-jokey/ironic Oxford snob, that's so wearisome. At least you're 'Anonymous', so I don't have a name to form undeserved prejudices against (likewise why I am too! I'm sure if we meet we'll just love one another like siblings).
Also it's common knowledge that it is generally harder to get a place at Oxford with a gap year than without, although you probably just assumed I'm a post A-level applicant, I guess. Fair dos, no-one forces you to think before writing weak comebacks using the wording of the original comment!
38comment
on Wednesday, 11 June 2008 07:34
You have just undermined yourself by taking a joke seriously.
39"-fresher than fresh guy"
on Wednesday, 11 June 2008 10:52
Can't believe you're having a go at the sad types who comment on student newspaper articles... trust me, they're only representative of hacks or people with too much time on their hands in the library (or, in this case, too much sunburn and hangover to venture into the world/ a big chip on my shoulder). I'm now worried about the quality of freshers, if they're so sad as to be reading a student newspaper completely out of context before they even arrive, and worse, getting uppitty about it- as if anyone cares! Go Anonymous, the unknown, and therefore representative, student. (Oh, and getting here, however you did it, is not seen as an achievment here- funnily enough, we all did it too!)
40comment
on Wednesday, 11 June 2008 11:06
Oh, and mate- tell me you're not coming to Trinity next year. Please.
41"Me"
on Wednesday, 11 June 2008 19:39
I'm really really boring. No worries, I'm not going to Trinity, you're OK mate.
42"Sorry, but..."
on Wednesday, 18 June 2008 19:13
Peter, your photograph makes you look like a right gay.
43"brilliant"
on Friday, 20 June 2008 12:26
Thanks Peter, that wasted a few minutes of my life reading that. Have you got nothing more important to be doing/worrying about?
i would suggest that you take up some sort of hobby to better use your time
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