The Oxford Union is to announce plans to replace its termly elections with a Big Brother-style contest broadcast available exclusively for members, The OxStew under-stands. The decision was taken by the Society’s governing Standing Committee following recognition of how fucking annoying Union elections are going to be every term now that slates and online campaigning are allowed under the Society’s rules. The proposal involves the conversion of part of the Society’s Frewin Court premises, which dates back to 1823, into an all new state-of-the-art Big Brother house. Candidates – or ‘housemates’ – wishing to stand for positions in the Union from Michaelmas term 2015 onwards will be required to live in Frewin Court and subject to eviction on a weekly basis until the last candidate remaining is declared president of the Society.
Luke Mints, an executive producer at Channel 5, commented, “We immediately saw the potential to turn Oxford Union elections into a Big Brother-style competition. After all, what we look for in Big Brother housemates just happens to be exactly what you find in all candidates in Oxford Union elections. In particular, Big Brother contestants and Union candidates both share an insatiable appetite for fame and attention.
“Union candidates also spend an inordinate amount of time pretending to like people they fucking hate and bad-mouthing each other behind their backs. Given the presence of all these traits in Union candidates, turning what is already a farce into popular entertainment was an irresistible corporate opportunity for us. Our plan is to create a new kind of Union membership that entitles members of the public to stream all three seasons of Oxford Union Big Brother that will now be produced every academic year on Netflix.”
Student activists from across Oxford have liked statuses on Facebook praising the “unprecedented transparency” that the proposed changes will bring to Union elections, as Oxford Union members will now be able to watch Union officers at work 24/7 using a live stream.
One enthusiastic Wadham fresher commented, “With full behind the scenes access, the accessibility of the Union will be greater than ever. The Union will also no longer have to rely upon inviting second rate celebrities to speak now that it will be able to manufacture its own.”
The OxStew understands that PornHub and the Tab are also potentially interested in making a joint bid to buy the rights to broadcast an evening ‘highlights’ show. One snakey Union hack told The OxStew that the new rules would formalise how the Union currently works, “Working vac days at the Union is already a remarkably similar experience to being in the Big Brother house, as I already eat, shit, and sleep at the Union.
“Is it tragic I spend my degree like that? Maybe – but at least I’ll be able to put this not-at-all-scandal-ridden debating society on my CV for all employers to see at the end of it. Who wouldn’t want to employ me then?”
